Lately

Lately it seems as if I cry more frequently than I smile. or laugh. I've been giving the same answer to questions about myself. How's life? How are you? or Worse, when T said I looked good, "you know. same as always".

I am not a typically meloncholy person. I am not accustomed to more than a few tears over sappy comercials. I thought it might be imbalance. That I have been working too much. But I don't think that's it anymore. Since I can sense that there is something amiss, I don't think that it is my favorite family affliction. (BiPolar Disorder). Whatever it is, I want to fix it.

And T? every time I think about it I feel physically ill. So I try not to think about it. It's not working. So when I can't help it? I try to spin it in my head into something positive. It's what I do. But it's not working. And I return to the same old delimma. But I wonder if that is even valid anymore. You see, I already made a fool of myself. the card, on the flowers was signed, "Love". It was after he read it that he told me about her. I watched him slide it into his pocket. Likely so that she wouldn't find it by accident. I just wanted to run but he kept me there with his small talk. I am so thankful that she was not there. I would have felt a thousand times the fool. At least, as things stand, I know I did what my heart told me to do. It bothers me that I don't want it to work out. I told him I want his happiness, but I didn't say that I want that happiness to include me.
The logical part of me knows that there are a lot of things that T has to come to grips with. That he has to find his happiness within himself. That he can't keep running from himself. I have always known that about him. He's threatening to move east again. Which is better than what he said before about not wanting to commit suicide. yet.
I ask myself why I would want to be with someone like this. You know, cracked. I tell myself that eventually, he would run from me too. I think he did run from me in many ways. And better than he runs from me know than later, when there are children. Then I tell myself that I am rediculous, and that I have to accept the reality of I am not the woman he wants to be with. But every instinct in my soul tells me otherwise. Every empathetic ability says something else when he looks at me.
The truth is, that look though I might, I have yet to meet anyone who I like to talk to as much. Who shares my interests the way he does. Who like to make wild plans the way I do. Every time someone contacts me on that damndable internet dating site I hope that there will be a click. A match if you will. But there is nothing. Not with Scuba Steve, not with yesterday's guy. Or really any of the other several men I am chatting with.

Yesterday's guy said something that really hit home. I didn't say it then. He talked about a children's book that decribed how when people get their wish, they stop evolving. It was a book on evolution but I understood it differently. And although I said at the time that I hope I never stop evolving, I also wondered if that was the real reason I hadn't gotten my wish. The only wish I can really remember making. The reason I stopped making wishes. Because once I thought it had come true, and it wasn't at all what I thought. I learn so much from each experience that I have that I wonder if there is so much more for me to learn that it is unlikely that I will get my wish any time soon. That doesn't lift my spirits! I miss the kind of interactions that occur between a man and a woman. Not sex. I have learned to exist without that, although that is part of it. there's a closeness you feel when you are with someone you care about. a closeness I have not felt in a long time.

But wait, you say, there was Biker Bob.
There are many things I did not discuss about my relationship with Biker Bob. I think I have said that more than once. Out of respect for our relationship, if it can be called that, I kept it off the internet. the truth is that it started falling apart as soon as it began. He would be late to see me, then show up smelling of beer. (in his defense, I knew he was out playing with his friends.) Further interactions were unsatisfying. We were more "nakid sleepover friends" than lovers. He spent more time falling asleep despite my attentions than responding to them.
His sense of play was different than mine. I tried to end it when I realized that we didn't play well together, but he wanted to keep dating.
I sprained my ankle the night I picked him up from the airport. (from a visit to his family) The next day, I'm sure I mentioned that he helped me put on my shoes. Drove me to the hospital. Once I had my AirCast, we spent all day running his errands. walking through stores until late into the evening. After that, I would count weeks between physicality, often days between kisses, even though we saw each other every day.
I invited him, at one point to my Friend's birthday party. He said he would show up, even got directions. But he never did. Got distracted, he said. Didn't really feel like it. When I confronted him, his response was, "no one there was waiting for me...except you" Still I held on. There was just enough to keep me taround. A caress here, a quick kiss there.
I am sad for the woman I became. Waiting for any sort of physical attention because it was better than none. When he stopped paying attention to me, (i don't require a lot, but when I'm there, don't act like you wish I wasn't) when we were both too busy, I realized it was time to let it go. I knew I should have before. I talk about it now because we are no longer speaking. I hope he finds the love he seeks.
I am not a convienence item. Some is not always better than none.
I'm not saying that it was all his fault. I was not giving him what he needed either. I'm not going to pretend I did the best that I could. I just think it shouldn't have continued as long as it did. I think it did me more harm than good.

It feels good to talk about these things. To send them out into the web for all the world to see. It's hard, now, because I have always used the same user name, and I worry about who might stumble across what I have written. i'm glad that I have not abandoned my written journal for all the secrets that I keep.

I feel a bit renewed again. Maybe I have just been holding my emotions inside for so long that they have made me sick in the soul. But only like, the flu. I just need to sweat it out. I hope it lasts. I'm running out of Toilet paper.

It was a ten year relationship

and sadly, it went bad. I had been looking to get out of it for a little while, but today was the final straw.

Yes. today I recieved my insurance renewal, and they raised my rates. so I dumped that bastard and found someone newer and cheaper. With better coverage. HA

It went kind of like this...

I may just be bitchy today. I am the first to admit that I am dealing with an onslaught of emotions and I am unused to dealing with this many "issues" at once. (there's the T thing, which makes me ill every time I think about it which, I try NOT to think about it, but you know how that works. And tomorrows date. And lack of sleep. And a few other things that I don't really care to mention.)

So.

(overheard)"Gina has some drawings for us?"

Hearing my name I pop up and around the corner. I see a woman I have never seen before at my door.

G "Hi"
Lady "you have some drawings for us?"
G "Who is 'us'?"(I filled 6 drawing requests today. There were several that had not been picked up, not to mention a few from days past)
Lady "I am so and so with such and such"
G "Ok, but who are the drawings for?"
Lady "So and So"
G "Ok here you go"
Lady "Nice to meet you"
G "yeah nice to meet you too. have a nice day"

After she left, I grumbled a bit at coworker. She said that she knew the lady and that it wasn't her fault, I said I had never seen her before. The reason I was grumbly? I don't like guessing games. At all. Had she come to the door and said some version of the following, I would have been all smiles.

"Hi. My name is such and such with so and so. Whozit sent me to pick up her drawings"


Another grumbly point? A request came in today for a document to be fedexed. I got everything ready and realized I only had a PO Box for the company. I called the PE. A couple of hours later she called back and said she didn't have a better address and did I call them? (it's not that I mind calling, it's that I am expected to do so when I think it is her responsibility to provide useful info about her vendors) I called. They are off on Fridays. I guess I will not be sending the document until Monday!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

I'm really proud of my comment here. heh.

In addition

to providing distracting eye candy through out the evening last night, the Universe has seen fit to gift me with $200, won at today's holiday pep rally. wow.

I considered skipping work today because I wasnt certain how my emotions would be. As some of you know, this is unusual and even after a major breakup, I am usually at work the next day. So I must have been especially upset yesterday. Aren't I glad I felt better this morning?

and now...

something a little less serious.

Somehow

Somehow I made it though my shift without a melt down. I have to give thanks that on this, one of my more temultuous days, the universe was kind enough to place my favorite eye candy in my store the entire evening. I even had a small conversation with him. Sadly, I was all mopey and teary. I am also blessed with the sweetest co workers who acted extra silly and did ther best to distract me when it was obvious I was thinking.

This too, shall pass and life will return to what passes as normal. Just a little speed bump, that's all. I would still like to know what the lesson is. I'm going to bed. It's where I have wanted to be all evening. I don't know that I will make it to work tomorrow. I am not feeling well. Every time I allow myself to ponder that, the following quote comes to mind,

"put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

Among bad ideas, this one was apparently bad

I finally heard from T, who indicated that he wasn't doing so well in many areas of his life. I thought it would be nice to leave him flowers. I didn't expect him to be home.

my florist, only stocks red and white roses, so although I really wanted to give him orange, I chose red.

As I knelt down to place the flowers on his porch, he opened the door. He invited me in. He said he was on his way out.

He said he is seeing someone.

We made small talk, I told him I didn't mean to cause trouble with the flowers. I waited until I was a block away before I cried. I've been trying to prepare myself for this for a long time. I knew that eventually it would come up. I thought I was doing something nice.

I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I mean, I thought it might, but I didn't want it to.

Not only have I hurt myself, but likely this girl too. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I wouldn't cause trouble. She has never met me. And now I have gone and upset her, which is something I would never intentionally do.

I know I am trying to ignore my feelings and concentrate on her. He must really like her if he told me about her. It's hard to see someone else with the person you want to be with. I'm really glad she wasn't there. I would really be a basket case.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I had really hoped that by the time this day came that I would have met someone great and that I wouldn't mind so much. That there would be a little pang and that's it. Seester suggested that I am not as ready to meet someone as I want to be. But part of wanting to meet someone is wanting to overwrite the memory.

I want to curl up in my bed but I have to work. They called me in early. I hope I am distracted enough.

trying again

I just got off the phone with a fellow I have been talking to for a week or so. We seem to have similar interests in matters of the unseen, which is good. Since we mostly talked about me, I'm not sure yet what else we have in common. But anyway, we are going to meet on saturday during the day. I'll keep you all updated. And I will try not to go off the deep end this time.

In the absence of anything else at the moment...

I just took a quiz. Now I need to look this lady up!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
Take this quiz!








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In less serious news...

I went to a craft fair today and am pleased to report that i did very well at it. That isn't the issue here. If you have visited my website or know anything about my products, you know that one of my more popular products is "Butt Soap". I named it that because I think it's funny. That also is not the point.

Most events, I get to sit back and laugh while people dare each other to smell the Butt Soap. Some flat out refuse to sample the scent which, for the record, is Peppermint.

Today, I was talking to a girl of 17 and her younger sister

TANGENT ALERT (today was cool because I got to explain to a couple of different kids about how soap is formed in a chemical reaction caused by mixing acids and bases. They thought that was cool. I pointed out that it is a lot cooler than mixing baking soda and vinegar. I mean, I got them a little bit excited about Chemistry! score one for Gina!! ANYWAY)

and I happened to joke about how the Butt Soap does not smell like butt. We both giggled a little, but her younger sister looked me in the eye and asked, "What does butt smell like?"

It was an "oh shit" moment. After a couple of seconds of me hemming and hawing, big sister saved me by replying, "It smells like you."

whew. That was a close one.

angels among us

I don't know if I mentioned that I recieved a final notice onthe storage a week or two ago. and despite wanting to, I didn't pay it. I got support from my sister, and we decided that when it comes down to it, we have each other and the rest is just stuff.

Well, a couple of days ago, there was a certified letter notice in my mailbox addressed to my dad. After thinking about it and consulting my sister, I called the storage place. I didn't want to sign for it and find out I am liable. I already don't like it that my address is associated with him.

She told me that certified letters go out to all known addresses when a unit goes to lein. She said that my dad had called and said he would pay and quit, but that the engine in his car had blown and he wasn't able to make it up there.

Then she said the following, which made me bless them again. and again.

"I took your address off the account completely. and if it goes to lein sale I will call you and let you get what you want out of there."

Even if I don't. Even if he pays his debt to them and moves out. even if they sell everything and never mention it to me, those words were a kindness I will never forget. It has been nice dealing with people who do not judge me for my fathe's actions. People who understand how life can be sometimes and who go out of thier way to be nice, even though there may be nothing they can do,they still try. they are the people who help to keep hope in the world. They are the reason I have not lost faith in humanity.

Maybe bossman is right,

maybe I am too picky. I'm really beginning to believe that my emotional state was far more stable before I signed up for this internet dating thing.

Here's how it is. I have "winked" or sent messages to every attractive man who falls within my search criteria with the exception of C because, um, we're already friends. Only Diver Dan answered. And we know how that turned out. Since I can look, I know that those men? Looked at me but apparently didn't like what they saw. I'm thinking that since they at least looked, but didn't answer, that it was a personality issue. (and maybe a looks issue, I don't know) But, whatever, that's normal, we see people every day but don't approach them. But that doesn't do very good things for my ego, you know?

The men who wink at or approach me? They're either too old (over 35. or 37 if you want to stretch the issue) Live too far away, (what in the world is a man living in NY doing trying to hook up with a woman in CA?) Have kids (which, I know as I get older this will be a increasingly difficult one to avoid) have a conflicting faith, or I am just plain not attracted to them.

I am trying not to be shallow. The ones I am not attracted to could very well be the nicest guys ever. but I think attraction is important. I'm not looking for a male model, just someone I like looking at. I don't want to settle just for the sake of having company. Remembering how I stuck around and soaked up the bits of affection that Biker Bob carefully doled out makes me cringe and lower my head in shame. I hate how I became the girl who stayed even though she wasn't happy because it was better than being alone. Because, as I freely admitted, the attention was nice. Then the attention stopped. But I wonder if I am being too picky. And then I wonder if all this is really worth the stress and thought I am putting into it. Then I think, if I am going to reject every man who approaches me, what is the point of paying for the service?

Then I wonder if I am really ready to date after all. Going out Monday night was great, even if the end result was a couple of days of neurosis. Unusual nerosis, I might add. I mean, we all know I'm a little nutty, but that was beyond. Is this going to happen every time a guy decides he isn't interested in me "that way"? Will I be so incredibly nervous on every first date that I blunder thorough like a nieandrathal? I felt so inept. Like I had been overtaken by some sort of babbling, flapping, freak.

I feel so out of sorts. out of balance. Part of me wanted to go out tonight even though I didn't have company, but I listened to the part that said I should stay home and prepare for the craft faire tomorrow. But here I am blogging when I should be trimming soap. My house is a mess, the bird is afraid of her new home, my eye is all twitchy, and I keep moping about and crying. Well, mostly when I really think about the whole dating situation, not so much when I am doing other things. I'm confused and I don't know what to do about it.

Where did my balance go? Yesterday I got myself so worked up at work that I broke out in a rash over a drawing snafu. That's never happened before. I think I made it a bigger deal than it had to be. Perhaps I am doing the same with the whole internet dating thing. Maybe I should quit feeling guilty and just keep on rejecting. Maybe I should crawl into bed and worry about it tomorrow.

Domestic HNT and a mini rant

Proof that I actually do iron.

and now my mini rant.

Nothing angers me more, or hurts me more, I suppose is more accurate, than someone who makes plans with me and then breaks them. Even when there is a good reason. even when they seem remorseful. I guess it wouldn't be such an issue if it didn't happen a lot. You would think that I would be used to it. in many ways I am. I actually expected tomorrow's cancellation, even though I was looking forward to the outing. On the bright side, I now have plenty of time to tend to business before the craft fair on Saturday. on the not so bright side, when you wander around expecting people to dissapoint you, they usually do.

Thanks to a nap and treating myself to a dinner of steak and lobster last night, not to mention my monthly meetup with the Bad Girls of Craft who never fail to perk me up, I am back to my "normal" self today. Thank you for joining me on my neurotic journey. Hopefully I will get the hang of this whole dating thing and start waiting until at least the third date before I have meltdowns. Because that? was all rather silly.

And now, back to gratuitous half nakid pictures of Daniel Craig.

results

Diver Dan has decided that I will make a very good friend. sigh. oh well. That's dating, I guess.

Hey look! a half nakid picture of Daniel Craig!!

The good thing about having all this nervous energy is that

I am very productive today, trying to find reasons not to be at my desk perseverating over nonexistant emails

and

I headed off to people.com (perezhilton.com seems to be down today)and accidentally found the above picture to make me all swooney and give me something ELSE to think about.

men. they kill me.

I hate this part

So, yesterday, it was chat chat chat, all day long. Today I had hoped to see an email, but nothing. Then I decided that I was being silly by waiting and as I would like to see Diver Dan again, I emailed him saying so. "I hope", said I, "that I won't be so nervous next time that I have to sit on my hands to keep them from flapping about all willy nilly"

The waiting begins. I hate suspense. In between the "maybe he wants to see me again too" and "If he's not interested, oh well, right?" sits a rather high strung individual who's heart just can't take it.

The date

He was, just as cute as his pictures, has lovely eyes and captivating dimples. (are men supposed to have captivating anything??)

I had a really nice time.

I was very nervous and at one point went ahead and sat on my hands so that they would stop waving about. Actually, I did this several times. The first time I did it, I found food under my leg.

He seemed really interested in the things I like to do, which I glazed over a bit because I am convinced that other people don't find them as interesting as I do.

Did I mention that I was really nerrvous? And that I am all wound up? Thats bad because I am tired too.

We went out for dessert and I couldn't fit between the table and chair. That was a little embarassing, but since I know it isn't a fat issue, but a cramped desserterie issue, I was able to laugh it off.

I'm glad I didn't eat more, I'm really full.

He said he had a good time. I don't know what happens next. I'm really not very good at this dating thing. I don't know what to do with myself.

Nothing more to report.

For this you have been banned

Sorry Orlando, you're off the list until you lose the hat.

1. Daniel Craig
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo Dicapprio
6. John Schnieder
7. Jet Li
8. John Spanos (oh come on. He's Single and my age. who knows? he might google himself and call me. I don't care if he's a workaholic)

Toby Keith is apparently an ass. I've decided Nick isn't so great after all. That was short lived.

In other news I think I have a date tonight (if we can decide where to eat) with a man who will be referred to as Diver Dan if we hit it off in person, as an ode to Finding Nemo which might be as close to his love of Scuba as I will ever get. Terrified, you know. We'll see. on one hand, I'm excited. On the other, wary. Very wary. Not because he seems strange, he seems fairly normal thus far, but because of the ever present past. There are some recent situations that still haunt my present and although I try to put them aside, when I think about the whole internet dating thing, well, there it is.

Almost run over. Again

I'm thinking that something needs to change in regards to California traffic rules. You see, to get to my home from alomst anywhere but my regular job, I have to get on the highway. Not the freeway, with it's wide expanses of open lanes, but the highway. 2, sometimes 3 lanes of closely packed traffic (ok, not really all that closely packed), often large motorhomes with trailers heading to and from the California desert or river, depending on whether I am looking at a toy box or a trailer.

At least once a week I am nearly run off the road by people in the right hand lane. Blindsided because although I look before I leap, I can't always see them barreling forth at high speeds. The on ramps are not long. I try to adjust my speed when travelling in that lane so that the people getting on the freeway can merge safely. I know I have the right of way, but I also know that I don't have to take it if it is unsafe. Today I was forced onto the shoulder as first the motorhome, and then the 25 ft trailer it was towing passed me by.

My heart beating fast, I was able to merge into traffic safely after it was gone. Split second difference, and I could have been dead. Don't get me started on all the times this happens with semi trucks...

Takes on Thanks

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend so much time with my family. But like any family tradition, ours definately has it's quirks.

My Aunt and Uncle are generous enough to host Thanksgiving every year. They have a nice home about 50 miles from where I live and although it seems like a long trek, I don't mind going. Especially when I consider the fact that my cousin drives from Saramento, my other Aunt and Uncle come in from Carson City, and my sister from LA.

I think it was last year, though, when things started to get a little odd. My sister asked if she could invite an "orphan" couple (the term orphan being used to describe people who do not have available family to spend the holiday with) with whom she and her husband are very close friends. These folks are like family to us. She was told that there was not enough room to accomodate any additional people. Although I can't remember for certain, I may also have asked to bring a friend but was turned down. My mom asked what she and her then fiancee could bring and was asked to provide cash, $40 to help cover the expenses and meat. My mom and her fiancee are vegetarians and are unable to eat 60% of the Thanksgiving fare.
Durning dinner, my Aunt's brother in law loudly complained that Grace was not said. Being a mixed group, we don't often say grace, although my grandfather will often do so at smaller functions. This action caused a lot of confusion and hurt feelings, especially since I don't recall this man ever attending the festivities before. After dinner, my Grandmother requested some leftovers for sandwiches the next day and was refused, on the grounds that my Aunt likes LOTS of leftovers.

This year, my Aunt requested that I bring or (gasp!!) buy an apple pie. (I never buy apple pie. I MAKE apple pie. I'm very proud of the compliments I get on my apple pie. I don't eat it, but I hear it's very tasty) And be there about noon, as we would be eating early. Rare occation (for a party), I was late. The moms were all in the kitchen (except mine, who was running late as usual, but in her defense, she had to work yesterday morning) and I dropped my pie where I was told, and gave my Aunt the coffee I had brought as a nicey-nice. I thought she might appriciate it, but she acted as though she didn't really want it. (my Uncle, on the other hand, seemed very happy to hear that I had brought free harbucks) I then wandered around looking for someone to talk to. I'm in an awkward spot in the family. I'm not a sibling or wife, I'm a neice. But not a young neice. There are two sets of kids in my family.I call them the older set and the younger set. My Sister, Cousin, and I are the older set, being 33, 31, and 29. The younger set consists of my Sister and Brother, younger cousins and my older cousin's kids, all of whom are 20,18,16,14,10,8, and 5. Of the older set, I am the only one not married. I never really know quite where I belong at these functions. Since my sister and cousin were not there, I was a little lost.
Fast forward to turkey carving time. I took my customary place at the carcass and nimbly picked while my uncle carved. Suddenly, my aunt had something for me to do. By the time I was done, so was my uncle, and she was able to save the bones from my nibbling fingers (why, after 20 or so years of picking the bones it is suddenly not ok is beyond me. But the attitude was such, believe me. It's not like I was eating anything that could have gone on the platter.)
We started eating, despite the fact that my mom had not arrived (she was stuck in traffic. She made sure that she called with periodic updates) and about 5 minutes later, the Brother in Law was asked if he would like to say grace. He replied, "Why yes. I had thought we were going to be heathens and forget that it is Thanksgiving!" I will offer that the grace he gave was very nice, but I almost responded that I like being a heathen. We all give thanks in our own way, and I like to think that despite my religious leanings, I am thankful for the good life that I lead and all the blessings I am given. I'm not so sure that next year I will be able to control my mouth. Maybe it's a good thing it was full of mashed potatoes during grace.
My mom and brother arrived a few minutes later. Things were normal until dessert where we were served my my Aunt's sister who, it turns out, was licking her fingers and the cutlery in between pie pieces. for some reason, we were not allowed to serve ourselves.
It turns out that my mom was asked to bring money again. My Aunt's sister took home leftovers. We left feeling like we weren't altogether welcome. All of us.
We congregated on the condo that my Aunt and Uncle obtained for my grandparents (which is very nice of them. this is the second year they have provided this, and it is noce to know that my grandparents are comfortable during thier stay) where we all tried to puzzle out the eveninga nd the feeling we all get from it. Next year, my mom wants to have dinner at her house and invite all our orphans. The more the merrier, as it should be.
I don't know what will happen. I know that I will go along with whatever my family does because I don't want to miss out on any time with them. I just hope that next year I leave feeling a bit more like I am welcome the next year. and not like an annoying inconvienece.

I'm finally sleepy again.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hopefully I will be able to come up with a suitable picture for HNT today. It's not that I've run out of ideas, it's just that I took some pictues while I was still in bed this morning, and they looked like shit. So I am not feeling particularly photogenic at the moment. Maybe after I wash my face.

I decided yesterday, once and for all, that I have a love/hate relationship with the self checkout at the grocery store. On one hand, it is fast and easy to use when I am in a hurry and only have one or two things to buy. On the other hand, Other people see it s an opportunity to play "store" and go through with a basketload. Then they can't figure out how to use the damn thing.

I admit that it's frustrating when it insists that you have not placed your items in the bag. But if you can't figure out how to scan your 10 pound ham, then maybe you should go ahead and have someone do it for you.

It never fails that I ge stuck behind the person who fucks up the machine so badly that the attendant has to come over. And you KNOW that attendant is sick of fixing those machines all day.

But I know that the next time I need something, I'm going to walk next door and exit through the self checkout. I like to play "store" too.

chickie wanted to see the kid

She's in the other room talking and oinking at me right now because she knows I'm home and she knows I will oink back... (snort snort snort)

Pussy Pushers and other fine stories

A woman came into my store the other night. I couldn't hear what she was saying to my cohort, but they turned to me, and just as the steamer stopped steaming asked, "What about you?"

"I'm sorry, I could not hear you", I replied
"Do you want to adopt a cat?"

I explained to her that I don't have time for a kitty. She suggested that I get two. I explained to her that I don't think it right that I should get another cat while the ones I gave away still live. She agreed. then suggested that I rescue a couple of cats. I explained about how I am rarely home and do not think it right to adopt pets that I won't be around to take care of. She argued with me through the entire making of her drink and then a few minutes after.

After she left, I was reminded of a promise I had made to myself about not offering explainations. Putting that into practice is harder than I thought. Damn pussy pushers.

Still not enchanted with online match making. What part of 27 to 35 year old non christian within 20 miles doesn't make sense? I can say that one man that I have expressed interest in actually returned my email and we have been chatting these last couple of days.

After reading this post:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=11248605&blogID=124305387&MyToken=b7b6bf75-fb31-428f-81e3-96e82e6ed0bd

written by my friend Craig's friend, I started to rethink my strict stance on the whole "considers himself Christian" thing. then I got home and had a run in with another man on Match and well...Tis not to say that if I met someone who called himself such but had an open mind, like Joel (who was cute, actually, but that is neither here nor there), you know, someone like me who believes more than his label describes, that I wouldn't give it a shot. After all, I don't really want to date someone who is REALLY REALLY into Wicca either. Perhaps the time has come for me to discribe myself as "Spritual, not religious".

I guess it's all a moot point either way. At leat I am giving it a try.

I had more to say, but I have forgotten what it was. I am off to price new cages for the kid. It would be kind of nice to get something that rolls so she can move from room to room with me. I know that would make her happier. (she does not like to be picked up or carried, but she doesn't like it when I am not inthe room either.)

Maybe it really is me

I get this answer a lot. First when I was looking for someone on MySpace, and now, today, on Match.

Here's the thing. I have a hard time confronting people, so when they act interested, I'll talk to them just so that I don't have to hurt their feelings by saying I am not interested. I've learned that that's not such a good thing (see entries on Pot Guy) So when I get an email, and I am not interested, I have been trying to reply that I am not interested. The problem may be that I give a reason.

So, this guy, who's profile lists him in Pomona, writes me. And I reply, with a thank you. but you live too far away. So he writes back, telling me that he actually lives in my area. I look at his profile again and see two deal breakers. One, he's Catholic, and two, he has kids. So I reply that his faith and mine are not compatible, explaining that it has a lot to do with the way that I do or don't want my kids to be raised (Biker Bob and I had this conversation once), and the fact that he already has kids and I don't think that I am ready to deal with that, being that I am only just getting comfortable with the idea of having my own maybe someday.

Perhaps I should have skipped the secondary reasons and just told him flat out that I am not attracted to him. Or just said "no thanks" , which I have done a couple of times.

Here is what he had to say:

"Well thank's for your comment's, I'm sure I will be better of anyway's. Why even be on Match.com at all, Wait don't answer that you probably have answer for everything that is thrown your way. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I also think it is important to give a guy the benefit of a "no thank you" if I am not interested because I know that I don't like to be left dangling. Goodness knows, I have winked at quite a few men and while they have looked at my profile, none of them have said eiher way whether they are interested. and that's a little frustrating.

All in all, I know it's only been 3 days since i joined, but I am SO not impressed.

I just saw

the new James Bond Movie and it was AWESOME. i'm not even all that into Bond, but this was great.

And now that I have seen it I will have to revise my top ten list, which I haven't done in awhile. So I am off to search my old posts to see who was on it before.

Ok, I'm back. It started out looking like this:

1.Orlando Bloom
2.Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5. Ryan Reynolds
6. leonardo DiCapprio

then I added the following:

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Peter Krause
3. Toby Keith
4. (jimmy fell off at some point) Ryan Reynolds
4. Leo

Then something got all screwey so here is the current list:

1. Daniel Craig (Who I had never seen before but who made me go all giggly and bashful. He quite really took my breath away.)
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo DiCapprio (who really is the original celebrity crush. And he's looking really good again)
6. Orlando Bloom (fell because he's gotten too skinny and he's been seen smooching on some really skanky ladies of late)
7. Toby Keith
8. John Schneider
9. Nick Lachey (come on, you know he's hot.)

I figured it out

How Match.com catches ypu. All those winks lead to emails which you can't read unless you are a member. So you sign up, and start sending emails to people who can't read them uness they are a member...

I also saw that the men looking for a woman like me are overwelmingly over 40. I also saw (totally by accident) that C and I, according to Match, are 95% compatible. Which would explain why we got along so well. But things happen, and life happens and dating websites don't take into account personal issues and baggage. I would like to to see a percentage on T and I. Part of me thinks it would be very high. Part of me would hope that it is low so that I could see past this cloud that envelopes me where he is concerned.

I don't talk about it here. I still hurt over it. I try every day to get past it, I try to meet other men, I keep myself busy, but it always circles around. It's amazing how you can be with someone for such a short time and be so profoundly affected. It was a very short time. And in the present? he writes when he can. I have not seen him in 6 months, and any time conversation starts to take a turn for the risque, I end it. Because I'm already caught in a trap and I know it's a dead end street.

I try so hard that I spent three months of my life spending time with a man with whom I knew I had no future, but I tried to make one anyway. I became "that girl" who stayed because it was better than being alone. Who stayed because the attention was nice. He gave me just enough to keep me around. a kiss once or twice a week, a caress of my ankle while I read. We had just enough fun times to make me think that it could be better.

I don't know what is worse. Longing for someone who doesn't want you, or being with someone who drives you crazy so that you don't have to be alone. Both hurt my soul.

I long for something healthy and real.But when it comes down to it, I look around and think that life is good and that adding someone else to the equation is more trouble than it's worth. And then I think, well I just have to find someone who is worth it. and that damned voice. the one I fight every day to banish from my brain. The one that has attached itself like a parasite. One with a symbiotic hold on my heart feeding me hope and causing misery whispers, "I thought I had".

But I like her

It's difficult to get past popular opinion sometimes. I find this especially difficult at work.

At my regular job, there is a woman who I generally describe as a bulldozer. Very focused, the woman knows how to get things done, and done well. But she's so focused that she doesn't seem to worry about how she presents things, she just does it. There are many that I work with that don't like her.
I think she's nice. She and I have never run amok, and she' constantly suggessting ways that I can better my business and inviting me up to her ranch to collect hers and things. She doesn't have to do that.
I think popular opinion is starting to wear on her. When I ran into her today, she wasn't as friendly. I smiled and said hello, and although she responded, she just didn't seem as "up" as I am used to seeing her. and I got the distinct impression that she knows that people don't care for her.
I still maintain that she is a nice lady. That she means well, she just has a great deal of focus. I hope she doesn't hear it when they say, "Im glad she's gone" when she leaves the room. I know she feels the attitude.

At Harbucks, there are a couple of people that the others don't like. and I will admit that some of those people come across as being pretty useless at times. But I know that I am not perfect, and that it is a difficult job to learn. High stress, and a lot of details. There's one in partcular that I really enjoy working with. And she is perhaps the most disliked of all. Persons who I started out respecting a bit fell in my eyes when they said, loud enough for her to hear, that they didn't like her, two seconds after being "nice" to her.
It makes me wonder what they say about me when I am not there,despite how nice they are when I am there. Maybe this woman rubs people the wrong way, but I don't think that she is the sort of person who would be difficult for the sake of being difficult. There are two sides to every story and I don't think my coworkers are taking that into account. So I try to make sure that I tell her that I have fun working with her because at least then she will know that someone likes her. It's not false, I really do.

Another HNT

I had to take my shoes off to take the picture. Now my toes are a little cold.

Meanwhile, so that I could look at a fellow that my cousin met, I signed up with Match.com. I wasn't interested in him (not attracted, plus he lives far away) but I took the time to fill out my information anyway. I got winked at! Which was flattering, although one of the fellows reminded me of Biker Bob enough that I crossed him off right away. Not lookswise, Biker Bob is far more attractive than that guy, but in other ways. The other guy lives far away. I winked at a couple of fellows, (oh hey! My downsized documents live over there! I wondered where they go! Sorry. Still learning the new computer) and after I sent the first one it took me a couple of minutes to recover from the fit of blushing. Jeez. And C came up on my search. I was tempted to look at his profile to see if we "match", but I decided that it would be weird. I also thought about sending him a wink, for fun, and since he will read this eventually, he's gonna tell me I should have, but I didn't. I just talked to him an hour ago anyway.

I was pondering something very interesting today, but now, of course, I can't remember what it was.

I looked up my dietary needs on the Food website, and found that I eat really bad according to them. But I look at other people's diets and think that I can't be THAT bad. I don't know. I am going to do the best that I can not to overindulge on the things I like best, like cookies and steak fries. Yesterday was the first day I ate lunch at my desk instead of in the cafe. I felt kind of bad, but I did explain to our admin why, and she seemed to understand. She agreed that Bug Guy often eats badly. And Coworker agreed that he uses me as an excuse to eat the "good" food instead of the healthy stuff he is supposed to be eating.

I'm thinking I want to create a business blog. I'd love comments on it. There, I could keep track of where my batches are and post updates on upcoming events far quicker than I can by mailing postcards. I don't have the ability to post verbiage on the website, only change the products around and post pictures (better that way, I don't speak HTML). And I could reach a far larger audience that way. Then, too, perhaps I wouldn't talk shop here quite so much. And Rich wouldn't have to reconcile the prim office talk with the photos of my boobs.

Yes Virginia, I am a hypocrite

So, today at lunch, as per usual, Bug Guy took it upon himself to get steak fries. When he sat down next to me and my edamame, he made sure, as he does every day, that those delicious morsels were pointed at me. That is, he turned his plate so that I could access them easily. I protested as usual. I have been known to turn his plate around since I know I will not reach across his plate to get them. He usually turns it right back around and into my reach. I reminded Bug Guy that I don't want them, don't need them, and that he knows I will eat them if they are available. His reply?

"I'm just thinking of you!" To which I snapped, "No, you aren't"

He turned his plate around and, to my credit, I managed to avoid eating any fries with my healthy lunch. Then I proceeded to return to my desk and eat all the cookies that I brought in this morning. They were at my house for two days and I only had one or two. Apparently, having food at my desk is a bad thing.

I think that part of the reason I get so upset with Bug Guy is that he has a weight issue too. (He had a stomach bypass surgery not long after I met him) He knows that he shouldn't be eating all that junk food, and yet he does. And he encourages me in it too. He talks about eating healthier, always adding that we'll do it together. In January. But I know that January never comes. I am supposed to be in his wedding next August, and I would like to be wearing a size 8 by then, That's a couple of sizes down from where I am, and I know that it is up to me to get there. I also know that if junk food is there, I will eat it.

I'm pretty good about it. I don't buy chips, I don't frequent fast food places (last week's House Burger binge was a rarity I don't plan to repeat). I don't drink very much soda (maybe once or twice a month) and I limit my ice cream. I do have a weakness for cookies. But I try not to buy them because I know I will eat them. I have also started bringing my lunch to work because the food there is notoriously fattening. I am also better at controlling my portions that way.

I have explained this all to Bug Guy. I know that last time I complained of this you guys said that he is only trying to be nice. But would it be nice to set a glass of wine in front of a recovering alcoholic and encourage them to take a sip?

I really feel as though I am Bug Guy's excuse to splurge. To eat the things that he wants because he's "sharing with me" or "buying them for me". He knows that he is not supposed to eat that stuff, but he does it anyway. Sharing with me makes it "ok" in his eyes. It helps both of us that I have been bringing my own lunch. Then we are less likely to order a cheese burger, and he has been getting salads here and there. (today it was nachos and steak fries) But I was thinking today that I would be doing myself a favor by eating at my desk. (sans cookies. Those are rather rare, actually) Changing my behavior is the only way to reach my goals, and if eating with Bug Guy is too much temptation, then I think it is best if I don't.

I feel kind of bad ditching him, but at the same time, I have to wonder if it wouldn't be better in other ways too. I am VERY tired of constant wedding updates. Honestly, my sister didn't talk about her wedding this much, and I was her maid of honor! Every day it's the bridesmaid dresses, the center pieces, the venue. Yesterday when he told me that he had to sit at the wedding dress store on Saturday, I flat out asked him if he had given "them" to his fiancee to keep for him. I'm excited for him, his fiancee is a really great lady, but I can't think of a polite way to tell him I'm tired of it. When it isn't weddings, it's parties, which inevitably comes around to the one time he and I went out and about. I don't generally talk about my outings at work except with certain people, so I don't like being reminded that I was drunk that night. Then he starts in on how I was dancing on tables, which I wasn't, and on to dancing with this guy Israel, who, although I danced near him, I wasn't all rubbing up against him or anything. Eew. But the connentations are there. And it makes me uncomfortable. I do not want to portray myself as a party girl at work. I'm really not one. And I don't think it is professional.

I guess it all boils down to wanting to be nice, but not wanting to be uncomfortable. It was HARD not to indulge in just one fry. Ok two. Three isn't that bad as long as I don't eat four, dang, well I might as well eat five, and hey that one looks especially good, I swear I'll stop at ten...

The best laid plans

So, this morning I was feeling grumpy and underappriciated by the manager at work who expects me to deliver the world, yesterday. But as the day wore on, and I was very busy, I got over my initial pissiness and was just happy to be constantly busy. Really. So much that i feel like I didn't get anything accomplished today.

THEN, after work, I went to the floral shop who's owner I met the other day at my open house, and, I am all giddy, not because I have serious potential for sales to her business, but because I made a new friend. The kind where we just spent an hour chatting and giggling and comparing stories about that it is like to be in your late twenties and single, and oh my aren't men a pain in the butt.
She's the kind of person I will never feel weird abot popping in to visit. I haven't felt this "new friend" joy in a long time. I don't make friends easily. Partially because I don't get out of my usual circles much, and partially because I am very picky about who I allow into my inner self. Most people are kept at a disance. Not so, her. Or her mom, who was also at the store. So now I am all fired up, and it feels really great.

Grandma

I seem to have gotten over my writer's block, and I started a lengthy post all about my grandparents, who they are, how blessed I am to have known so many of my recent ancestors and their husbands and such. And then I realized that the post was getting boring. Stale. Uninteresting. Even to me.

So I deleted at all and started thinking about the core of my grandparental musings.

Last week, we almost lost Grandma. Grandma has always been exceptionally healthy. She may have Leukemia, but it's a form that is pretty benign, so it is just there. Like a little rain coud. But last week, last week was scary. She was getting ready for church when she started experiencig chest pains. Pains that radiated down her arm, so she said to Grandpa, "I'm not going today". And he took her to the hospital.

They found three blockages and put stints in them all. But the Dr said that she would have had a massive heart attack and died within a week had she not gone in.

And I thought about how horrible and empty life would be without her. My mom headed out to AZ to be with her, and they had a wonderful time just relaxing and being together. I talked to her last night and she sounded great. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't have her number and had to get it from my mom.

I nagged my mom about taking it easy too. It's been almost a year since we almost lost her. When she dropped dead from exhaustion and stress. (I think of it like a video game charactor that ran out of life energy because they were fighting too much. thankfully, it didn't take too long for her life points to be restored)

Life is so delicate. and so easy to take for granted. I can only hope that I will take this opportunity to be a better granddaughter.

Listen to your heart

When he's calling for you....


So my heart told me that today would be a total flop and it wasn't total, but pretty darn close. I'm thankful though, that I had friends there to keep me company. Shop was open from 10 to 6, I had a total of 5 customers, (6 if you count Celine) all of whom came around 1. I have not yet counted my spoils for the day. My grandparents were my biggest customers.
However, not one to give up, I will research better options for venue next year (borrow a house?) and advertise better. maybe I will post pictures of my boobs around town. I did make a contact of the woman who owns the floral shop down the street, and hopefully she will help me get to know the local businesses and service groups around town. I have patronized the local businesses, I just have not met the owners.

I can't decide if I want to watch "Cars" or go to bed. I should put stuff away. The pumpkin bread was fantastic. Fan freaking tastic. mmm.

Late night blogging

It's 2 am. I should be in bed. I have a big day ahead of me. I hope.

I had so much to say. I wanted to discuss the whole Biker Bob thing. What happened, all the things I didn't say while it was going on, but I still have the fear that he pops in once in awhile, and I have no intention of hurting him. I'm just not that kind of person. not when I can help it. It would be very difficult to read the thoughts of the woman you have been dating, and know all the things that she didn't feel comfortable saying. Blogs can hurt. We bare our souls here, and sometimes, it's raw and uncensored. There are things I would like to say here that I wouldn't say in real life. There are things I do say here. But that situation? strange and awkward, and a story that is bubbling over inside me, but it has to be kept at a simmer for now.

Blogging gives me an outlet to scream all the things I would like to scream at people but I won't. not out loud, because I wasn't raised that way. I am not one of those people who don't have a filter, who say whatever comes to mind at any given time. Not that I am not guilty of it. Sometimes, my filter breaks and I embarass myself, but when it comes to the feelings of others, I recognize that sometimes off hand comments can hurt. And sometimes, it's better not to know what someone is thinking. Especially when you are dating.

Take that time I read E's blog. I hadn't heard from him, and what I wanted to see was that he was missing me a bit. What I saw was that while he wasn't calling me, he was calling another girl, trying to cheer her up because she was down. And letting me down while he was at it. He had warned me that his blog was like "Sex in the City", but not being a fan, I didn't know what that meant, so when I read one of his entries remembering a sexual encounter, it made me sick inside. Some things should remain private. Details like that are among them.

And so, of late, I have censored myself, heavily. I don't want to be censored, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and so I live in this limbo. It's a tough place to be.

But life goes on, even when we are in emotional limbo, and you have to accept that sometimes that's the way it is. Right now, despite a bad case of the lonies, I understand that I am best off concentrating on my business, and on my jobs instead of chasing boys. Chasing boys has ever gotten me anywhere but hurt anyway. They're nice to look at. They're nice to touch. But like a puppy (hee. I got some good puppy kisses this evening) when you start getting ito the logistics of keeping one, perhaps you need to consider whether you really have the time to devote to keeping it happy. I'm sure many men feel the same way about women. Neglect is a terrible thing.

I'm finally yawning now, I should go wash the eggnog out of my hair and quit trying to be a late night philosphiser. Good night. Cross your fingers for a successful sales day tomorrow.

a-musing

I think it's going to take me some time to grow accustomed to blogging from home. It's certinaly not a problem of ideas, I just seem to forget them when I sit down. Maybe my office just has bad idea fung shuy.

I'm baking pumpkin bread right now, and worried that it won't be cooked in time for me to head to work. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow with my annual Open House. I'm worried that I won't have any customers and that Wendy and Celine's time will be wasted. Wendy is coming all the way from LA. Celine from Carlsbad. The third party I had lined up appears to have fallen off the face of the earth. I suppose I could have tried harder to get in touch with her. Maybe next year.

Watching "Love Actually" again. I needed to feel a littel love, even vicariously. It's such a wonderful film.

Shoot, I just remembered that I promised balloons on the path to the rec room tomorrow. I'm not yet packed and ready to head over there the way I normally am.

I think my cup runnith over again.

My very first HNT. I voted, did you?

Ahh. there's nothing like gratuitous boobage to brighten your day. You gotta love the built in camera on my new Mac. As soon as I figure out how to dowload pictures from my camera onto the new computer, I will show you pictures of that too. I'd put the HNT button on my sidebar, but when i tried to do it the other day, nothing happened. sigh. this new computer thing is taking some getting used to. BUT I have my very own Chi Pet. He doesn't seem to do anything. hmm.

I've been super duper busy, which is frustrating because I have been wanting to blog about all the crazy things in my world, but since I have internet at home, I don't want to do it at work , and I have not really been at home to play with the computer. When I am at home, I have been sleeping, or, this afternoon, I was working on soapy stuff.

I am now offering wholesale pricing to try and expand my customer base. It's tough to give up a portion of my profit margin, but I don't want to buy mailing lists ad I don't have enough contact with people to buid up verey quickly. I have been thinking that I would set Bubbly Creations up with a MySpace account, since that seems to be an excellent way for people to get noticed (I'd really get noticed if I put the boob picture on the profile!!) but I don't think that the people on MySpace are looking for soap. I think that they are looking for a hook up. And I don't have one of those. (No, not everyone on MySpace is looking for a hook up. but there are a lot of people there for that reason) I think it's an excellent tool for bands and for comediens, but i'm not sure about a product line. I'll think about it. I have also been considering starting a BC blog, which would be WAY easier to update than the website, but I don't really know how to link the blog from the website. AND I still have yet to follow Sensei Ern's "how to build a banner" directions. Sigh.

Otherwise, things have been amazingly normal. Well, as normal as my world ever is. I have flash backs and great bloggable ideas, but I just keep forgetting to write them down so by the time I get home, I have forgotten what I was so wound up about in the first place.

The new work hours are difficult. I haven't had a problem getting up at 5:30, but man, am I groggy when I have worked at Bucks and am running on a couple of hours of sleep.

Heard from Biker Bob the other day.

I'm hungry and I don't have enough of the basics to make anything that I have in the house. I'm REALLY tired of Macaroni and Cheeze. Really. I did discover the Jack n The Box House Burger on Tuesday. It was so good I had one yesterday too. I don't generally eat fast food, so this is kind of a big (and bad) discovery. I highly recommend it if you have a Jack n the Box, it's big and beefy and perfectly seasoned with black pepper. and you can pick your cheeze. and it has LOTS of lettus. I could rant on it all day, but I'm making myself hungry for one and that isn't good. I'll have to walk over to the grocery and get some real food in a minute.

I guess that's it.

Oh, the joy

Ahem. I would like to announce, That I am surfing the net at home. Whee! Now I can play in Half Nekkid Thursday games! I can complain about people at work! I can shop all night long! oh wait. that's bad. Off to bed with me.

MIA

Sorry that I have been missing. Things have been busy and I went out of town. I will have internet at my house after tomorrow, so you can expect all sorts of pictures and stories in a more timely manner. I will also be more candid about work stuff since I won't be blogging from work. Nothing bad, of course. I'm still blessed with an excellent job and a wonderful boss working for a fantabulous company. But every so often...

Meanwhile,

Found out the Douchebag has a girlfriend and while it was tempting to start calling all the time and sending text messages and generally getting him in trouble, I decided that SHE doesn't need the heartache and that it is punishment enough that she dates him. Plus, I'm not really that kind of woman. There is a picture of me giving him my number, but I don't have it yet.

T appears to be MIA. I'm a little worried about him, but I know things are hectic for him at work right now so he likely doesn't have time to chat right now. And if he has decided to disappear out of my life? I would miss him, of course, he's a dear friend and one of the few people in this world I can say ANYTHING to, but, well, you know.

Haven't really heard from Biker Bob either. he emailed me last Wednesday, I replied on Friday. I have no idea if he still pops in to read this.

I returned to work Friday to learn that my hours changed. I now have to be here at 6:30. more on that later.

There was an email in my box from my cousin who met a guy she wants me to look up on Match.com I'm not a member, but I will go peek. She has generally good taste in men and certainly knows what I am attracted to! She actually met him, she wasn't surfing the internet looking for dates for me. I think it's funny.

Oy!

it's not that I have lacked for blogging material, it's that every time I have started to blog, something came up or Blogger was down for maintenance. Or yesterday when I couldn't even log in.

I suppose the best thing to do would be to begin with Friday when I discovered at Bunco, that mixing Pop Rocks and soda does not make your belly explode. Yes, I know many people tried this as kids, but I never seemed to have Pop Rocks AND soda at the same time. So I tried it because I had been drinking (it was Friday night, not the usual Wednesday) and that is my excuse for the entire weekend. We also watched The Shining which was not AS scary as the first time, but still had it's moments and still way ahead of it's time and Stanley Kubirck, might have been a genius with his film shots, but I can't say for certain because as far as I know, I have only seen that one movie.

Saturday, I worked during the day but late enough that I got to sleep in, and I was off early enough to take a nap before the Halloween parties of the evening. Yes. Parties. I was invited to two. One, was hosted by my mom's realtor who became a friend of the family. Here is a shameless advertisement. The other, by my friends in Temecula. I went to the realtor's party first with the attitude that if there were enough cute boys, (I didn't know anyone except the host) I might not make it to the second party. There were plenty of attractive men, but all of them were occupied with girlfriends and wives. Except one. We'll call him Douchebag. He spent the entire evening telling me all about myself, in a psychoanalysing kind of way.(apparently, an associates degree gives you free reign to analyze strangers. Don't get me wrong, I am not an elitist about degrees. I don't have one. but usually an associates is a step towards a bachelors. This fellow was done with college and proudly announced that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Neither do I, but at least I have a lot going on in the interim.) He never took the time to find out anything about me, only told me what sort of woman I am, how I am attractive, and how he knew I was attracted to him (come to think of it, I wasn't). He told me all about how I am unapproachable and basically how I act like a man, which scares men away. Except himself of course. I wish I hadn't gotten tipsy before he started talking to me. At one point he told me that he was going to let me come to him, and walked away, leaving me stunned and confused on the kitchen. Sadly, I (can't figure out why) gave him my number before I left. Would like to take it back. I've spent the last two days praying that if he does call, I have the balls to tell him to lose the number, that I don't like him. SO, I left, and went home. I crawled into bed, looked around and declared myself happy with the way things are and went to sleep. When I woke up Sunday morning, I had the presence of mind to realize that what Douchbag was doing was tearing me down and trying to make me feel bad about myself. Trying to make me feel as though he was the only answer. Thankfully, I am smarter than that. And, a Sunday night poll of men that know me shows that two out of three men find me approachable. Since only three offered an opinion, and one of them was Douchebag, well, I'll go with the majority on this one.

Sunday was a very productive and lovely day at home. Then I went to work and was so happy about having such a lovely day at home that I didn't mind being at work. Except for the fact that I was an hour early. I hate the time change.

Yesterday was uneventful, except for work frustrations, but was another lovely evening at home. Then, I found the most wonderful, magical place. It's called the SportsPlex. I was there watching GR (girl roomie, for those of you who just joined us. She's not my roomate anymore, I just didn't want to spring any new charactors) play soccer. The wonderful thing, was that the place was CRAWLING with men. Baseball men, hockey men, soccer men. Men everywhere I looked. I always knew there had to be a place where all the men go. and I finally FOUND it. AND since GR plays every week, I have an excuse to go. hee hee. It was a lovely ending to a lovely day

Gasp!

I do not!

have

"monster muscle boobs"

Despite the fact that someone searched just that and found me. Who would go looking for those anyway? ugh!

It seems to me...

That sometimes I get really wound up and start spouting things. So in clarification, I would like to issue the following statements. (hee hee. bullet points!!)

• I am all for religious feedom and the ability to express yourself.
• I am all for equality in said expression. In this manner I believe that Brittish Airways is wrong to disallow a Christian from visually expressing her faith when they allow those of the Sikh faith to wear an iron bangle. If they view the necklace as jewelry, so must they view the bangle.
• What I am against is going on international television (It was on Hannity and Combs, I think) and making a huge stink about how your employer is discriminating against you because you have been requested to follow the dress code.
• I was frustrated with her insistance that she needed to tell the world that she is Christian by wearing her cross. I think I should be able to tell the world I am wild at heart by dying my hair purple, but I don't because it is against the dress code. Not every policy you disagee with is an attempt to undermine your faith and a direct attack onyour belief system.

Here is a transcript of the clip I saw yesterday, and also a couple of articles regarding the subject.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,224378,00.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=410299&in_page_id=1770&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=NEWS&ct=5

http://www.christiantoday.com/article/british.airways.suspends.christian.for.refusing.to.remove.cross.necklace/7999.htm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6051486.stm

In other news, I had a wonderful time, as usual, at the Bad Girls of Craft meetup. I cannot tell you enough how much of an inspiration these women are to me. We had a couple of new ladies come in (other than Sharon who has this amazing ability to enter a room and occupy it in such a way that you think she's been around forver. Really. I think she can be at ease anywhere. I'm sorry to see Sharon moving so far away.) One woman, was just pure fun, the other, seemed a bit shy. I con't say I blame her. I remember how nervous I was before my first meeting. I bet she's really cool though, once she gets comfortable.

Shut up you whiny bitch

I guess my title shows how angry I am. Really, it's not so much anger as bothered to the depths of my soul.
There was a woman on the news this morning who was making a huge stink about her company not allowing her to wear her cross outside of her uniform. She was saying that they were anti Christian.
Here is why this angered me:

• The dress code clearly states that ALL necklaces should be worn under the uniform
• She complained that her Muslim cohorts were allowed to wear thier headscarves even though "The Koran does not make the rule about them absolute"
• She just wants to show everyone that she is a Christian and is willing to take unpaid leave in protest.

Dress codes are no fun. But I accept the strict one at my job because I want to work there. I am proud to work there. If you don't like the dress code, don't call your company anti religion and expect them to change for you, go work for a company that allows you to wear your jewlery. I don't wear my religious symbols because I understand that my faith makes some people uncomfortable. I also get tired of answering questions. It's not like I run around in a big pointy hat. Many jobs don't allow you to wear jewelry at all. How many carpenters leave off thier wedding ring because they don't want it to get caught in a saw? does that mean they are not married at work?

After pondering the issue above for a bit what came to mind was this

Faith is in the heart, not in the jewelry.

People don't need to know that you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Wicca. Heck, I occationally wear my grandmother's cross just to feel close to her. If you want to be a good Christian, then follow the teaching of Jesus. I could be wrong, but I don't think he ever said "Go forth and wear a cross as a symbol of your love for me". I think what he said was, "No matter what, I am in your heart" or something like that.

If I were Chrisitan, I would cringe, just as I would rant if a fellow Wiccan made a stink like this. Not that they haven't.

Shouldn't it be enough that you know it's there? Can't you be faithful without carrying a sign?

In other news, I had a wonderful evening just staying home last night. I was able to finish my catalog so that I can have it printed today, and work on the Advent Calender that I am making for a craftster swap. I made dinner and put the dishes in the dishwasher away as soon as they were done. I have not cleaned my room, so I still can't stretch out fully on my bed for all the laundry on it, but, no one goes in there but me anyway.

I really try

I really do have a great deal to be grateful for, but I sometimes get frustrated with life and some of the people around me, and then I just have to let it out.

Some things, I keep to myself. They are stories that will be told in the future because I don't think now is the time. Things are too fresh, too confused, and I don't know the whole story. If there is communication breakdowns in person, how much worse can they become by blogging about them? I am being vague again. I wish I wasn't. I would love the feedback that you guys can give. But my heart, while crying out to vent tells me that I am better off with silence for now.

The stress of having two jobs and no time for the things that I love (like spending time in the apartment that put me in this financial situation) is starting to wear on me both physically and emotionally. Emotionally because I am frustrated with myself for getting me into this predicament in the first place, and for the fact that I have started missing my mom right about mid shift each night at Harbucks. I'm spending time there that I could be spending with her. It's easy to take our parents for granted.

I came to the realization the other day that I work because I have nothing else. And that is a sad and lonely place to be. I tell myself that I am preparing myself for the next phase of my life, whatever that might mean, and preparing to move into that phase with as little debt as possible. But what if there is no next phase, and this is all I continue to have? Work does not equal a satisfying life.

Physically, all this stuff is starting to show. The untalkable point, the stress of the jobs and finances. Thankfully, I am still sleeping, but the tension in my shoulders is radiating down my arms and into my hands. Never a good thing. My ankle is still bothering me and although I laugh it off when I talk to people about it, and put on a happy face, I worry that I may have damaged myself really badly forever and I'm frustrated because I still cannot exercise and I was REALLY liking the way I was feeling about myself, and about my body when I was skating. Over the last couple of days my back pain started returning. I guess that means it is a good thing that I didn't decide to take my roller skate fund and buy a new massage table and start seeing a few clients again.

My cup runnith over, and still I fill it further.

Things, are falling apart. My camera is broken, the bird is lonely, my house in shambles, I'm all out of "good" underwear and having to wear granny panties. Not that anyone sees them but me, so I guess it doesn't really matter. My vacuum is still broken. I hate not having a good vacuum. Maybe I will break down and buy a cheap one tonight before I go to work.

I'm tired of treading water. I brought these things up to Biker Bob who asked what I can possibly be stressed about. I think my stress is just as valid as his. But I didn't say that. I just closed my mouth and moved along.

Things heal with time, right? I can get through this.

It's a sign of the times

The other day, a coworker announced, that I am a rockstar. I confirmed that Rockstar is indeed my secret identity (without the spray cans) and in my head, I pictured this:

Meh weekend and a meme

I finally took my computer out of the box and got it most of the way set up. Since many of my files didn't or won't transfer, notibly the Access files, I have ALOT of work ahead of me. And, since I can't afford QuickBooks, the program that the business guys at the Mac store recommended, I will have to come up with a way to track my inventory and sales the old fashioned way. You know, with Excel. Dangit.

Meanwhile, the event on Saturday cost me more in parking than I made, but I had a good time and ran into an old aquaintance. Yesterday I worked most of the day and then went to dinner with Biker Bob and his friend/new roomate and girlfriend. They were interesting and fun people and invited me to jacuzzi with them that night, but I politely refused since I didn't have my bathing suit and going home to get it was going to be 30 minutes to an hour round trip. Once I'm hoe at night, I like to stay there.

I stole this from NWJR

1. Is your blogging persona more serious than your real life persona?
No. If we are not the same, then I would have to say that what you read here is far more outgoing and brave than I am in Real Life. There are things I say here that I wouldn't say out loud because I do this for me and I don't worry that you won't like me for it.

2. Do you think the only safe way to write honestly is to write anonymously?
Nope. The warning is there that these are my thoughts. And I try to be honest at all times. I'll tell you that your butt looks big in those jeans if you ask me.

3. Do you think that your blog could ruin your career?
Only in so much as I should be working right now. I do my best not to discuss my place of employment or my coworers, and when I do, I try to make sure it's a positive or funny story and nothing that could be used against me. I'd gladly invite you all to visit my place of employment, it's lovely. But I wouldn't want to jepordize my position here in case someone did a search on it.

4. Do you use a pseudonym out of fear?
No. I use a psudonym because it's more fun. Like Rich, it would not be difficult to find me if you did a little digging. There aren't a lot of Ginamonsters on the web, most of them are me, and then there is my online business.

5. What is the biggest drawback to writing pseudonymously?
I'm not really all the anonymous, so I just try not to discuss anything too personal like my relations with Biker Bob or events which might adversely affect my family.

6. Has anyone stumbled on your blog and found it accidentally?
Oh gosh yes! I have several friends and family members that read it, and I kinda feel bad because they often hear stories twice. The worst one was when an ex with whom I am still friends happened accross it. I thought I was going to fall over with dread when I read in his email that he had read my blog, but it turned out to be the best thing for our friendship. I have been able to open up with him and allow him to be more a part of my life. We have been able to rebuild part of the closeness that we once shared but was destroyed as part of the break up. I had missed that closeness and am glad to be able to rekindle the friendship, only in a different way because we aren't dating this time.

7. Have you outed yourself to any other bloggers?
Outed myself? Like coming out of the closet? Like Hey everybody! I'm Ginamonster!!um, everyone already knows that. Sometimes, people meet me then find my blog. so...

8. Has your blog allowed you to experiment with writing?
Huh? I have always experimented with writing. I love it. It's just the first time I have had my work read by more than a few people, with the exception of that poem I sent to poetry.com. I only wish that other people in the book I am published in would have submitted better than "Roses are read, My shoes are black, I love my boyfriend, his name is Jack" stuff. I'm a snob that way. Bad poetry is a major turn off.

9. Why do you use a pseudonym?
Ginamonster describes me better than just plain Gina. I have always found the nickname particularly funny.

10. How did you choose your pseudonym?
11 years ago, I applied for and was accepted into a wonderful government program called Americorps*NCCC. When we weren't out doing good things for the community, we were on the Navy Base here in SD living it up 18-24 year old style. At that time, we were allowed to drink beer in the bowling ally on base. Ok, we weren't really allowed, but we did because no one really stopped us. But on base, you could technically drink beer. So one night, we were bowling. I don't remember much more than a lot of falling on my newly pierced nose and giggling and popcorn chasers because I didn't like beer. (This night stopped any budding beer habit. ugh) so at some point in the evening Tex turned to me and said, "HinaMonster!!" I can still hear his voice. I loved it immedietly and have used it ever since. I don't generally introduce myself as such, but it will always get a smile from me and I do answer to it.

Before the weekend

I'm learning to love bullits when I don't have a specific story to tell. But no bullits today.

I have also learned that not everyone appriciates my verbal stories as much as I enjoy telling them. Which is why it is good that I have a blog. Learning this hurt my feelings, but it is important to me not to be annoying or obnoxious. I don't want people to roll thier eyes at me behind my back, as I have learned happens, apparently, on my nights at Harbucks. It's difficult enough being odd without being annoying too. Here, I know, that if I'm not interesting, you'll just wander off and I will never know the difference. Are my insecurities showing? Of course. But I am aware that I have a need to fit in. I would rather not alienate myself.

Got a late notice in the mail yesterday on the storage. I am not paying it. Apparently, he couldn't be bothered with taking my name off the account or changing the address. I have to wonder if he thinks I will continue to pay! I can't do anything because he recinded the Power of Attorney. I'd pay it, but, he pissed me off. Why should I feel responsible for making sure he is able to keep "His Belongings"? Asshole.

I still have not opened the iMac. I know. and yes, I'll take pictures. I plan to get internet while I am at it. I'm overdue.

Breast Cancer event tomorrow, my business and I will be there. I am thinking it will be great exposure. And a worthy event. Being involved is a good thing. Even at grassroots levels. Plus, maybe I will sell some soap!

I've started schemeing again. Those that know me know it's one of the most healthy things I can do even though most of my schemes never come to pass. (which is good, actually.) For those of you who don't know me, if I don't have something brewing in the cauldron of my mind, there must be something really wrong. It's also the way I heal myself. I'm keeping this one to myself for the most part. I'll keep you updated if ever there is anything to tell.

Discovering Gina

I just copied and pasted today because, well...the things people come up with. REALLY.

5
27.78%
ginamonster blog (I am amazed at how often this is searched, even though many of the people I know don't read my blog. Or, if they do, they don't tell me so. Most of the Ginamonster presence on the web is me so...)

1
5.56%
clothing for big breasted (If you find it, PLEASE let me know)

1
5.56%
doin it doin it doin it picking your nose and chewin it (apparently, my family did not make this up. I am amazed at how often people search it)

1
5.56%
cap of curls

1
5.56%
new disease dickdo news (heh. I guess it's a disease. brought on by too much BEER!)

1
5.56%
borderline clingy

1
5.56%
carpet beetles eat t-shirts (probably. I can't remember. I know they like wool so I was REALLY concerned about my stash. of fiber, of course. thankfully the little critters went away on their own)

1
5.56%
sports physical school panties (um...)

1
5.56%
do it all by your self lyrics

1
5.56%
spinster muscle exercize (holy crap, there's a muscle for that? Which one is it? I think I need to stop exercizing it! I don't want my SPINSTER muscle to get too big!!!)

1
5.56%
pictures of full shown nakid woman with thier middle finger up

1
5.56%
steak and knobber night (Welcome oh wondermus DSC Listeners! March 20, oh yeah!)

1
5.56%
harbucks (Yeah, yeah, so I jacked the term from South Park. I think I will google this just to see what comes up)

1
5.56%
lyrics raised on bread and baloney


In other news:

• Molly died and I only have 2 fish fry left. I think the other 2 were eaten.
• I still have not opened my new iMac.
• um. nothing more to see here.

this is becomming a serious issue

I wander around all day coming up with things to blog about and then, when I am actually here, I forget everything. I bought a little book to write my ideas in, but I keep forgetting that I have it.

I found myself watching House of Carters the other night because it was sandwiched between episodes of Dr 90210 and well, since I don't have cable of my own, when I do have it available, I like to indulge in a little E! I was appalled at the behavior of the Carter family. Especially Aaron who, sadly, acted a lot like my brother. Maybe it's an 18 yr old thing. Maybe they are both just assholes sometimes. I was thinking, too, that it may have something to do with proving manhood at an age where you want to be an adult, but everyone still treats you like a kid. Now, I am not a Backstreet Boys fan, so I don't know the story of the apparently rather disfunctional Carters. What I did find myself wondering, after watching one of the sisters bad mouth, then break up with, then miss terribly, her boyfriend, is; when did it suddenly become acceptable to act like an ass because your childhood was crappy? I don't know anyone who had it picture perfect. Some were worse than others. But it seems to me, that instead of saying "I act like this because it's what I grew up with" you can say "I don't act that way because I saw how ugly it is". Sure, there are scars. There are emotional issues. And we will all have our breakdowns once in awhile. But I think it's past time for people to start taking responsibility for who they are. I don't think we have to be products of our childhoods. I think we can be whomever we make ourselves to be.

Speaking of Dr 90210, I am amazed at the way California is portrayed on TV. It looks so upscale and cosmopoliton. It looks as if everyone here is skinny and dreams of having bigger boobs because they will make them happier/help them make more money. Truth is, California is just another place. Sure, it's lovely, and there are a lot of tan people with fake boobs running around. But we have our poor sections. We have our middle class. Heck, they showed Oceanside and I didn't even recognize it! But if watching that show taught me anything, it's that plastic surgery is rather violent because they have to force your body to do things it wasn't built to do and, if you have ever seen a breast without a nipple, just a hole, then perhaps you would think that implants are a little scary too. Now, I am the first to say that if you have some sort of disfigurement by defect or accident, then plastic surgery is a wonderful thing if it helps you live a normal life, but I don't consider being flat chested a life hindrance. I am finding more and more that society's veiw of beauty is skewed. The news reports I read say that we find beauty in the familiar. And sadly, what has become familiar are fatless women with DD boobs. Or just Fatless women. And men with overdeveloped gleuts, pectorals, calves. I saw a picture of TO the other day without his shirt and found him to be almost insectile in his formation. I would imagine he would be like snuggling a board.
I am not advocating a "Fat America". But neither do I think that there is one set body type. Some people and natrually thin and fatless. Others can eat all the healthy food in the world and still be a bit fluffy. The average American doen't have a personal Trainer and Personal Chef to see to their needs.

Another religious rant

I had a lot to say. I was going to discuss my very busy weekend, post pictures of me and my mom at The Buddy Walk for Downs Syndrom on Saturday, give a high pitched squeel for my latest addition to my rock collection, a lovely fire opal, tell you about my new iMac, which I am afraid to take out of the box, discuss the wonderful breakfast I had yesterday with my mom's second husband and the two youngest siblings who are exceptionally articulate and cute and sang happy birthday to me (In tune!!no an easy feat!) and showed me how they can spell their names, and now mine, at almost 4.

But instead, as I was visiting at The Daily Snark, I was struck by todays post about a Bible camp aimed at teaching children to evangelicly take the United States back for Jesus. Teh volume was low, but I was frightened by the sight of children under 10 rocking and swaying in the extacy of His word. Chanting. Learning to be soldiers for Jesus. I don't think that is what Jesus intended! Sure, go out and spread his word! there are many who need it! But so are there many who choose to know god in a different way. This is not "war". And if you think that it is, then I am afraid that I will have to fight you. I don't like the idea of being chased down by children brainwashed into believeing that Jesus' way is the only way.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against your regular Christian individual. I think I hae underlined that many many times. Christianity brings many wonderful things to our society. But I don't believe that people should eb turned into mindless drones for ANY cause. And I really don't believe that America should be "taken back, for Jesus". And so, sadly, if it is to be war, I am afraid that I will fight, and fight dirty for my rights as an American to believe as I choose and not be condemned for it.

Because I am blessed to have been born in a country that recognizes constitutionally that there are many paths to God. That there is no one answer for everyone.

decisions

I am blessed (did you think I forgot about this? Ok, I did. but only temporarily) because there are a few years in there where I actually had a dad. And he hasn't always been fucked up so I can brag about some of the cool stuff he's done and remember the good times we had together. Trips to the movies and to the Swap Meet, the world's best omlettes and hostess chocolate donettes. All the lucky charms I could eat in a weekend...

It really bothers me, this thing with my dad, but I still maintain that I have done the best that I can, that he is disfunctional, not I. I suppose it will always bother me, and I don't expect that I will heal quickly. All I can be is strong and deal with it the best that I can.

I purchased additional Storage for my computer by way of a flash card, but my computer is too old to recognize it. So I have decided that it is time to purchase a new computer. New. Not used, not built by a friend, although those have worked really well fro me thus far. The thing is, that Computer A only has 2 gigs of memory. I don't know what that means, but I have used it up. and as my business grows, so does my computer usage. This last little experiment set me back two days. If I were in a money crunch that would be really bad. The one nice thing about having a really slow system is that I can knit while programs load. Sadly, this will set my debt free goal back many months. But you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

Have a good weekend, and of course, Welcome, to all of Dr John's readers on thier bloggeriffic oddessey. It's nice to hear from all of you. Keep an eye out for rabbits and dragons.

This n that

• I think I'm back in perspective. and thank goodness for that. Thank you to Sensei Ern for giving me another little tidbit to ponder on my path, and to Gary for reminding me that jealousy, even well placed, doesn't get me anywhere but frustrated.
• My home computer ran out of memory. shoot. I don't know if my other computer has the same programs so I have to figure out my best course of action. I'm thinking of getting one of those plug in drives. Then my business records would be moveable.
• What's cool, though is that I ran out of memory making labels for this event:www.validationofvenus.homestead.com which I am TRYING to donate mini soaps for, and dangit, I am going to do just that as soon as I can print the labels. I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to donate to this worthy cause. hee hee. I'll be in a swag bag!
• I think I'm falling apart. and getting a bit too fluffy for my taste. So out with the coffee, because I am feeling achey again, and last time this happened, caffeine was to blame, and yes I know I work at a coffee shop but I can drink the water which is yummy and better for me anyway. and no more pastries AT ALL, among other things I plan to do to shed those pounds and fluffies that have come over me since I stopped exercizing. Honestly, I REALLY want this sprain to heal. I can handle the pain, it's the sedimentation that drives me crazy! Fluffies. sounds so much better than Cellulite!

sage advice from a dead guy

I watched Tombstone last night for the first time, or I should say, that I finished watching it, as it generally takes me a couple of days to watch a movie. Truly I cannot remember the last time that I sat and watched a film, usually I'm doing something else as well and wandering all over the house OR I have to stop the movie part way through and go run an errand or go to work.

So, it was a good movie, I enjoyed it, but at the end, something was said that made me feel better about my world and where I am, and the jealousy I sometimes feel towards those who lead what is in all appearances a "normal life". You know, the kind where you settle down to a job, a house, a spouse, and a couple of rug rats. Doc Holliday said the following to Wyatt Earp at the end of the movie:

"There is no Normal Life, there is only Life"

I hope that his words return to me when I am feeling antsy about where I stand in this world. In overview, I think I am doing the best that I can to live my life to the fullest. I should stop worrying about whether I am living the "right" life, and accept that I just need to live MY life. and that my life is different from other people's. It is unfair to me to expect to do what other people have done. So I am shopping around before I pick a partner. What's wrong with that? I'm not a slut, and I'm not harming anyone. Sure, I'd like to "settle down" but first I have to find a man who will encourage me to fly. To follow my dreams and adventure with me. Being married must not be right for me at this time in my life because I haven't done it yet. Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean I have to. I think I need to remember how much I like living outside the box and how much that box can feel like a cage when you aren't ready for it.

Wild Weekend

Friday night we had a prank caller. The obscene kind. I had a great time talking to him, or should I say, laughing at him. Word of advice, if someone asks you to guess what is in his right hand, the most innocent possible answer is not, "A small furry animal" oops. heh. I crack myself up. There were other things said, all of which amused me greatly, a few overshares (to which biker bob said, "you shared that with a complete stranger?") but I felt it was nessesary to gross the kid out as much as possible. I also stretched the truth a bit and said I had a boyfriend, but I'm not stupid, when a strange man claming to be pleasuring himself on the phone asks if I have a boyfriend, of COURSE the answer is yes!! Regardless, I laughed my head off. It was great.

The baby shower on Saturday was fun. (gasp!!) and it was nice to spend some time with my mom and sister. Brother got into another car accident on Friday night. he insists that he rolled into the pole. I didn't know that rolling into a pole at low speeds going up hill an do the sort of damage that was done, but the truck is now undrivable (the tire came right off the wheel!!). He, Thankfully, is ok.

It was hard getting up and going to work on Sunday morning, but I made it. Then I was off to my nephew's birthday party where I was treated to head on collisions, nudity, and a booger picking ettiquitte lesson.

Watching all those kids and their parents made me wonder what it would be like to have kids. I mean, I know it's tough. And what little bit of children I see isn't nearly what it's really like to be a parent. But it would be hard, you know, the birthday parties and the ettiquitte lessons and my goodness, the tantrums! I've been alone for so long that I can't remember what it is even like to have another person in the house, (the old roomates don't count, I hardly saw them) and to have someone constantly in need of your attention and supervision? How hard is it not to turn them away while you finish up dinner or watch your TV show? We all SAY we wouldn't do that if it was our kid, but how do we really know? How do you teach your kid that they shouldn't get nakid at the party when they saw another kid do it and they were taking their clothes off because they were wet from the pool without telling they they are bad?
I found myself feeling lonely for the opportunity to find out these things,which only served to underline the whole, I am getting older and still have not found a life partner thing. I mean, it's not hard to accumulate a kid. They have banks for that. But if I were going to be a mom, I want there to be a dad. My cousin's husband flat out asked me if I didn't want to have a long term monagamous relationship, and of course I do, but I also don't want to settle. I tried to explain how difficult it is to date at our age, but he didn't understand. He and my cousin are lucky. They met when she was 16 (he's a few years older than us, I just don't remember how many) and while many of us didn't think it would last because they were so young, they have been together for 13 years now and well, if ever they have hit a rough patch, she hasn't told me.
I am aware that I am not that old, but my fertile years are passing by. I think about this alot. Truly I am no closer to finding Mr Right than I ever have been. I try not to lose faith that things happen all in good time. I really try. It's as if there is a whole other culture of people, (rudely called "the breeders" in some circles) who are having this experience that I may never have. and I guess I'm more than a little bit jealous. I don't regret the decisions that I have made thus far, I'm really glad that I was able to devote my twenties to myself. But I am getting ready to leave my twenties. and going forward, I would really like someone to share my time with. someone with a future, not a good for now. Funny how many years I have been saying that. It's not getting any easier, that's for sure. I keep telling myself though, that one of these times, one will stick. We'll like each other equally and want to be together. We will be, as I call it, mutually agreeable. I'm not naieve enough to pretend that everything will be perfect. There is no perfect and often, I think that some of the strengths in a relationship come from getting through the imperfect times. Still...

Wow. That was a lot more information than I intended.