owie, owie, owie

For the past few days my shoulder has been bothering me. I blame my shoulder pain on a hoodlam who ran into me with his snowboard before I could pick myself up offa the snow a couple of years ago. He's not a hoodlam because he boards, or even because he hit me, he's a little shit because he gave me a dirty look then boarded off without an apology. Bad manners.
So today, I'm in pain. I recieved attention after the initial injury because I was working for the chiropractor then. But He's far away now, so I would be willing to settle for a massage. I have flare ups every so often, but today is bad so I will likely be leaving work early.
On the lighter side, my bra doesn't hurt today.

ouch

my bra has been digging painfully into my skin all day. And it's new. And I bought 4 of them because they FIT in the store. I am hoping I just put it on too tight. I guess that's the problem with the wardrobe boxes at Victoria's Secret. The samples are a bit stretched.

Blogstipation came back...Perhaps that girl will be inappropriately dressed again.

I'm official!!

You may call me the Reverend Monster.

Dear Girl that is not in my department who often dresses inappropriately for work,

If you insist on wearing a white see-through skirt to work without a slip, please have a little bit of class and abstain from wearing black panties. Of course, according to my admin, we are lucky you are wearing panties, unlike the day you wore white pants without any, and it was obvious. Then again, I guess we should also be glad they were thong underwear, because, well, then we don't have to see your panty lines, but oh wait, since we can see through your skirt, we can see your panty lines anyway. hmm.

Wow!

Apparently, my Cousin is very well known in the Movie industry! I'd say, having seen his picture, that he is likely from my Dad's generation, as opposed to mine. I have not come accross anything that would help me to contact him. Maybe another day, I should be working.

ahh.

Thanks Sargini, the blogslax worked great.

I watched "A Day Without A Mexican" last night. It brought several things to mind.

1. Should something like this actually, happen, would I be included in the latino majority? I know that I embrace my latin roots even though I don't express them genetically. I also do not speak spanish, but really, neither does my dad (except when it involves money), he forgot it all because there was no ESL when he was a kid, it was English or nothing. But trust me, I am well aware that I didn't get my Ghetto Bootie from my mom (she who is shaped like a 12 year old boy)and I am very proud of the fact that my curly hair is passed down from my great grandmother. But is this enough? I know that I preach that we are all Americans regardless of our ethnic heritage, but in the movie, the people who dissapeared were Americans too. (United States of Americans, Sargini)

2. My thoughts on open borders aside, I have to admit that if all the migrant workers dissapeared, California would be fucked. Because frankly, they do the work that many of us consider "unworthy". I don't know any American Citizens who consider picking fruit an alternative when they get laid off, instead they sit around and collect unemployment until the next corporate option arrives. Don't get me wrong, I know that not all Latinos pick fruit for a living, but thank goodness for the ones that do. They are certainly more humble than I.

3. I was very excited when, during one of the Border Patrol Scenes, I saw my name on the white board. I'm not sure what that board signified (missing officers?) but there it was, my last name, usually forgotten in the history books unlss it is a Key Word. My family has been in this area for generations, and we ar rarely if ever mentioned. I knew of course that there must be an actor or something with that name, so I watched the Credits and there he was, part of the crew (an important part, I might add). So I think I will google him and try to email him. It is past time that I became a part of my family.

All in all, I really enjoyed the movie. I'm glad I watched it.

Helloooo!

I have another case of blogstipation today. So, for the moment, no quirky insights, no random thought processes. oh well. maybe later.

here's a thought

An article on Fox News referred to Homicide Bombers in London. Homicide Bombers, not Suicide bombers. I like that. If you take away the suicide status, doesn't this mean they are no longer martyrs but rather killers? since Martyrs are often considered heros and killers bad guys, if we take away thier martyerdom, maybe they will stop blowing themselves and everyone ese up. maybe we will force them to change thier perspective because there's no glory in sensless murder. My sister has read the Q'uran. the prophet Mohammed did not intend this. Let us stand together and call these bombers what they are. abomidable. sheep. murderers. (They are not murdering sheep, they are behaving like sheep. baa) They are not furthering thier cause by exterminating infidels. They are murdering innocent people.

I pondered this idea as I climbed the mountain this weekend, and here is what I thought:

That if God is all knowing and created us all, then how can a reasonable person believe that the killing of other people is God's will? If I built a cabinet, and someone came along and burned it, I would be angry. But, let us play the devil's advocate. if I built a cabinet and I didn't like it, and someone burned it, I would thank them. BUT since a cabinet is not alive, it isn't a very good analogy anyway. AND I try not to assume I know the will of God. BUT I do believe that God is within all of us. That life itself is devine. While death happens and is a nessesary part of life, I do not think that murder, even in the name of God is right. However, I do admit that I get a bit fuzzy on that when it comes to capital punishment.

T has been reading a book on the origins of Tao. Sounds very interesting. He pointed out that China, the world's oldest country, has never had a religious war. I can't wait to dig into that book!

I'm thinking that if I am to be a minister, I need to start reading up on religeons not my own. You know, so I am not ignorant. I should probably go buy a Bible too...You know, because the Song of Soloman is SO romantic...

oh. This too

My pirate name is:

Mad Anne Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Also, Pam Anderson is my Celebrity Twin. Thanks to LuckySpinster for giving me a reason to ignore my work.

Movie Review

"Devil's Rejects"

While I don't think this was a complete waste of my time, and I did not have any kind of urge to leave the theater, this is not my kind of movie. It was not a horror film like we thought, more of a violent killers type of thing (I had not seen "House of 1000 Corpses) and I am not into senseless killing. It did, however, have enough comedy mixed in to keep us giggling throughout.

Unfortunately, T did not suggest taking me to another movie at a later time to make up for it. But dinner was yummy, and he returned my call after I politely called to thank him for the evening and tell him I had a nice time.

Doing my best to keep things in perspective. Not doing a good job. oh well. I gotta be me.

Hi!

Just poppin in for a rare Sunday Hello. My weekend is going very well. Nothing too exciting, which is probably good.

More tomorrow.

oh holy one

I'm looking into becoming a non-denominational minister. Why? My mom and her Fiancee want me to officiate thier wedding. If I am going to pay to have a one day licence, why not pay to make it permenant and be able to marry anyone?

I am not interested in the tax advantages of this status. I'm thinking my title should be Kahuna. Except that I am not Hawaiian and therefor would be a poseur.

I can't find anything in the California Law code that says I need anything more than ordination. fun.

Forgot to tell you

I watched Saved! the other night. I loved it.

Bunco Madness

With my Bunco group, we have secret pals, so at the end of the evening, we all get presents.

My goodie bag was full of scrapbooking stuff. (I think someone went over the $5 limit!) The woman next to me starts pulling yarn out of her bag (really nice stuff, I might add) and exclaiming in excitement. Then she reached in, and pulls out a big purple dildo. (!!!!) She was excited to recieve it so I guess her secret pal knows her well enough to give her something like that. Whoa. weird. so the question of the day is, where does one go about purchasing a $5 dildo? And, no, I don't want one, I think they are icky.

Me and Girl Roomie with Gary. At one point, we wore Gary's sparring gear. (you can see his vest on the floor behind us) We learned that wearing sparring gear does not stop the boobie pain of a running, leaping chest bump. Good thing we have cushioned chests.

oh, I'm funny!

Current favorite quote:

Me:

"Summertime Vacumming is so much cooler when you aren't wearing anything"

(I miss the rampant nudity I enjoyed when I didn't have roomates!)

Go back to Med School, Sis

Talking to the bug guy yesterday. He often regales me with stories of well...stories. First, you all would be amazed at the things people demand of him (I once called him and asked him to tent my office trailer because there was one pincher bug. I was kidding, most people are not)

So because of the large amounts of rain we got this year in my normally dry climate, we have a lot of bugs. Trailer Town seems to be plagued with tiny spiders. Tiny. Pinhead. Too small to bite. I leave them alone because they aren't hurting me and they eat other bugs. Many people around here want their office fumigated. Good thing for BG though, is that he get to see all sorts of bug bites. One girl hiked up her skirt to show him, and when he told her he could see her thong, she said it was ok.

So yesterday he gets stopped by someone. He wouldn't tell me who, and I'm glad. She says to him, "BG, I think I got bit by one of those spiders, and now I think I have chlamydia". He looked at her for a second and tried to think of a good way to break the news without a sexual harassment suit. he finally settled on "Um, you know that's like, a venerial disease, right?"

She was very embarassed, I'm still laughing.

Today will be filled with blogging fun

Other than that I have ha a pretty "stupid" week. by a stupid week, I mean that I have been excessively dingy. First of all, I have no idea what day it is. all week long. Second, I learned at Bunco last night that I cannot count. at all. simple math escapes me. more on Bunco later.

YES I play Bunco. and not with a bunch of old ladies, these are women my age. some with kids, some without. All a lot of fun. More later.

Dear Fellow Hikers

I would like you to know that I absolutely love hiking with you. I love to meet you and your dogs on the common hiking path. I would like to request, however, that if you are going to bring your dog with you, that you pick up his poo. even if he goes off the path, I can still smell it. poo is stinky. I hike up the mountain for FRESH air. not poo air. If I want to smell dog poo, I'll stay home. Molly makes plenty.

Thanks.

PS if you have a silly little rat dog, please remember that they are not made for hiking. They are made for the Paris Hilton Wannabes to carry around in silly little dog carriers. They are not made to taverse miles of terrain strewn with boulders bigger than they are. furthermore, it is too hot to carry little furballs back down the mountain, so do yourself and your puppy a favor. leave them at home in the air conditioning.

PPS if you are too stupid to bring your own water to hike up the hill in 100 degree weather, please remember to bring some for your dog. he is counting on you to take care of him even if you don't take care of yorself. And while you're at it, bring one of those neat collapsable water bowls. your doberman isn't going to get enough water if you pour it out drinking fountain style for him to lick. and a capful is not enough for your chuihuahua. If this is too much to carry, perhaps your dog would be willing to do it. They make really neat harnesses just for this. I used to backpack with an English Spaniel that carried her own food. She was cool.

Yay, Yoda!

a sage individual I am.

Humming Birds

Humming Birds have a special place in my family history. When my paternal Grandfather was in the Hospital with Cancer, and his wife (My Grandma-L)would be there to visit with him. one day, she had stepped out to have a cigarette and a humming bird flew right up into her face, then flew away. She knew at that moment that Grandpa had died (confirmed when she went back into the room) and she swears to this day that he "flew away on the wings of a humming bird" because he loved them so much. (a fact I did not know until she told me this story just as I didn't know that his favorite dessert was Strawberry Shortcake until I ate it after his funeral. Bittersweet and sad how little I know about my father's family)
So Sunday, when I saw a Humming Bird outside my kitchen window, I smiled as usual and thought of Grandpa. But yesterday, when I was in the Fairy Garden watering the flowers, a humming bird buzzed my ear. Close. Twice.
So it makes me wonder if perhaps Grandpa is trying to tell me something. It makes me worry about my dad, who I haven't spoken to in a long time. Or if Grandma L is ok, as I haven't hear from her in awhile either.
I guess I am superstitious. I still hope Daddy is ok.

Still smiling!

Had a great time at scrapbooking, plan to take my mom with me to Summers Past Farms for soap materials this week or next. I think she will love it there as much as I do. It really is a special kind of place. My scrapbooking friends want to do a joint expo to help our businesses grow. What a dynamis group of women! I love being around positive minded individuals.
Called my friend Eddie about setting up my website. I'm just going to have to "Do It" and figure out how to pay for it later. I should probably get a digital camera, although my mom says I can use hers. She also said she would help me with my logo, which is in my head, but I don't have the skills to put it on paper.
Girl Roomie is back in town, maybe tonight I can get things moving again.
Sold my first bar of soap yesterday. Hooray!

Found another Happy Place

Watering my flowers. This weekend I planted mint in the tank and black eyed susans in the bowl of the toilet-turned planter in my back yard. Now I am out every day with my watering can watering the flowers and the trees and talking to them because they are lonely and need encouragement to grow. No, they don't talk back, they are plants. weirdo.

I watched a lot of movies and worked on my business. Got my Catalog all laid out! I still need a phone number. and a bank account. maybe tomorrow on the phone, I have some pushing to do at the partner for the account. madness, all of it. I'm dreading telling her that she still owes me like 87 bucks for utilities last month. She's been on vacation for the past week or so. I'm a pushover, I know.

on the hooray for me side, I finally confronted T about the lack of phone call thing. He apologized and didn't even try to make an excuse, so he's back on my good side. I think we're going for Thai food on Friday. yummy! He said I need to tell him when he's being an a-hole. i kow we all agreed not to say anything, but it continued to bother me. And I decided that my feelings were actually valid, not silly, and I need to express myself on teh little things too. because sometimes the little things grow into big things. and not in a good way.

Disturbing things coming to light about boy roomie, like the fact that he "went berserk" (I was indoors watching movies) this weekend and whacked my step brother a good one upon the knee with a stick. Brother just got a high paying job (he now makes almost as much as me!) in construction. there is hope that he is not permenantly injured, he has not gone to the Dr. yet. Also, Poo came upon him one day madly jumping up and down on a momma possum he just killed. Poo got graphic with the description, I will not. but with thier momma gone, the babies died too. No remorse. I'm thinking it would be best if girl roomie and I parted ways with boy roomie at the end of our lease. It would certainly make it easier to find a home...

My happy place

We all have them. But last night I had the opportunity to visit one of my happy places and I feel very at peace with myself because of it.

I went kayaking for the first time in many months last night. In addition to the joy I feel with each stroke of my paddle, I have to say that my favorite part of the evening is always the end.

Not because it's over, but at that point, it's twilight. All is quiet and the water in the bay is smooth. In the harbor, it is almost like glass. All I can hear is the rhythmic splash of my paddles as the propel me through the water. Sometimes, I close my eyes and get lost in the moment. But not for too long, I don't want to hit anything. It's one of those moments when life is perfect.

Another thing I love about kayaking is that when I'm out there, I am concentrating on paddling. I'm not thinking about my personal issues. It's just me and the elements. Total paradise. There are those who have suggested that I try a canoe. I have. And I do like it. I have a certification in it. But I like kayaking getter. In a regular kayak (not the sit on top kind), you're practically in the water. but you are on top of it. Since I prefer dry land, kayaking gives me the feeling of being in the water, the floating boyency, the connection with nature, without having to submerge in it. Don't get me wrong, I like to swim (NOT IN THE BAY!! EEW) but I am afraid of water plants and the ocean floor where I can't see it. I prefer to float and be near the water if I can. Strange for a girl that wa born and raised inan ocean town. But I'm afraid of lakes too, so, oh well.

Pondering the universe

Since I undertand the biological need for love among humans, I am tring to understand the point behind being love sick and hanging on beyond nessesity. I know it isn't just me (and Jenny)because there are countless movies and songs devoted to that very idea.

I learned a lot about myself from reading my first journal, this next one oughta be interesting!

Hmm. Maybe I was crazy

Still reading my journals, and I think, now that I've gotten into more juicy stuff, that perhaps I really have grown more than I thought I had.

and I think, I've realized that I just wanted someone to love me, since I wasn't really getting that vibe from my family. Still do, actually, although in a different way, since I know my family loves me now.

There is question as to why I am seeing a counselor. It's because I have a lot of unresolved issues that I feel I need to address. I feel like I need an outside party to help me to help myself. She is not a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, she's a professional that seems to be studying who I am and make suggestions as to how I can overcome my issues. Based on the things that I say, not what a book says. I am well aware that I am a square peg, and I have no interest in fitting into any holes. I think she is helping me to heal. She told me last week that it is ok to be angry. Since my mom always told me I should forgive, it was great hearing that I don't have to. I felt like I had hit a gowing plateau, and I needed help to move on.

Last night

I spent the evening with two of my favorite Canadians...Doug and Bob McKenzie. They're pretty funny, eh?

"I am your father, Luke. Come over to the dark side you knob."

I rewound that part until I remembered it.

Then I watched my bungee jumping video. It was an amusing evening.

Since I don't have any 14 year olds to observe, I thought I could read my old journals. I learned two things. That I still strive to be interesting to people I don't know. (it's sad how many of my entries started with or ended with something to the effect of, "you may not think thi is important, exciting, interesting, etc.) that I have been chasing the ideal man since I was 9 (!!). and that I had a lot more control when I was 15 than I do now. I guess that's three things.

I also learned that since that little girl still lives inside my head, reading my journals does not give an accurate discription of 14 year olds. guess I need a plan C, since movies don't give an accurate portrayal, they are written by adults.

Snicker Worthy

To best understand why the things my admin says are so funny, you have to understand that this is a woman who won't say damn. He father was a minister, she went to a christian college and majored in English and Theology. She's 64.

The following was her response to my boss, who was bugging her about a bag of green leaves whe was sniffing.

"Yes, it is pot. And I'm not sharing. I have my own special pipe too."

The bag was full of fresh spearamint from a friends garden. I left the room giggling. I am glad that my life is filled with laughter.

Forgot

They came and got the goat on Friday. It was bittersweet. He pressed his nose against the car window and cried at me. I miss him. Oh well.

The other twin cracked me up at the party Sat. when he had his first taste of wine. he sputtered, coughed, choked, and spit into his mother's hand. Funny, that's what I do when I drink wine too!

I replied

but I didn't mention the lack of phone call. Thought it less psychotic. Did my best to keep it light.

Another Monday

Speaking of Mondays, hows about we start seeing them as a fresh new day and a great start to a new week instead of our least favorite day because we have to go back to work?

Over the weekend, I didn't do much. I also never heard from T, which causes me to feel hurt and upset, and also angry. The hurt and upset I can take responsibility for because I appears that I expected too much. The anger, I think is justified because he behaved just like most of the other men I have dated in that he said he would call, and then he didn't. I thought he was so much more than that. If he wasn't planning to call, he shouldn't have told me he would. I did manage to get through the weekend without dwelling on it, but today I am. He emailed me this morning, I have not composed my reply. I am glad to hear he is still alive and that everyone is healthy in his world (which is the excuse I gave him for not calling) but I think he needs to know that I am angry, even though I would like to say, as I did with E, that I wouldn't be angry with a "regular" friend for not calling. Which is true, but I also know I need to quit making excuses and allowing men to hurt me.

One good thing about this weekend, I told myself that I was going to start hiking a local mountain every Sunday, and I actually did it! It's two miles round trip, and a pretty steep climb. I was TIRED whe I was done, and I'm a bit sore today, but I think if I keepp it up, I should be in great shape in no time.

New assignment

My new assignment is to study teen agers between 14 and 16 to better understand myself at that age and how I didn't really have the skills to deal with the reponsibilities that were thrust upon me, even though I thought I did.
It was amazing yesterday to really look into how young I was when I started fending for myself. I mean, I knew I was young, but I didn't realize that the process started when I was around 6 (when my mom married my step dad) and that I was more or less responsible for everythng but my dinner by the time I was 9 ish. Don't get me wrong, I had everything a child needs, food, shelter, clothes, a more than healthy dose of dicipline and negative attention...But I was responsible for my breakfast (didn't eat) my lunch, (usually didn't eat, and funny, my family just laughed the day I told them I had a dorrito for lunch. Now I understand how wrong that is) laundry, chores...all the things that I have to deal with as an adult, only now I have bills too. Yesterday I had to tell my counselor that I didn't go to the dentist or doctor from the time I was 9 until I made myself an appointment for a sports physical when I was 14, and a dental cleaning when I was 17.
But one of the things that I didn't realize is that through all that, I had to deal alone with all the emotions that I was having. Crying was not allowed, so I would wait until I went to bed, and cry myself to sleep. I was so angry at my parents, my mom for ignoring me and not standing up for me, and my step dad for being mean, but I wan't allowed to be angry, and as I got older and we left, my mom told me that I needed to forgive my step dad, that it wasn't ok to be angry. The reason this matters now is that I see how I have trouble turning to anyone else for comfort. Anyone else for support. Because I have supported myself emotionally for so long. And I think I need to learn to accept the support of others so that I can be more of a whole person. It felt really good when she told me that it was ok to be angry.

How it went

Last night was nice. We hugged when I arrived (on time, I might add) and then we headed to the restraunt. We chatted and talked about this n that. I learned the hard way that when the menu says "Seared and rare" it means cooked on the outside, raw on the inside. I ate it anyway. He stole the check. I ordered an expensive meal thinking I would be paying for it. But he threatened to take his clothes off if I argued further.
We picked up tea and headed to his place to watch "The Last Samuri" his idea. I was game. We sat on opposite ends of the couch as would be appropriate. When he walked me to my car, it was gone. Towed. So I stayed the night, he on the couch, me on the bed. Had to go get supplies, and he took me to get my car this morning. He offered to pay the fees. Or half the fees, but I didn't let him.
All in all, I feel very good about the evening. It was, as I told myself, Just Dinner. He offered to take me out to dinner (again) to make up for the towing thing. I figure if he wants to find excuses to see me again, that's fine with me, and I can expect a call tonight or tomorrow. The lovely thing about it is that I know he really will call. Does this mean my hopes are up? yes. they are. but i will continue to tell myself it's just dinner unless it turns into something more, but, hey, no expectations, right?

Man, It's been a long time!

Wedding went great. my favorite part of the rehersal was when my littlest sister (two and a half) spit into the holy water font. becuase kids do stuff like that. I didn't let her see me laugh, and yes, she was repremanded for being disrepectful. I don't really think God minds. I think children are funny on purpose.
Favorite part of the wedding was (other than the whole thing) when the bride started singin "goin to the chapel" in the limo and all the bridesmaids joined in. I got goosebumps.
Sunday I did not get sunburned at the beach. Plus it's Red Tide time and if you have never seen it at night, it's gorgeous. I can't explain it, but it's a must see.
Monday my step brother's wedding went great. I accidentally caught the bouquet.
Yesterday I panic-ed because T anounced that he was coming up and would stop by. I know I am supposed to see him tonight anyway, but I panic-ed. He didn't make it, but he did call me to explain why and sounded happy to speak with me. (don't get your hopes up, gina)We also worked out the logistics for tonight.
Last night I played amazing flying gina trying to keep my boy roomie from seeing me in my sports bra and now I have a painful foot and rug burns all over my legs. I think it's funny, wish I had video, as usual.
New coworker started yesterday. I knew I would like her if I could just get to know her.

Has a couple of epiphanies over the holiday.

one. That old people drive slow because they have learned that life is precious and cars can kill ya.

two. That although I like haveing a boyfriend, I like myself better when I am single. So I must not settle for anyone that I do not feel free with. (now to implement that...)

Happy weekend, all

I'm off for another exciting weekend. I hope to have some good stories for you. On the agenda:

Tomorrow a man is going to come and get the goat for a weekend test run. I don't think he realizes how much trouble a goat is, even though I tried to tell him. I have another lead just in case.
I hope to get a pedicure. then it's wedding stuff.

Saturday is the wedding. nuff said.

Sunday, a day at the beach. hope i don't get another sunburn!

Monday BBQ at a friend's hous. should be fun and uneventful. still hopeing I don't get a sunburn

I'll be back on tuesday. Happy 4th of July to my American readers, um...have a good weekend to those outside the USA!!

Making chocolate penises. yeah. I have a mold for that. (blush) this was before the sunburn.

I didn't have a title for this post. I have been wanting to discuss it for awhile.

I have a friend who is going through a divorce. I may have mentioned him before as I am currently guardien of all the damaging emails his ex wife sent to her lover.

This is why I am confused. Women. Flock to him. He's seeing so many he gets them confused. He makes dates with more than one in an evening. One leaves and another comes over. They don't know about each other (I told him to drop the psycho one and get a datebook). Part of my confusion stems from the fact that I don't find this person at all attractive. He's a nice guy, but not attractive to me. The other part of my confusion is the part where I ask, "why him and not me?" the situation with T and E being a rare occation, I usually go months between dates. Some tell me I am too picky. But I don't consider it picky that I don't want to go out with 40 year old chubby bald guys that tell me they want to be my chair in a bar.

One nice thing about having a playboy friend is that I asked him where I should take T for his birthday and he had a whole list of places. We have reservations on Wednesday. Per our discussion, no birthday hooplah. And no expectations. I will have them anyway, I can't help it. good timing though, I have a couseling appointment the next night. I think I'm going to need it.

Another bossless day

Found this at LuckySpinster:



create your own personalized map of the USA

Wow. I need to get out more.

I also need to find the following restraunt:

Excellent food, reasonable price, good atmosphere without too much noise so there can be conversation.

I'm taking T out to dinner next week for his "I'm not celebrating my birthday" birthday. I am doing this with the full understanding that I will likely go home crying.(He is not mean, but if he doesn't say he would like to see me again or something to that effect, it will break my heart.) I am doing this with the understanding that if I go home crying, I will have to end our friendship because it hurts me too much. I had hoped that I was bigger, better, stronger than that. but apparently I am not. And if there is no indication next week of a possibility for the future, then I know I have to count my losses, gather my pride and move on. Which means that I can't have any contact since every email gives me hope. And every misplaced hope turns into tears later. it's been nearly two months. We were only together for three. I should be done being weepy. I am not an emotional individual. Really, I should be quite over this by now.

ick

I think someone was feeding me dog food while I was sleeping last night. blah. Not that I got very much sleep. Nothing worse than insomnia.

Another landlord Update

Apparently my step brother went to landlord's house for a visit. here's how it went:

"How do you know where I live?"
"Your daughter told me"
"Well, I'm going to bed right now"

then he slammed the door in my brother's face. hmm. I am feeling more and more like it is a blessing that I will be moving at the end of my lease. I don't think I want the kind of people that they are turning out to be in my life, even if they are a fringe element.

on a happy note, I got to play with sand paper and wood putty today (damn desk snagged my nylons AGAIN!). I feel content.

Rebellion

I am eating a poppyseed muffin today. And it tastes gooood. Why is this rebellious? Because if I get randomly drug tested in the next couple of days, those poppyseeds are going to show up as opiates and my company doesn't consider muffins an excuse.

Meanwhile, I was brought a next full of fledgeling swallows this morning. The lady who brought them didn't seem to appriciate that I wanted to return them to where they were found so that nature could take it's course. She said to me, (a bit coldly, actually)"I guess they're in God's hands then" and I said "yes. and sometimes that is the best place for them to be"

I have learned from the saving of animals that unless it was human intervention that caused thier problem, it is often best to let nature take it's course. Mother birds push thier babies out of the nest to teach them to fly. While it is highly likely that the dog will eat them, that's nature. I don't have to like it, and I would never harm the birds directly, (unless they needed to be put to sleep like a gopher I once knew) But I also understand that some just won't make it. And with all the swallow nests there are around here, I think plenty will. It's hard to let nature take it's course. But honestly, since this place was built, we have had more and more swallows come here each year. Which means more pairs are mating and raising successful nests. If each nest has 4 babies, and there are at least 100 nests, that's 400 new swallows. If even 10% of those die, that's still 360 swallows, 300 of which will likely come back next year along with maybe half the original 100...that's a lot of bird shit. So lady, don't be angry with me for allowing nature to take it's course. dogs eat stuff (especially this one). The stronges survive. For me to take care of these birds would meanmissing work time, tending them at home (the last ones I brought home kept me up all night), which means less time I can spend with my existing pets, and so on. Thankfully, the Landscape manager agreed to take care of them, so they are out of my hands. But I want to know what it is about people that they cannot leave well enough alone?

Ahh. What a Weekend

It was SO nice not haveing to do anything this weekend (except listen to the goat cry ALL DAY Saturday)

I worked on the office side of soap stuff. I saw Batman Returns. I took a nap. I went to the swap meet. My mom bought me a bunny. Everyone, meet Jack. (pictures someday, perhaps)He's snuggly.

contimplated asking T and his Best Friend to a baseball game, but decided it was not in my best interest. I do plan to ask him to dinner for his birthday though. I can't help but be excited to maybe get to see him even though I know that too may not be in my best interest.

Woke up Saturday feeling much better after my terribly cranky Friday. I have decided that I am depressed and that is why life hurts so badly right now. Having been depressed before, I know I can deal with it and make it through.

So I guess things are pretty much back to normal.

What is wrong with me??

It is completely unlike me to be in this horrible of a mood for this long. I don't know what is wrong with me. All week long I have been irritable, weepy, cranky, and today, I'm somewhat angry and somewhat "don't give a fuck".
I don't want to work, I don't want to knit, spin, make soap, play with the dog or the goat. I don't want to shop (course I'm broke so that's a good thing)Don't want to go out, don't want to stay in. I am annoyed with my friend (see posts below). Too early for PMS, I'm thinking it's a good thing I don't have a boyfriend because I don't even want to be around me. I couldn't even come up with Wednesday Fun this week so I had to send off some lame ass have a good weekend message with a pathetic attempt at humor when I discussed tormenting my goat. Blah. blah blah blah.

Ugh. I tried taking a nap yesterday , but that didn't help, and then I ended up sobbing after I watched "The Bachelor".

I hope this is just growing pains, and that I will get out of this slumo soon because I am driving myself crazy.

Work Quote of the Day

To be taken completely out of contex, of course.


"if it doesn't come the first time, and you force it and it breaks..."


Thank you Grace for providing me a giggle. She was talking about the lock in the door that is broken.

Whoa!

So to avoid horrid smells and the jet engine toilet, I haev started using the far away restroom. It is also good for my figure. Today, however, as I was leaving, I happened to glance down and see a ginormous bug on the floor. Ginormous. like 3 inches long and 2 inched wide. some sort of beetle, which my biologist sister would argue is not a bug at all but an insect, whatever. It wasn't a roach, just huge bug, the likes of which we do get in the countryside where I work. I would have zeroed in for a closer look but there was someone in that stall and I am not one to lurk in bathrooms.

The question being, do I risk giant bugs or horrid smells and a scary toilet? I think I'll take the bug.

ARRGH!

I realize I am not perfect and don't always catch all the stuff I am supposed to do as part of my job (I have a lot of crumbs to keep track of) But is it really so hard to remember that Certain Work orders have to go through me? especially when I have told you like, once a week since that decision was made? There's a reason for it. Follow the proceedure!


While I realize this post only makes sense to me, I don't have any real authority to yell at people at work so I have to do it into cyber space.

Landlord update

Sargini wanted to know:

My landlord called a mutual friend who relayed the following message to my step dad:

"I miss your company but I don't want to venture into enemy territory"

To which Poo responded, "If you don't like my daughter, you don't like me"

Lines have been drawn. Texas style.

Meanwhile, I didn't know I was the enemy, but what did I expect for having threatened to slap a restraining order on his wife, and it occurred to me that although I have said that I don't have a problem with him, his reply could be, "if you don't like my wife, you don't like me" so... I'm not really sure what he thinks he would have done if his landlord trespassed on his property and all that, but whatever, I will finish my lease and be out of there.

and that, my friends, is all until tomorrow.

Peelings, nothing more than Peelings...

On my forehead and in the cleavage. gross.

My Seester and I dance wildly to the sounds of Dude Jones, Palm Springs Band extraordinaire. Note the reddish hue of my formerly lillywhite skin! 

Caught

So I got caught flipping through a catalog while my copies were being made. I played it off like I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I am concerned that it will bite me in the butt later. HOWEVER it occurred to me that at least I didn't get caught reading the dicipline letter that was sitting on the admin's desk. No, I didn't read it at all. but I have to admit, sometimes it's tempting to peek!

the friend

She is meeting with an ex tomorrow, and wondered what to wear, wanting something to make him squirma a little. I think she is setting herself up for hurt, so I just keep my mouth shut and tell her to have fun, but I feel like I am lying to her when I smile and wish her luck. After all, he ended things with her when his ex came back and wanted to reunite and he treated her in a disrespectful manner so I don't understand why she would want to be friends when I know it is better for her when they don't have contact. I don't want to judge, this is none of my business. and there is nothing I can do, she has to make her own choices, but I have to hear about them.

Meanwhile I question the health of my friendship with T even though I am thrilled to be talking to him because it makes me wonder if I am not getting false hopes. But I did promise myself that If I do ever see him again face to face for whatever reason, that I will not "dress up" that I will wear what I would wear to meet any friend of mine because I don't believe that an outfit will change his mind about me. And I don't want to look nice out of spite just to make him wish he was with me...But then the relationship and situation between he and I are completely different as he has not treated me with anything but respect and he did not toss me aside for another woman. I fear he has met someone new. I want him to be happy, but if you want the full truth, I want him to be happy WITH ME. My brain says to accept and move on, but there's a little girl in my heart that is throwing a tantrum saying, "no no no!!" So the harder I try the harder it is and the more upset I become until I am so worked up that I pace my house searching for an answer that will not come...

Such is the agony I have had over the last month. It won't be long before we will have been apart as long, and then longer than we were together and then what? There comes a point what one becomes quite pathetic. And I don't want that...

I have a friend. and her life is pure drama. Not fun drama like I tend to have on occation, (I consider the goat to be fun drama) but mega drama.

I have known her for about a year now, and I often see her making choices that will lead to more drama for her. I know she does the best that she can and in a lot of ways I am very impressed with her. But I know that there are times when she could save herself heartache if she would just think about what she is doing. But quite honestly, I no longer think I have the answers and in some cases she makes the decisions that I think I would make in her shoes. (even though I would like to pretend that I wouldn't) And maybe that is the real reason get frustrated, because I would be doing the same thing if I were her and I know that would be foolish!

So I will just keep my mouth shut, and listen, so that I am not a hippocrite. But I do get a little weary of the constant drama. I wonder if others feel the same about me...

I guess that's why I don't talk about how I check my email constantly hoping the T has written. Or talk about any of the other madness that goes through my head where he is involved, because, what good does it do but make me droll and fustrating?

BUNCO!

Previously thought of as a game for old ladies, I can tell you that this is a lot of fun. There was screaming, yealling, beer and yummy food. I like Bunco and I am looking forward to playing every month with my new bonco group. I think the oldest woman there was in her early 40's, maybe thirties, with the rest of us around or under 30. It was fun regardless and denfinately worth the $5 a month plus secret pal gift. (supposed to be under $5)It's good to be making new friends. I didn't get any Bunco's, for those of you who know what that is, but I did get to yell when other people did!

more work stuff

So my roomate, who works at my work (of course) asked me one night what I thought of his coworker K.

He seems like a nice fellow, and he isn't bad looking, but he is a coworker and he also works for my mom.

Now, when I see him, I feel embarassed. Not shy, I am not interested, but embarassed that perhaps he asked about me (not that boy roomie couldn't have been matchmaking). So when he came to my office and requested documents, I wondered why he came over instead of someone else as per usual.

Work politics sure can suck.

Am i a dog?

I seem to be shedding more than normal. This can mean one of thre things

A) I am going Bald
B) I am losing my warm winter coat for a cooler summer fur.
C) There is something wrong with me.

I'm hoping for (B).

Office Politics

Office politics are strange. They are even stranger when you have relatives working for the company. You end up having to separate your personal feelings from what you see and hear from other people you work with. You hear things at home about others that make you want to question your opinion of them. I am not going into details, of course, I just wanted to express that sometimes, I feel like I am caught in a whirlpool, not of my own issues, but rather those of the people around me. How they interact with each other. I am stuck, sometimes, between a rock and a hard place too because my job requires that I stick to a certain format and when that format is not followed by, say for a big example, my mom, it makes it especially hard to deal with.

I hope that made sense, I try not to say too much about where I work or who I work with because I have been warned that people have lost their jobs over stuff like that, and I need to be working, thanks, the soap thing has not taken off yet.

Actually, there are difficulties and poilitics there too, and there are only two of us! T warned me about this, but I trusted. Trouble is, my partner has contributed only ideas at this point. I have put up all the funds, and all the work. I sit at home at night and trim or wrap soap while she is out and about. And she is holding up the resale license process. She told me before that this was my thing, that she just wanted to help, and it was my choice to make her a partner, so how do I un-make her a partner without hurting her feelings? The business would be moving so much faster if I didn't have to wait for her. I respect that she wants to be out playing all the time (although I think she needs to be home spending more time with her dog) But I don't want to split 50/50 when I have done all the input. Plus I cannot get a bank account without her there and a partnership agreement, which we need to get done, it seems, to cover my ass...it would be so much easier to dissolve the partnership and go on by myself...

Last night

was a bad night. emotionally. I'm not going into details, you don't want to hear it. I'm hoping it's a phase of the moon thing, or maybe something to do with the changing of astrological signs or seasons or my healing sunburn (Noxema overdose? Too much aloe? no that just makes you poo if you eat it...) or something, but I am more exceptionally meloncholy last night and today than I prefer to be and I just cannot snap myself out of it.

how could i forget?

I had a massage on saturday. It was nice, but I must say the following:

I was not impressed with the Hot Stone Massage thing. I have a friend that used to massage me that would sometimes place warm stones on my back while she worked on my legs and that was just wonderful. but the rubdown with the stones? I didn't like it so much. Her actual massage technique was wonderful and well worth the money, but I couldn't wait for the rock part to be over so that I could have some more hands on stuff. The rocks were often too hot, but just as I would be ready to say something, they would cool enough to be ok.

The therapist gave me a lovely compliment which I haven't shared with anyone else because I thought I might sound braggy, but since this is my forum to brag if I choose, then I will tell you that she said the following:

That my hair felt just like cornsilk, and how it reminded her of when she was little, and living on a farm. How she and her siblings would shuck corn for her mother and pretend that the ears were dollies, with silk for hair, and my hair brought her back to that time in her life. I was flattered in so many ways, not just because my hair is soft and silky, (it is??? Thanks Pantene!!) but because I was able to help her remember happy memories, and that she was comfortable enough with me to share this. The last was the most flattering of all. I could have sat with her and chatted all day, but I had to go because my ride was leaving. I like it when people tell me thier happy childhood memories. I got the feeling her childhood was not easy, which means that even the smallest happy memory is precious.

'nuff said...

sometimes, the big boss man cracks me up. can't really explain it this time, it's just too strange for words, but he cracks me up.

May have found a home for the goat.

Update from Gina, The human toast

Palm Springs was lovely. There are no sordid stories, although one of the girls did score a phone number. But it wasn't me. Thats ok, I didn't want any numbers. Plus I overindulged in everything and got sick. It's good to be home.

Cody learned how to climb up onto the gable under my bedroom window. My strange moment for yesterday was the part where his face was pressed up against the window looking in . Well, that and the part where girl roomie's grandpa tickled me.

I called step dad to wish him a happy father's day for the first time that I can remember. I think we both thought it was strange. I miss my father, what what can you do?

Things are patched up between me and family property purchasing cousin.

Cody woke me at 5:30 (at least it is light out now!) because he wanted attention. I think girl roomie is finally getting sick of the whole thing.

Wish for your sake that my weekend was more enventful, but I'm glad for mine that it wasn't.

if..

your boss came up behind you reached out his hand and said, "Here, smell this" would you recoil with a "no way!" or dutifully take a whiff?

yeah. Me too. I asked him what he expected me to do when he asked me to smell his finger, and we both had a good laugh. He was actually offering me the leaves from a plant to sample.

Spudly

I've gone nuts over the idea of having all the possible Mr Potato Head accessories. It's sick, I know, but being as there are three potato heads currently on my mantle, I think it would be fun to dress them seasonally. Except the Darth Tater he is eternal. However, I have to go to Disneyland to get the most fun stuff (I'm not into the alien or jungle ones you can get from Hasbro) and I let my pass expire. I suppose it could be worse. I could have to travel cross country. And I can order some stuff through the website, but I am feeing frugal lately. which is a good thing.Which is also why I let my pass expire.

MEANWHILE, the following is a semi intelligent quote that came out of my mouth this morning:

"It's unfortunate when poilitics gets in the way of common sense. But I guess that's the political way."

I suppose I should continue by noting that if politicians did what was sensible and not what would best line their pockets, we might be slightly better off as a society.

hmm.

See a penny, pick it up...

Does this count when the penny in question is next to a public toilet? I think that when the penny is somewhere gross, you get a by on the bad luck rule, even if it's on heads.

Wednesday fun

every week I try to send something interesting to my friends so that they know I am still alive and they can have a smile. Often, it's a sound bite, but since I found out that not everyone can hear those, I try to send other stuff too. Sometimes it's website wackiness like virtual bubblewrap or the drunk guy. I like the drink guy. he yodels. So this week, I sent the following message.

Today's Wednesday fun is brought to you by:

Gina's brain. Prepare to be somewhat baffled by the depth of my thought process.


So I was reading an article on the Terry Schivo autopsy today, and I came up with the following figure based on a statistic I saw there.

Your brain (if it is average size) weighs about the same as 12 boxes regular size paperclips.

I guess that would give or take a few depending on if you are brain damaged. Or a fat head. If you stick paperclips to your head, you will not get smarter. But you will be more magnetic. ok. Time to go.


My sister threatened to send me to to loony bin. I'm not sure why I think of every weight in terms of paperclips. maybe it's because they are the only item I know the weight of...(about 1 gram)

Meanwhile, I went to the county fair with girl roomie last night. we had lots of fun. We talked to the guy at the petting corral (I really wanted to pet the camel. but not it's toes...) and he said our goat needs another goat to keep him company. I said no. I think girl roomie is still holding out to keep Cody. He's cute (even though he woke me at 1 this morning eating and sneezing outside my window) but even if it were not for the noise and poo on the porch, we know we have to move in about 6 months, if I can't afford to buy us a home, we will have to rent. It's already going to be hard to find a place for us and the dog, and probably boy roomie, (people are easy to find homes for, but it can be difficult in my area to find a three bedroom rental we can afford)somehow I doubt we'll have an easy time finding a home that will allow a goat. Plus, with a farm animal, we are very restricted with where we can look. WE can't go too much further into the country because girl roomie works far away. Plus I like to be within 10 minutes of the mall. I think I have said this before...If so, sorry for being repetitive.

Coworker J, yeah, that one. Said I look nice today. and yesterday. and the day before...I thanked him for thinking so, but I can't help thinking every time I see him, that I can't believe I liked him so much. And it helps me to keep in perspective that it is still exceptionally smart to go with my first impressions of people.

On a happier note, I have soap! Email me with your address if you would like a sample, supplies are limited. the Lavender is ready. The olive oil will be ready soon. Oh boy!

Important Questions

Here are a couple of very important questions that the big boss posed to me this morning:

If you took all the boats currently in the ocean, out of the ocean, would the water level go down?

If all the people in the world peed in the ocean all at once, would the water level go up? (I don't Know, but we'd likely kill all the fish...)

I kept myself from asking, If everyone all turned the same direction and farted...

Dear Paris

I read today that you are planning to retire from the public life, as you are tired of all the partying, etc. Now, I realize we are not playing cards, but let me be the first to yell, "Bull Shit". You're bluffing.
Why, you ask, am I being so mean to you? Because you are an attention whore. And attention whores never retire from the public life because they aren't valid without their adoring fans.
But here is the sad part. Like Brit, you will try a fade away. But the moment that your new billionaire boy ceases to amuse you, or stops making you feel like a valid person (news flash, validitity comes from within, trust me)you'll be trying to get back into the spotlight. Except now you won't be so interesting. We'll have moved on to the next talentless strumpet. Little girls will be idolizing some other glorified clothes hanger with a ridiculous dog.
You may say, But I want to be a Mom. And that, my dear, is the most underappriciated, most important job in the whole world. I wouldn't want to try to discourage you from that, because you may be a wonderful mom. But do me a favor, let the kid have it's own identity. Take it from a girl who's constantly mistaken for her mother, come up with something more interesting than Paris. Two in one family is enough.
I had a lot more terrible things to say. But I'm not going to.

The goat did not wake me at 5 am this morning.

My boss is hilarious. he also declared me "God". in a very indirect way. But nevertheless.

Otherwise, I'm a bit "down" today for reasons I will not discuss, but I think Jen would understand since we share a brain.

This one is graphic. BEWARE

Sigh.

I'm not sure what exactly a woman has to do, or not do (shower?) to leave a lingering odor in the bathroom that is not poo. But apparently, I am at least the second person to enter the stall after someone else left, and it still made me gag. I mean, I've HEARD about this but...

At peace with High School

My reunion went wonderful. Well, it got better after I had a couple of margaritas and didn't care that I didn't know a lot of the people there. But happily, I spoke with several people who knew of me then, and that is enough for me. I was not popular, although I wanted to be. And I will be the first to admit that my quest for poularity may have caused me to be a bit snobby towards a possibility of a firendship with the more colorful and interesting people. You know, the people I am getting to know now. However, I did get to talk with a couple of people who I would have liked to have knows becasue I knew people who thought they were great. the twins said I was beautiful (flattery will get you everywhere) and another person said he had thought I was cute. (we talked and boogied the rest of the evening. He thanked me for a good time)All in all, I am happy to have been remembered, and in a positive light, I had a great time and didn't make an idiot out of myself by drinking too many margaritas. T would not have had such a good time, even if we were still together, so I am glad for his sake that he did not go.

I decreed this weekend that we would be sending the goat to a new home this week.

Got some good time in with the girls yesterday. I sure do like them.

Had another epiphany Saturday. Instead of asking myself what others would do in my place, I am going to start asking myself, in moments of doubt, what I would do if I was not so insecure. Then, I am going to do it. Because that is the real me, and I miss her.

lookin in the mirror

I don't know if I mentioned it, but my thighs have not been looking so huge lately. If I have mentioned it, well, let me brag a bit, dammit!

Counseling went well. It's so strange telling a stranger all my deep dark secrets. not that they are really that deep or dark, I wear my heat on my sleeve. but I felt better for it, and i think I have been onthe right track. She does want to see me every wekk though. yuck. I'm thinking every other week would be better for me and my wallet. She asked if I thought I had ADD, and I told her that the internet says I do, but I don't want to diagnose myself from the internet. After all, the internet also says that I am at a high risk for diabetes, but it doesn't take into account that I am built like an ox. Also that if I don't pass along this chain letter I will have bad luck forever. I don't know, whatever. I will be continuing my counseling.

The goat is finally drinking from a bowl! yay! now if he would just stop screaming for attention all morning, we might be getting somewhere. if he would be content to be in his pen, at least when we are not in the yard, I might even want to keep him.

I bowled a 99 last night. well, that was my best score. I can't remember my worst.

Latest batch of soap is very hard and may not be any good. Girl roomie has agreed to be the guniea pig when it is ready. We don't test on animals you know. Just each other.

Stolen from julie

This is kinda fun.

X = have done

() snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city (i don't get east west...etc...)
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides Canada (TJ Counts, Right?)
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight (Sort of, they didn't fight back...)
() been arrested
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (water?)
() pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino (Um...I work at one...)
( ) been skydiving
() skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist (I'm pretending tonights appointment has already occurred)
() done the splits (my legs don't seem to stretch that way. poor me..)
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (sick)
(x) bitten someone (I have a sticker on my car that says, "I leave bite marks". what do ya think?)
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex (meant for the cheek, she turned)
( ) crashed into a friend's car (define "crashed")
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted (I will feel eternally guilty that someone bought an incomplete box of bandaids)
(x) been fired
() had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker (bad idea)
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar (at least I don't think so...)
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten sushi (yuck)
(x) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university(Does trade school count?)
(x) graduated college/university(same)
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself (stupid teenage stuff. nothing that scarred. Thank god!)
(x) taken painkillers (does asprin count??)
( ) been intimate with someone of the same gender

Oh no!

Mind you I'm flattered. But my neighbor asked me out on a date last night, and I am just not interested. He's a nice enough guy, not bad looking, I suppose, but I am not attracted to him. at all. plus he has three young children. The eldest is going into first grade next year. Plus he chews tobacco and every time he smiles at me I can see bits of black stuff in his teeth and it grosses me out. Plus I am still not ready to date, although I am starting to warm up to the idea.

Unexpected Healing

Last year, when I was in Hawaii, I took a friends advice and hiked the Healing Grounds. This is a place on Oahu, I can't remember why it is the healing grounds, although there was supposed to b some sort of medicinal herb garden display or something. (I didn't find it)
Regardless, I went to the healing grounds alone one fine day and hiked the 4.5 mile loop. It was lovely, although I think it would be better to take a hiking buddy on all hikes, this one had some sheer drop offs on both sides sometimes, and if I had fallen, I would have been gone forever.
So I made a comment the other day about having been to the healing grounds but I wasn't healed, I only lost an earring.
What I realized this morning, was that in losing that earring, I was forced to take the pair out of my rotation. Why does this matter? Because the earrings were a gift from C, who had just ended our relationship. In fact, he was supposed to be in Hawaii too. If every time I wore those earrings, I thought of him, then it would have taken that much longer for me to work through my pain.
And so I was healed, if only a little. It just took me a year to see it.

Tarot and Gophers

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

Apparently, this is me. I probably should have read it more carefully. hmm.

So there was a gopher incident.

Monday night Girl Roomie and I were watching the most recent of Peter Pan movies but not Finding Neverland which I still have not seen. Shush, I haven't seen the most recent Star Wars either. Suddenly, the Molly Monkey starts barking like crazy. We tried ignoring her, but she kept it up. We found a flashlight and a very excited dog outside. (thrilled to pieces is more like it) Mighty Huntress that she is, she caught a gopher. I don't know how since she didn't dig up the yard and gophers are quick little f-ers (um, hello, Caddyshack??)

So, the gopher is alive, but not moving, so we did the nice thing and brought her inside via frisbee-stretcher, found her a box and put her in it. How do you know it's a she? well, first of all, if you have ever seen a male rodent, it's quite obvious that they are male. Also, I put on my rubber glove and gently examined her for puncture wounds etc. Not really bleeding, but not moving on her own (she just twitched) the determination was made that she was broken and that we should really put her out of her misery. But with what? Neither of us is the kind of person who could violently kill something, even in mercy, and we decided that anything we mixed up to gas it, even on a cotton ball would likely kill us too, or my lovely Baby who has delicate lungs. (ammonia and bleach were our first thought) or worse, whould not kill her, but make her suffer more.

The box was left in the kitchen with a sign that said, "Poor Gopher. Euthanasia?" Tuesday morning she was alive but still not mobile. (waste system working well) Same for the afternoon. I had asked my boss what the best way to deal was, knowing my pest control friend would tell me to step on her or something. or laugh at me, I'm not sure.

When boy roomie came home, and after the neighborhood kids were done wandering the streets, we put boss's plan into action. we cut a hole in the box and slid it onto boy roomie's tailpipe (on his truck!!) since his is the oldest of the three vehicals and apparently barely passed smog last year. Within a few moments, the little gopher was sent off to rejoin the universal conciousness, and I think I am forever changed for having had to make the choice to end the suffering of another being. I'm glad we were able to find a gentle although warm solution.

Here is my disclaimer. I do not support cruelty to animals. I do not support putting them to death unnessisarily, as is indicated by the fact that I have gophers in the first place. I think they have every right to coexist on the planet as we do. I will not be responsible for anyone using carbon monoxide to harm themselves or others. This blog is for me to share myself and my experiences. It is not intended to teach methods that harm.

So reading the Blog of my dear Sargini (http://astrocounseling.blogspot.com/) really got me thinking about who I would be astrologically compatible with. According to the vaarious websites I checked, I need to be with a Cancer, Saggitarius, or a Capricorn in western astrology, and a Rooster or Ox in Chinese. Now, when I was younger, I tended to ignore the descriptions of astrology (western at least as that was what I was raised on) but as I have aged, I find myself falling more and more under the catagory of the typical Virgo. So I thought, hey, why not?
Am I going to go around asking people what thier sign is? No. I am still not ready to re enter the dating world. My heart still hurts. A lot. But it would be interesting to see if the universe chooses to gift me with someone special and if that someone special happens to fall under one of those catagories.
I will admit that I had hoped that the mighty astrologers would tell me I was most compatible with a Cancer Tiger, but apparently, Tigers and Snakes are very low on the compatibility chart. Damn.
Ooh. Bad news. I had to look...E is a Saggitarius Rooster. I should learn to leave well enough alone.
I think I would do well with finding myself an Ox. When I am ready of course. But I trust the universe to send me the right person when it is time.

I am rebelling against titles today

I have decided that it is ok for me to admit out loud that I want to get married someday. This was a big step because I declared sometime around 7th grade that I was never getting married, not having children and I wouldn't have a car, I would ride my bike to work every day to help cut pollution.
Since I drive a car to work every day, I broke one rule a long time agao, but in my experiences, I, well, you know about the kid thing, and well, I just have figured that I would never find anyone suitable to marry. Being as I hve that attitude, what do I expect? so I am declaring it to the world that I would like to get married someday. I'm going to stop using the word "If" when referring to my future nuptuals.

Ha Ha!

hee hee. someone found me by searching "Pee Next Stall" sick, I know. but I think it's funny!

Some where over the weekend

It was pretty good actually. I was busy all day on Saturday, and managed to take some well earned time (like an hour or two) to relax on Sunday. I am looking forward to doing very little this evening, like knitting or making soap which I have not done in two weeks or so because I have been so busy taking care of everything, especially the goat.

The goat, woke me at 5 this morning. I really feel strongly that we need to find him a new home. I realize that coming to this conclusion after a week may be premature in some cases, but when I went ouside this morning in my robe and slippers, my neighbor's light was on, and we really need to consider the affect this is having on them. I could get used to getting up and dealing with these things, but I think it is unfair to ask the neighborhood to do the same. of course the neighbors with the roosters don't seem to care that I am awakened at 3 am by them, but I cannot control the neighbors, only myself. Unfortunately, every time I bring this up to girl roomie, she just looks upset and makes no move to make a decision about it. she's hardly home so I get frustrated. But otherwise, I think she's lovely.

On the happy side, I looked in the mirror today and came to the conclusion that although the current styles of pants do not fit, my thighs are not as big as I though they were.

Quote from this weekend:

"Every group has it's person who is different and wacky. I think we're it" (while wearing a glamerous head scarf and butterfly sunglasses)

By the way, I am still angry with Pot Friend. He was at dinner last night and upon seeing us in our get up, he came out and said he didn't want to hear us complain about being single ever again. I told him to fuck off and that I didn't want to hear him complain either. I try not to judge (although really, I do anyway) but he would be much better looking if he would lose 1 or 2 hundred pounds (maybe 3??) and have a better, more positive attitude. He would find and easier time hooking up with the type of woman he tends to be attracted to. Afterall, it's chemical, we have to be attracted to our potential mate. I'm not saying he wouldn't find someone who would love him for exactly who he is, and I hope he does, but he would meet morer women who are initially interested in him if he had more to offer than a snuggly hug and high chance of heart attack.
AND frankly, the man I would like to be with is as silly as me. Or at least appriciate my unique personality (here's where I get nostalgic) T used to sing and dance in the car and sometimes at home, and I thought that was just the greatest thing ever. He did tell me he wouldn't be seen in public with me and the butterfly glasses, but since I didn't really think he would, I didn't mind. (end nostalgia) But PF, is also angry with me, which is fine, I don't really care, because I get angry all over again when he is near or I think about it. He can just kiss my sparkly scarfed ass.

So I was re reading some old emails, and I came across one that I thought I had saved, but I wasn't really sure. It was from my step dad.

When I received it in 2001, I took it as, as close to an apology for the ugliness between us that I would ever get. I had a bumpy childhood (thanks for the term, Callie, it's perfect) and much of it I heap on his shoulders.

In my richeousness, it is easy for me to tell myself I don't lay blame, but the truth is, I do.

When I read the email today, I got a different message from it. I saw a message from a man who is sad for the way things turned out between us. A man who is sad that I tend to forget that he did good things for me too. So following is a list, the first one I have ever made, not of the injustices I felt from him, but of the ways he tried to show me that he loved me.

Christmas. Now, I know that gifts do not equal love, but when you're a kid, they do. And every winter holiday we had the most marvelous display. And I don't remember a time when I didn't get what I asked for. A skateboard. A bike. (I didn't ask for the bike, but it sure was cool! And I sure did use the heck out of it!) An Electric Train Set (I still have it). Even now, he and his wife make sure that I am indulged with whatever I happen to be into. Knitting. Scrapbooking. Everything. It's his chance to treat and spoil. How did I over look that?

He used to let me play with his guitar if it was out. I still don't play well, but to let a 6 year old strum your instrument takes love. I don't think I would let a kid touch my guitar.

He took me out and bought me a flute when I expressed an interest in band.

He gifted me with flowers, candy, and an American Flag when I won the Presidential academic Physical Fitness Award.

He helped me once, build a wooden race car.

There was that time we went to the Desert just he and I. And I felt so spoiled and special because I got a new kite and a water cannon for Easter that year.

I'm sure I could list all day if I really thought about it. So for the first time, I will say, he did the best he could. In realizing this, perhaps I could learn to forgive him someday. I hope that when I do, it will not be too late. After all, it took 4 years for me to re read that email. I think it's time for me to stop being bitter about my childhood. To put the uglies away and focus on the lovelies. They're there, I just have to stop allowing the curtain of anger blot them out.

maybe he's not so bad...

since the goat didn't make any noise last night, and didn't start bawling until 6 this morning, maybe he's not so bad. but I am still thinking that a goat (as is the dog) is more than I can (want to) handle. although, I did go out there and play with the dog a bit yesterday, which was kinda nice because she got some needed exercize (poor thing was winded after three fetches, and I DON'T throw far) and I got some fresh air.

BTW, I cooked myself dinner two, no THREE nights in a row. and it was all edible! actually, it tasted good. you can't really screw up pita bread pizza, but the ground beef could have been a lot worse!

I feel as though I am headed back down the path to self sufficiency. I branched off several years ago when I discovered that I am lazy and men like to do stuff for us poor helpless womenfolk. I didn't realize how much of my personal power I let go of when D moved in and taught me that it's easier and quicker to eat out, and here, let me take care of that oil change for you. Somewhere along the way, I didn't bother to recoup my losses. I think I would like to have my life firmly in hand again before I try dating anyone. Not that I have had any offers, of course.

I still have human foosball left (tore me up last year) but I have to say, the survivor mountain left a mark. and I still didn't win. I really am a marshmellow.

I tired to climb the inflateable mountain and failed. they should have a short person version.

Saddle Sore

I'm a bit sore from riding the bull yesterday. I may have to do it again today. We'll see. At least I dressed appropriately today!

The fucking goat kept me up all night. at least I got him to stay in his pen. at least he wasn't really fucking. gross. giving him back IS an option. YAY!!! Later today I will compile a list of why human kids are better than goat kids. I have declared this part of my personal therapy.

there was something else but I forgot what it was.

I went, I saw, I rode the bull.

http://www.funservicesinc.com/images/thumbnails/Bungeebull.jpg

I am woman

Yes, I am a woman now. Why you ask? because I changed my flat tire yesterday all by myself. Well, it wasn't flat, but there was a bolt in it. (with some coaching from a woman who used to teach women to change thier tires, who happened along just when I needed her) Now, I'm not going to try to pretend like I didn't try to find someone to do the job for me, I did. but I realized that unless I wanted to sit in that parking lot all day, I'd best get to it. And I'm damn proud.

Got home and the dog was missing. (we found her) Don't know how she got out.

The goat won't stay in his pen. I swear he's got springs in his feet. I agree with my step dad. we've gotta get rid of that goat! He jumped a 7 ft fence! I know there is a lesson there, but I have not figured it out yet.

Today, although I arrived in a suit, I am changed into coveralls for the employee games, which I didn't know I would be participating in. My pumps look really great with the coveralls. (not overalls, mind you, COVERALLS. think mechanic wear. add black 1" heels with little bows on the front. SEXY.) and I wonder why I don't go on more dates. (when I'm ready, which I'm not)

Where does my time go?

I'm looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, and oh my goodness, I don't have any free time until mid...July. Not because i have a lot going on personally, but because everyone else wants me to participate.
this week I:

Tonight must help fix fence so goat will stay in pen
Tomorrow Have a hair appointment. Need a trim and highlight, won't get home till 7ish
Thursday Have a nail appointment
Friday I think I am free...

Yesterday I knew I had to:
Sat.:
Go to a meeting for the reunion
Go to my sister's Shower (yes, another one)
Want to go to friend's birthday BBQ
Sun.:
Dinner
Now:
(Saturday)
Will drop off ceterpieces for reunion meeting, not attending meeting
Pick Up friend from airport
Sister's Shower
Skip Friend's bbq to attend Sister's birthday dinner
(Sunday)
Go with friend to pick up anaversary cake and wedding album
Pick up friend's husband (also friend)
Drop her off at friend's house for baby shower which I will not attend so that I can have a bit of peace
Dinner
Dessert at another friend's house

Whirlwind week, then thursday I have my Appointment, friday, scrapbooking club and friend wants to have a party at my place, which will work if it's not a wild and crazy bash which my house is not suited for anyway
Reunion Saturday
Am I taking friends back to airport Sunday?

Next weekend: Bachelorette party in Palm Springs

Next weekend: 1 week till wedding

Wedding

then a trip to Vegas, which I might back out of now because I really need a rest more than I need to go party in Vegas. I am feeling very stressed out. what I want to do is yell STOP! and NO! I don't want to follow your scedule. No one asked me if I wanted to be busy. Sure wedding stuff and all, I've been expecting that for a long time. And you all might liek to be busy, but I am tired of being so busy that I am not enjoying my life because none of it is for me.

I would ask what Candy would do, but she was busy all the time too. but I think she liked it. She never got cranky with too much to do. At least that I saw...

Christian Slater

Apparently this actor who many of you likely pasted on your wall during the 80's and early 90's...well, if you are a hetero girl...or a gay guy...(I didn't, I was more into astronomy than boys. ah, the good old days.) is in jail for inappropriately groping a woman in New York.

I have never been to New York, but the streets look pretty crowded. How many times have I been in a crowded place and accidentally touched someone's butt? Now, I wasn't there, but unless there was some serious grabbing going on, isn't it possible that Mr Slater didn't even realize that he had touched this woman's butt, or, isn't it possible that he did realize it, but was embarassed, snatched his hand away, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to be recognized? isn't it possible that this could have happened to any of us?

Now, generally, if I think I have touched a strange butt, I will do one of two things. I will ask the person if I have just touched thier butt, or, I will whisper to a friend that I touched a strange butt. the exception to this being last year's bachelorette party when I asked if I could grab a handful to see which of two hot guys had the better butt, so I could award a sticker. But that was different, really.

If I touch a familliar non boy friend butt, a joke is usually made about butt touching in general.

When I am randomly groped in public, I generally look around and then smile at the offending 4 year old, and make jokes with the corresponding parents.

So I think I might be siding with Mr Slater on this one when I say, gee, it was likely an accident. Leave him alone. Unless of course I hear otherwise from our amazing american news sources who, rather than reporting on the state of the world in Indonesia, they tell me all about some lady's butt grabbing incedent.

BTW, I managed to say "Butt" 10 times in this post. hmm.

oops forgot

I made soap! it was the highlight of my weekend. I have a bar already on reserve for a friend when it's done in three weeks. (it has to cure) Tonight I will get strated on batch two which will be a pure olive oil soap. Hooray for inventory! I now have two (Two!!) products available for sale. (I have still been knitting wash cloths like crazy. I think I have 5 in stock. I didn't say I am a fast knitter)

I bought a book on how to make liquid soaps and gels, but it was so complicated and there were so many chemicals involved, I think I abandoned that idea.

Crazy Weekend.

Friday I left work early because I felt like it. T emailed me, friendly, but not too. I invited him to the BBQ, but he didn't go. I was a bit dissapointed although I know it is better that way.

Saturday we did this n that getting ready for the BBQ on Sunday. Sat. night I went to a party for a friend. She lives with ex, C. (she rents a room) He was there, everything was friendly. we talked a bit. he never recieved my letter. He came to the BBQ on Sunday. It was a lttle strange becasue even though we were together for almost two years, he still does not know my friends. I should have seen that as an indicator, but I ignored it.

Sunday our goat and dog arrived. Love the dog, goat drives me nuts. he jumps out of his pen. he cries for no reason. at 6am. he tries to come in the house, pooping all the way. The BBQ went well.

Monday I attended the memorial services for my friend who passed away in April. It was tough. I learned that everyone loved her as I did, and that her husband is as beautiful of a person as she was.

My house is still a mess from the party. I'm a little pissy about that. I clean the day after my parties, even if it means I will miss out on some fun elsewhere. But then, I am a bit cranky because the pets kept me up last night.

The dog was barking at something, which is good, she's a good guard dog. but that woke the goat (3 am) and certainly didn't quiet down the neighborhood roosters which have kept me up every night for the past several weeks. the goat started screaming at 6 this morning. good thing I was supposed to be up anyway.

Last night I bowled a 107. This is an accomplishment for me. It was better than my first game which was a 74, about average for me. Perhaps if I purchased my own ball, I would be a better bowler. You see, I cannot bowl with anything heavier than an 8 lb ball because of my back. (I have turned into a weakling!!) All the light balls have itty bitty finger holes. you know, for kids. my fingers get stuck. I catch my fingernails. it's not pretty. Also, I bowl wrong, right handed with my right foot out front. I tried the other way, it screwed up my score. Couldn't do it. oh well. It's not like I'm on a league or anything.

I had to behave myself when Barry was powdering his ball...I bowl with my parents and thier friends. Conservative Morman friends. Making ball powdering jokes would only have embarassed us both.

Had a discussion about E because my step brother's lovely girlfriend dated him too. And she works with him still. Apparently he is constantly trying to get her into the stock room. Hello? Sexual Harassment!! Apparently he really liked me. He had been referring to me as his girlfriend. I didn't know I was his girlfriend, so was it still cheating? I am still sorry that it didn't work out between us, I still feel as though I made the right choice in choosing T.

oh for joy!

I actually had 4 returning visitors. not today, but recently.

What can I say, I appriciate the little goals.

Meanwhile, search words that brought people here:

Colin Firth
Saddam Houssein in underwear
ginamonster
when I cry puffy red.

not nearly as exciting as Callie's spinsteriffic Nancy Drew one, but hey, a few people are actually reading, right?

By the way, Callie, if you are reading this, I would like you to know that I aspire to lure you away from your Lush habit and into my Bubbly Creations. Except that I don't have money for supplies right now. but I will. and when I do, I'm taking over the bathtime world. One bar of soap at a time. Look out.

In case you are wondering how the business is going, it isn't at the moment, but I did take a class on Sunday on cold process soap making and I fully intend to go to the thrift store and look at a few supplies I could buy used but have been getting new. I need to make a list, actually. BUT, as soon as I have a proper soap mold, watch out. Oh, and money for advertising. crap. there's a lot of stuff I need. Too bad I am very much opposed to going into debt this way. not that I'm not in debt, I just won't do it for business.

Actually, I am trying to climb out of it. I have to figure out what is more important, low debt, or a down payment. I don't have much time to think about it...

Please add

Tobey Keith to my Top 10 (8) list in the number 4 spot. Move Ryan Reynolds up to number 5, and gentlemen, flattery gets you everywhere with me, so you really need to work harder at moving up my list. And Orlando, any of the top 4 gentlemen you are outranking could easily overcome you these days, so I'm thinking if you drop by my place and maybe take me out to dinner and tell me I'm pretty, you can keep your #1 spot indefinately.

Realizations

Of course, now that I have made the appointment and comitted to going to counseling, I am trying to fix myself so that after one session, she will tell me that she can't help me other than to say that all of my feelings are valid.
In the mean time, yesterday, I came to the following conclusion.

I don't want to be my mother. I love her, I respect her, and she has some really great qualities. But I don't want to be her. Here is why this is an issue with me.

All my life, I have been comapared to her. When I was young, people constantly remarked on how much we look alike. My step dad distainfully called us "clones". In some ways, I am named after her. We share some qualities, as all mothers and daughters do. All my life I have disliked it. And yet people still feel the need to make comparisons. As I have grown older, I feel as though the differences are more pronounced. She's a thin size 6, I'm a curvy 10. My face is rounder. My eyes practically dissapear when I smile. She would often say, when comparisons were being made, "I know you hate looking like me" and while I tended to mumble something about "no I don't", I know it's because I felt guilty for not wanting to be like her. I always thought my sister was lucky, because although they used to tell her she looked like our dad, they never said she was just like him.
I think she wants me to be just like her. This has become more evident as I get older. She is constantly making comparisons between us. I don't see it. Yes, we share some similar struggles. But they are human struggles that most people go through. Despite what she sees as parallels in our lives, by the time she was my age, she had two children and was newly wedded to her second husband. Totally different.
She tells me that I will meet Mr Right For Always someday, after all, look how long it took her to find him? But I don't want to be alone until I am 50. I know I am rapidly heading for that, but I would like to think that I won't. It may be true that we have dated similar men, but really, I don't think so.
I have never dated a klepto. I have never been with a man who hits me. I have never dated a drug addict or an alchoholic.
Sure, I am not going to say that the men I have dated have been without issues, most of them had BIG issues, and there are reasons we are not together now, whether it was my choice at the time or not.
The list goes on.
We all need someone to identify with. We all want someone to be just like us, and I do find myself making comparisons between my life and others when they come to me for a chat. This is something that I need to consider changing. Empathy is one thing, but every situation is different.
I guess I still feel guilty for not wanting to be my mom. I should feel proud to be compared to her, as I feel proud to be compared to her grandmother, although it's a "you remind me of her" kind of thing, not, "you are just like", so it's different.
I guess what it all comes down to is that all my life, people have been trying to make me into mini-she, when all I really want to be is me.

Why I love Oprah

I don't watch the show but...

Oprah is an inspiration. I don't thnk anyone would argue with that. But the real reason I love Oprah today is:

She's got more money than God (duh, what does God need money for???) and she doesn't just spend it because she can (ahem, Jessica) She shares it, and while she's sharing it, she enjoys it, and if, someday I have a rediculous amount of money, I hope I have her giving attitude and her sense of spirit. only, change it so it's mine. She is a true role model for all of us. Thank you Oprah!

Dear Britney

I realize that you are under the impression that you are hot shit. I also realize that there are those who will always think you are wonderful, talented, smart, beautiful.
However your announcement over the last couple of days regarding the fact that you will no longer be "keeping yourself up" now that you are married has got to be the most idiotic thing I have heard all day.
don't you realize that this is false advertising? you can't just let yourself go to shit because you are married. You stop being the woman he married, and that makes you a walking false advertisement. I could have you incarcerated or fined for that. (hey, now there's an idea...)
don't you realize that as you get older, it becomes more difficult to take off the weight, and when you get tired of being a stay at home mommy (not a whole lot of attention there for an attention whore) no one wants to see your fat, big mac ass jiggling all over the stage.
Don't you realize that you got to where you are, not on your talent, but on your looks, some good management (ahem, Disney) low cut shirts and um, yeah, that's all I can think of.
I will be the first to admit that you are welthier than I, and that you have done something with your singing career, unlike me. But are you really so full of yourself that you think you can turn into Jabba the Hut and still have a career in this town? No way lady. We are a society (sadly) obsessed with skinny. For some reason we think anorexic if lovely, until you get to Lindsay and Nicole proportions, then it's Shcok! has she gone too far???
Please, do us all a favor (yourself included) keep up the dancing, lay off the Starbucks for awhile, and quit being so damn airheaded.

Thank you. This has been a rant.

This day last year

I was in Hawaii.
I think I went snorkleing
I was getting over C

Other than the Hawaii thing, I must say that in perspective, I'm doing better this year than I was last. After all, I'm not living with my mom, right?

Enough!

Enough is enough! I'm done being mopey. Thanks to Sargini who reminded me that Mopey Gina isn't nearly as much fun as hot young singleton Gina AND since I have decided to take the next couple of indefinate amounts of time to work on me and who I am and getting over some lingering issues, I'm not even worried about finding anyone new. In fact, for reasons too lengthy to detail here (what?) I'm not even worried about any kind of possible future reconsillyation with T.
AND thanks to Bridgette Jones for reminding me not to be a fuckwit.
All hail a new era of um, I don't know, but it's a new era anyway, fresh and clean. ha!
Boing! (that's the sound of me bouncing back. it usually follows, "flip" which is the sound of my life being turned over)

And by the way, since watching Bridgette last night, I must say that Colin Firth and Peter Krause are now in a very wicked, very sexy fight over the #2 spot on my top 7 list. Me-ow. I think I'll just let them fight a bit, as long as there are no bruises, of course. yum

toilet alert

The middle toilet was replaced recently. The suction is now such that I do not recommend sitting and flushing unless you want butt hickies. If I dissapear, please check the STP plant.