ahhh

He is the man I think he is. He agrees that I need counseling. he was suprised by my email, but I think handled it well. He thinks I need to deal with my father issues too, and I agree. it's a relief, really, it's not often that a person lives up to your expectations.

today

I had a nice, uneventful weekend.

I had an epiphany. That I am afraid to have kids and have allowed my fear to rule me for a long time. I don't know if that means I will have kids, but at least I am facing what I realize is my biggest fear.

I sent T an email to this effect and thanked him for making a positive impact on my life. there is new mail in my box, I am afraid to look. I know that being a coward never got anyone anywhere. but I was already putting myself out there by sending the email.

I guess if he's the man I tink he is, I have nothing to fear, and if he isn't, then I am better off without him.

We hold these truths to be self evident

That apparently I am not that interesting because no one comes to visit anymore. either that, or my stat counter stopped working.

That I need to learn to be really, honestly, single again. I don't really want to, but if it is true that I have become one of those women who won't be single, then I do want to because I don't want to be like that.

Still miss T (what do you think? it's been less than a week!). Don't think he will call again. I knew I looked forward to his emails all day, but I didn't realise hown much until they stopped.

I may keep selling stuff on craigslist.com JUST so my email is not empty and I don't feel like a loser. Maybe if I include my blog on my postings, I can up my visits here too. That's really sad...

I must be more pathetic than I thought I was.

I just got apricot all over the front of me.

I don't know if I like cats anymore. I like some cats. But I have come to view them the same way I see children and dogs. loud, pukey, poopy, and messy. I like to visit with them but I don't know that I want any of my own. Luckey Spinster may have her upstairs kitty, but I had worse, I think. Two cats, outside my window last night at 3am yowling. tried to make noise from my bed to scare them away, but they would start up again as soon as I fell back to sleep. after 45 minutes, I put on my tennies and bathrobe, filled a bucket of water and tried to douse whichever one ran by. it worked. Buy by this time it was 4 am and I was CRANKY! I was ready to send a nastygram to all my neighbors telling them to keep thier cats in. I'm sick of them pooping in my yard too (the phantom poo was way too big to be cat). I really think I want to get a bb gun. or pellet gun. arcsoft, whatever it takes to keep them away. I am not a mean person, except at 3am when I am having a perfectly good dream and the alarm is due to go off at 5:30. When I had cats, I kept them in. all the time. My mom brings her's in every night. My boss says that all I can do is humanely trap them. but then what am I supposed to do with them? I don't want anyone to lose their kitty, but I find it ver impolite to ask me to listed to them all night. argh!

guess that's all for now.

why?

Why do people join the military if they are not willing to go to war? The American military is volentary. If you don't want to kill people, don't go. I didn't join, I never went to war. I knew if I joined, I would likely go to war. or be asked to do things I didn't want to do. people would yell at me and force me to make my bed and iron my clothes. No thanks. I mean, the landlord yelled at me yesterday, and I make my bed almost every day now, but...
If I was drafted, I'd go, but thankfully we don't do that anymore. If you join the military, you need to understadn that it is your job to do whatever the government tells you to do, even if you don't agree with it. Desserting makes look like an ass, and it definately makes you a traitor, so please, potential desserters, accept responsibility for the monumentous decision you made and finish your term. Canada should not have to spend it's resources figuring out what to do with you.

the long and short of it

landlord came over (unannounced) toured the house. complained about how I threw away all the stuff they left behind (not much of a thanks for saving her pictures). Complained about the weeds and the dry grass. didn't seem to care that we water every night, I pulled a bin full on friday, and that we live in a coastal desert. no one has a green lawn. hasn't she seen "a cinderella story"?
As she was leaving she pulled the we want you out in 2-3 months "question" out of her pocked. We told her no, we stuck to our guns. I said shit. She didn't care that my back has not healed from moving the last time. She doesn't understand that it is my house for the next 9 months. She things she can come over whenever she want. after she left, screaming about how we called her names,(no we didn't) I called my lawyer, (yup, ah, I have a lawyer on retention. I'm glad my sister has good taste in men) then I called the sheriff who took a statement. oy.
We finally got her husband to put a stop to it (we hope) and we can continue to live there until the lease is up. Meanwhile, frugal Gina has to figure out how she is gong to save for a down payment because I really don't want to have to rent again. oy.
I hear she proceeded to my next door neighbor's house and told them all about how we hate her and were mean to her. She also called Boy roomie to complain but he didn't answer.
can I have another drama free vacation please? did so well in the last year!
at least it takes my mind off of "T". I still get teary talking about it. I just don't want to hurt anymore. No word from him. I know it's for the best.
After all was said and done, girl roomie and I played barbies. she went kayaking. I want to go kayaking. I think I prefer knitting to barbies. I know we're old, but we're kids at heart. Really we just put the stickers on the camping set and changed thier clothes. then we left the mess in the middle of the living room because we can.

Dear Silly Girl

Just because Danny and Sandy were able to overcome thier differences and fly away in Greased Lightning to live happily ever after does not mean that this is in the cards for you. If I catch you singing "Hopelessly Devoted", even in the shower, I'll have to slap you. That would be really funny, but really creepy for anyone who is watching. Let's not test it.

Dear Self

Idiot Girl,
Please stop torturing yourself with hope. He may have said he would call, but you know it is best that he doesn't. You know you will not get back together, and that although it hurts terribly now, it is better for you both in the long run. Please stop checking your email, he is not going to write. The two of you have no reason to stay in touch and it is best that you don't regardless of the fact that he says he wants to remain friends. In fact, you know in your heart that when he walked out the door, you would not be seeing him again unless it was by accident, and that when you do, you will be crushed all over again because that is the kind of person you are. so although it is in your nature to torture yourself this way, stop. you have other things to focus on now.

Like the fact that the landlord DOES want to break your lease and tonight you might have to stand up to her and tell her where to go and demand copious amounts of money on behalf of your housemates and yourself, even though what you really want is to have a quiet evening of TV and knitting. And, sad to say, your boyfriend back.

And, sad to say, you will likely knit the night away, alone, after you tell the landlady to stuff it, and by the way, don't ever enter my house without permission with no one home on a non emergency basis again or I'll have you arrested for breaking and entering. (this is how I deal, I get worked up about other things)

I might be stuck at work. And I REALLY have to go to the bathroom. Icing. icing on the cake. If I clock out at three, like I am supposed to, I think I can take a nap. No one would ever know.

I need to snap out of this and work on business stuff. I have no money though. Business stuff costs money...

Not a depressing post

Please add Peter Krause to my top ten list. in between Orlando and Colin. Sorry Colin, but he's hot.

If we both feel sick over it, that means it was the wrong chioce, right? right?

No, I have not heard from him. and in all honesty, even if he did say, let's try, then I would know that if I didn't change my mind, it would be over someday anyway, and I could have healed. there would be too much pressure, too much expectation. Too much standing in the way of us really having the relationship we both deserve.

If I changed my mind, he would always wonder if I did it for him. If I had an "accident" he would always wonder if I did it to keep him. In both situations, I would question my own motives too.

If he changed his mind, I would always wonder what would have happened if he hadn't. I would wonder if he regretted it. I think he would second guess himself too.

I am buried in work but I cannot concentrate on it. That's so wrong.

How was I supposed to know that kiss hello was going to be a kiss goodbye? I'm so glad I tried to make it count.

don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...only an hour and a half left, I must be strong and make it through the day. Why did I have to tell myself it was going to be ok?

I will not cry at work, I will not cry at work...

Must. Stop. checking.email. must. remember. that. he. is. not. BF. anymore.

Must heal quickly so I can stop crying.

I hate this.

would it hurt them to put some damn mother's chocolate chip cookies in the vending machines? I need cookies. donuts aren't doing it.

like an idiot

I keep checking my email in case he has sent a message, even though I know he won't, even though I know I shouldn't.

He asked if he should call "tomorrow" or if he should wait a couple days. I asked for a couple of days.

I fear that if I have contact with him, even a little, I will have hope. And I know that is wrong. He has made his choice.

I fall too easily.

the strange and the sad

I learned Friday that my Mailman has a mohawk.

Saturday a Giant Cow walked up my street. Her name is Daisy. She's the biggest cow I have ever seen.

There is a random pile of dog crap in my back yard. We do not have a dog. We have not had any dog visitors.

My landlords may want us to break lease and move. I don't want to. We've only lived there three months.

BF is now to be referred to as "T". He broke up with me last night on account of the kid thing. I am trying not to be weepy. I'm really sad. I liked him a lot. He wants to remain friends. Apparently, I am a very cool chick. If I am so damn cool, how come no one wants to be with me? I was willing to go to counseling to face my demons and see if that would help, but he didn't seem to want to wait for that.

I think I dreamed once of blogging a breakup. so I guess I saw it comming, whether I knew it or not.

Things about me

Here asre some things about me you likely don't know because you're a stranger. (only my sister knows to find my thoughts here). This was prompted by a Dark Chocolate kit kat.

1. I'm a milk chocolate kind of girl.
2.My mind is dirty, my intentions pure.
3.I can't bear tomatoes
4.Stars make me smile.
5.So do giggling children
6.So do giggling adults
7.Sometimes I am overwhelmed by life. But I wouldn't give it up for anything.
8.There are things I have done and said for which I will be forever sorry, even though they have been forgotten by the other parties involved
9.Singing provides me the most satisfying emotional release. When I can't do that, I throw things.
10.I throw like a girl.
11. I fear leaving behind an ugly corpse. I think I need to stop watching six feet under
12. I should be working
13.I suffer from social anxiety
14. someone told me once that I run like a horse
15. I long to wear funky clothes and be wild but I fear that others will see me as a poser.
16. I should have practiced my flute more and slept in less.
17. I didn't practice because I was afraid my family would make fun of me. Plus I am lazy. Also, it wasn't nearly as fun as watching TV or reading
18. I could be a better friend
19. I have a tendancy to interrupt
20. I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.
21.I have no respect for Paris or Britney. Partially because they are not looking to be respectable.
22. I hope I grow old as gracefully as my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother
23. I wish I had a better relationship with my father.
24.I envy my sister her relationship with our step father, but I will never fully forgive him.
25. I'm not the activist I once was.

I guess I should stop now.

Weekend

The wedding shower was a hit. I was so tired I hardly remember it.

Seester confronted cousin, the reply? a deadpan "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's all. I don't think she likes us. But then, looking back, sometimes I think she does. So I guess I am back to not understanding why she is behaving this way.

I managed to spend my entire paycheck before I got paid. Hello overdraft fees. Where does my money go? Say hi to the new and terribly frugal Gina. I still have to pay for my reunion...fuck.

BF was sick but he's better now. I still like him, my sister says he's strange. I whispered that we all are, but really, it's bothering me. I trust her intuitions, and I do tend to pick "winners". I would like to know if it is strange like "J" (formerly known as coworker I dated) or strange, like don't leave your kids with him, or strange, like unknown, which is what I am hoping because I am learing that he doesn't let everyone in (unlike myself and my family). I explained to her that unlike us, BF won't like you until he gets to know you, until you give him a reason to like you. We tend to like you until you give us a reason not to, and then we'll still like you while you walk all over us and hurt our feelings.

I am afraid that someone will give me a reason why I shouldn't continue to see him. I worry that they will tell me he is bad. I don't think he is bad. But I tend to see the best in people and ignore the worst. And I promised myself I would listen to my family and friends when they expressed doubts. I am afraid they will not like him even when they get to know him.

I'm sure I had something fun to post, but now I have forgotten what it was. I'm getting excited about the shower on Saturday. BF will be there to help. I like it when he is around to help.

I don't think

I don't think that it is unamerican for me to feel as though our current administrations apparent goal of changing the governments of countries who's leadership style is differnet from ours is wrong.
I wonder if they understand that those countries come from a differnet mindset than we do and that thier culture and history is different. Just because we like it, doesn't mean it is right for them. True evolution cannot be forced and, just because it seeme to work for us (or does it?) doesn't mean that it is right for them.
This has been sparked by an article I read on Yahoo which states that Russia believes that americans have been sending spies into thier country in order to insite revolution towards democracy.
I would like to see my worldly neighbors live happy healthy lives, and I certainly am not complaining about the disposal of Saddam Houssein as the dictator of Iraq, and I am not going to pretend to be so politically savy that I know what is really going on in the world (Remember, I just found out about the slaughter in Rwanda), but it seems to me that things have been pretty quiet over there as they slowly change thier ruling style (Russia, not Iraq. What a mess!). I do think I need to read more Yahoo news, they give better information

another deal breaker

Wedgies. my underwear already tends to be up my ass whether I want it there or not. It has come to my attention that some guys still think it is funny to give wedgies. it's not. it's disrespectful and painful. And a great way to piss me off. I get pissed just thinking about it! I mean, what do you think? "oh honey, it really makes me hot when you yank my undies up my butt. I can't wait to pry them outta there so you can do it again"

Really. once again, are we twelve?

I realize that I make it sound like I have no appriciation for juvenile behavior. This is not true. I just think that if there is something you used to do to the nerdy kid at school to make him or her run away in tears, you probably shouldn't do that to your lover. could just be me.

By the way, no more sticky.

Snagged from Jen

I don't know how I scored so high in Wine, since I don't drink the stuff, and so low in liquor, since I do drink the stuff. Maybe I am sophisticated. (ha ha ha ha!)I have to say though, I am damn proud to be a bourbon. Smooth, mellow, and intoxicating. NICE!

Bourbon Congratulations! You're 102 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (100), and liquor (52).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

Guinea Pig

My sister is an Avon Lady. (see her link at Right---> ) Every so often she and her friends decide I should be a guinea pig for whatever new product they are too scared to try out themselves. Below is my email to her regarding Avon's new Skin So Soft home waxing kit.


tried it before my shower last night, and I must say that it does indeed work well.
But I am still sticky. Used the (soothing) oil before my shower, sticky. Hair condiditoner in the shower (oil based, right?) still sticky. Soap? sticky. more oil after shower. hmmm. sticky. woke up this morning. still sticky.
Moral of the story? Sticky.
Other moral of the story? I don't know from experience, but I imagine it's best to use this product when you won't have contact with another person until the stickiness wears off. Because you don't want anyone stuck to your...leg. Or worse. under your arm. Actually, I didn't try either of those places, so really, it could have been MUCH worse than that.

By the way, I don't know if the stickiness has worn off yet. I'm not one to go around checking for stickiness. eew. that was gross.

if someone said to you

"Someone turned off my thingy"

would you giggle? I did. I think I embarrassed my boss. He really didn't mean it that way.

Speaking of my boss, he suggested that I wear roller skates so that I could get around quicker. I got all excited and asked if I could wear short shorts and a tube top too. with sequins.

He said no. and no tassels either. dammnit. There goes tomorrow's outfit.

favorite quote from last night

Says me:

Oh, my belly, I am so full. I wish I could puke up my dinner so I can finish my drink.

then, later:

damn. we didn't finish our drinks and now it's bed time. Let's chug them!!

Top ten list

Every one has one. after watching "Fever Pitch" (fun, cute movie. we laughed, we applauded, we sang along. total chick flick. BF was glad I didn't try to make him go) Girl roomie and I thought we'd list ours. I think my top ten is actually a top six, but, whatever.

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5.Ryan Reynolds
6. Leonardo DiCapprio (a la Titanic, of course)

also, for fun, here is the joke from my laffy taffy today.

Why didn't the lady get hurt when she fell off the cliff?

she was wearing a light fall dress.

bad, I know. but what do you expect from laffy taffy?

I'm back!

Had very busy days Friday and Monday and couldn't come out to play. I think I am caught up now.

Had a great weekend.

Found out my dad sold the family home. last March. I have no idea where he is living now. However, my mom just saw him coming out of a hotel, spoke briefly with him, and says he seems healthy and well taken care of. I'm glad to hear it.

My cousin and her friends bought out the family campground without even asking the rest of us if we wanted in. I am angry about it. But my sister and I are talking about buying our own damn camping property, so there!

Finally!

I finally found it!

I have been searching, since I was a freshman in High School for a poem. I didn't know the title. I didn't know the author. All I knew was that it touched me profoundly and the first and last lines had been running through my head for, um, 13 years. I knew it was a black writer, as I had found it in a book of American black poets at the school I was going to at the time. But after I moved, there was no way I could return to the library to try and find it again! I thought it was from the Civil War era, but now I know it was much later than that and that the writer was a Jamaican man well known in Harlem. Here it is, I hope it touches you the way it touched me then and still does now.

The Barrier
By Claude McKay

I must not gaze at them although
Your eyes are dawning day;
I must not watch you as you go
Your sun-illumined way;

I hear but must not ever heed
The facinating note,
Which fluting like a river reed,
Comes from your trembling throat;

I must not see upon your face
Love's softly glowing spark;
For there's the barrier of race
You're fair and I am dark.

Deal Breakers

Everyone has their list of deal breakers. Here's mine:

Covered Wagons. Also known as a Dutch Oven, where a fart happens under the covers and the culprit pulls sid covers over the victim's head in order to force them to smell the fumes in a closed in concentrated manor. This really is at the top of my list!!

Wet Willies. I don't mind my ears nibbled or whatever, but don't stick your finger in there. and REALLY don't lick your finger and stick it in there. ugh.

Clipping tonails in the living room/kitchen/bedroom, really anywhere but in the bathroom or outside. Those things are sharp, and gross. beep them where they are far from food, and easy to sweep up.

Farting is ok as long as it is not intentionally done on my person. I read once that the reason farts smell is because there are tiny poo particles floating around and that is what smells. I don't want your poo particles on my person. Accidents happen, everybody farts, whether they admit it or not, or do it openly or not. but to intentionally put your butt on someone and pass gas? uh uh. I don't think so.

Physical violence against my self or family. this sounds like a no brainer. But if you hit me, I'm gonna leave forever. right after I beat the ever loving shit out of you. Against my family? I put up with it once. had a boy friend who kicked my mom in the head. He said he was just playing, but he was mad, and he didn't hurt her, he has amazing control over his body and barely tapped her, but I will always feel bad for not ending it with him right then.

Drug and alcohol abuse. I can accept if you want to quit, are in a program, are dedicated to your program....but I'd rather you weren't involved in the shit. I've had enough heartaches over drug and alcohol use.


Wow. that got a lot more serious than I thought it would! guess that's all for now!

Sharing childhood memories

Since I just shared these with my boss, I thought you might enjoy them too. These are the things we used to wander around singing, along with great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts...and all that jazz.

(insert two syllable name here) is a nut, she/he has a rubber butt.
And every time she/he turns around sh/he goes putt, putt.

then the infamous

Everybody's doin it, doin it, doin it
Pickin their nose and chewin it, chewin it, chewin it,
Tastes like candy but it's really snot
An ice crea sunday with a booger on the top.

I almost forgot about how so and so stole the cookie from the cookie jar (who me??) yes you. (couldn't be) then who??

That one could go on forever...

I catch myself actually saying this one to little kids when they pitch a fit...

(insert name here) is mad and I am glad cuz I know how to tease him/her...

I HATED that!

Ah, the memories of being kicked out of my aunt's house with a plastic cup of kool aide all day so she could clean house...We could come back for lunch (a pb and j and out we went) She wore a bandanna on her head...I do it too when I'm doing heavy cleaning.

Wow. I didn't think two little rhymes would bring back such a flood of memories! I may have to email those to my sister and cousin now.

a little better still

date went very nice, although I was apparently nervous all evening. we talked a little bit, about how I may change my mind eventually, but not to keep him, and how I knew he still wanted to hang out with me, because he was there. And that it will take me some time to get comfortable again. Not that I have ever been totally comfortable, but I was getting there. But now, I think I am back to being gun shy.

Meanwhile, I think he is more comfortable with me because he does those gross things guys do like scratch and burp. he hasn't farted (while I was awake) but I know it's coming. And he did tell me the other day that he had gas. Thanks. and, good for you.

I do believe though that being with someone has as much to do with whether you can deal with their habits and ideosycracies as it does whether you are attracted to them. Attraction does not keep a relationship going. You don't want to be with someone who you think smells bad. I don't thinkI could be with someone who trimmed thier toenails in the living room/kitchen/etc. I thinkI will make a list of deal breakers. hmm.

did I say that?

My boss says I'm going to the dark side. I said he's the devil.

He was telling stories again and I told him it was a crock of...baloney. This prompted the following comment:

Eew. imagine how nasty a crock of baloney would smell. would it be worse than a crock of shit?? shit smells pretty bad, and if you cook it, I imagine it would be worse, but baloney, it has to be close.

Sorry guys, I've already decided I'm going to hell. At least I'll be in good company...

yeah, I said that. baloney is nasty.

Exciting for me

probably lame for you
BUT

I used my first handmade washcloth in the shower last night and while I was not impressed with my prototype (it kept rolling up on me!), it's ok because I can always make more, and, who gets it right the first time anyway? In fact, I have the second prototype on the needles right now. My partner gets to try out thay one.

a bit better today

the lump is nearly gone. No one has died yet, and I have a date with BF tonight, which means he does want to see me still. Ideally I will not turn back into weepy, girly, gina. she's enough to make me sick with all her blubbering and heartbreak.

Although we have been emailing all day, I feel shy to call him tonight because even though
I know we need to solve this issue to move on (I have been watching him play way too many video games, I think) I fear that he will choose to let me go instead of gambling on a might.

after all, the last one sent me away rather than give up a friendship with his ex.

and what if he decides to gamble? how long will it be until he tells me he doesn't want to wait anymore? What if I haven't changed my mind?

paradox.

trying to swallow the lump in my throat the size of New York City. skyscrapers and all.

Will have to tell BF that he can either hope I will change my mind someday or let me go so I can crawl under my desk and cry and heal. And likely hate myself for making a big promise when I was 16 to myself and carrying it on all these years for reasons that don't seem so strong now that I have voiced them to someone. At least he said my reasons were valid.

I may overdose on Chrysanthimum tea.

Lotto Taxes

Apparently, winning the Man Lotto means you have to pay Lotto Taxes or lose your winnings.

BF verbalized an issue last night. He wants kids and I don't. He thought I would either A) leave and think about it or B) shrug it off. I suprised him by C) crying.

I hate it when people see me cry. First of all, I am not one of those women who look beautiful when I cry, I look real. puffy red eyes, red, runny nose. awful. secondly, I prefer that my emotional outbrakes be private. no audience.

I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. I will not concede to having kids just to keep him, although I have to admit, there is a temptation. But I don't think that is right. I will admit, however, where my mom and sister can't hear, that it is possible that I will change my mind. but I don't think it is right to ask him to pin his hopes on what I may or may not be thinking in a couple of years. Part of my resolve has to do with all the people who said I would change my mind. I don't want them to say "I told you so." It's rude.
I could say good bye and walk away. This is the most logical thing to do. It's only been two months, we have nothing but time invested. But neither of us wants to stop seeing each other. With other men, at this point, I could have done with little trouble. This one is different. He fits me better.
I still maintain that I made the right decision when it came to the choices with E. But that was a different situation. I don't want to make the right decision, then turn around and make a wrong one.
Suppose I walk away and end up having a kid later. why couldn't I have decided to have one with BF? I think he'll be a good dad. But I have always maintained that I don't want kids. How sincere am I if I change my mind over less than 24 hour's thought?

In unrelated news, I found out that my dear friend Candy passed away. This made me cry at work.
Candy was, if ever I were to choose one, my mentor in so many ways. She travelled the world. She was a good mother and grandmother. But more than that, she sparkled and shined and surrounded herself with colorful, interesting people. she taught me that there are no limits. She taught me that I want to be colorful and interesting. She encouraged me to dance and sing and fly. She listened to my stories and shared my sorrows and my laughter. I would love her advice about BF right now. She told me stories of her childhood in Tennesee. Although I massaged her every week, she made me feel like family. Never like the hired help. She made sure her family got massages too. even the grandchildren. I can hear her voice as she pointed out all her dear friends' pictures on the bathroom wall. I can see and smell the orchids and tuberoses she would bring me from her frequent trips to Hawaii. She always made sure there was enough beauty to go around.
Though cancer stopped me from massaging her, she would come down and say hello when she felt well enough. I have heard that radiation desroys the soul. that it leaves holes that you carry into the afterlife. I hope that the reikki treatments I gave her, although they were few, helped to heal her soul so that she can be as whole and beautiful in the afterlife as she was in the physical life. But if I know Candy, she will love her new form regardless. She was a special lady. I am so blessed to have known her. and I know, because she often told me, that she felt blessed to know me too. Perhaps knowing that is the greatest gift, among all her gifts, that she gave to me.

I love you Candy, wherever you are.

friday

Hooray for Friday!

I don't have anything else to say. See you Monday.

I love my job

I love my job because I spent most of the afternoon laughing at my boss. I laughed so hard I cried, and he proceeded to clown around some more.

I also don't tend to get in trouble for telling him to kiss my ass. I'm not being insubordinate, if you knew him, you'd say the same thing.

He's fun. I like my boss. but don't tell him I said so. He hates everything.

Ear Wax

The conversation went like this:

(as I scooped out some lip balm)

Boss: eew.
me: what?
Boss: don't put that on your lips! (this is the same man who tells me that chicken poop is great for chapped lips, because if you smear it on there, you won't lick them)
me:Why?
Boss:that's not lip balm
me:yes it is, you gave it to me (only sounds sick, he sent his daughter, who is my age out for holiday gifts one year. she did a great job!!)
Boss:yeah, but it's not lip balm, it's ear wax. (think vanilla sugar flavor from bath and body works) horse ear wax. I replaced it in there. picked out all the hairs. and the tick legs.

at which point I got really grossed out, he laughed, and wandered away.

sick.

that's all I have for now.

More Rants!

And some other good stuff. I'll start with the rant.

Chain letters. I know we are all a little superstitions, no matter what we say. I recieve some rather inspirational emails. I'd rather not, but some of them are very nice or have nice stories. Some don't. I got one this morning. It was a poem about an abused child. At the end of the very sad poem, the forward warned that you had better pass it on. basically that if you don't forward it to your friends and depress the crap out of them, you hate children and support child abuse. WTF??? Or the one about the little girl who was kidnapped yesterday, here's her picture, and (insert favorite store here) has promised to donate a penny for every time it circles the globe. we won't mention that the same little girl's picture has been circulating fort he last 3 years or more. The other one that got me today was the one full of inspirational life tips that came from Anthony Robbins (supposedly, although I have seen many of thise same tips attributed to the Dalai Lama) that told me that if I didn't send it to (insert pyramid amount of friends, the more the better type crap) friends, my life will turn to shit.
I love my life at the moment. I couldn't ask for more, although I will always accept more blessings. But I really don't think blessings are given according to whether or not you pass along God's word in an email. Deleting emails does not make me a bad Christian. The fact that I am Wiccan makes me a bad Christian. and my interpretation of the "god" does not punish for trivial things like emails. But that is a whole other rant. maybe another day.

Meanwhile, BF's office mate has requested that he run with her in the morning as part of this weightloss thing. He asked if his "girlfriend could come along". I was elated (quietly) because I do believe that this was the first tie he has referred to me as his girlfriend in my presence, which means that I can feel free to call him my boyfriend all I want, and I realize that it is awfully long into our relationship to be having these insecurities, but hey, I have to live life at my own pace. Unfortunately, she called at 4:45 am (I jumped out of bed) to cancel. I was proud ofmyself for getting up, BF sent me back to bed. Maybe another day. Maybe I'll get around to some hoopin or dancing tonight. Guess we'll see.

The way I really feel about it.

Why in the world do people send me blonde jokes?

I'm a natural blonde. I am also an intelligent woman. Sure, I have my dingy times, but usually it's because there aren't enough intelligent people around me to keep my brain occupied with fascinating insight so I sink to their level and spend hours discussing my boobs instead. Not that my boobs aren't fascinating.

Or I haven't eaten. That makes me dingy too.

So today I received several pages of blonde jokes sent to my work email from a friend of mine who I adore, but I think she doesn't realize that she's insulting my intelligence, and that of every other blonde when she perpetuates the outdated thought that women with blonde hair wander about in a delirious state of contented ignorance shopping and fucking any man who tricks her into bed.

If this really were the case, I would have been way more popular in high school.

And you thought they were just funny. You may have even thought we blondes didn't get it. This one does. And really, they aren't.


PS speaking of my boobs, spell check does not recognize "boobs" but you can replace it with "boobies" hee hee hee.

Interdimentional Spillproof Containers

apparently, you need those in the wormholes.

The blog I mentioned: http://loseinches.blogspot.com I told BF that I would probably last a week. We'll see.

I found a poem that I wrote when I first met BF and a friend of mine had asked the following questions

How are things going? Did you win the Lotto or anything?

to which I replied:

The things that are going is everything
They are going very well.
I may have won the Man Lotto
but only time will tell.


I still think I have hit the Man Lotto. I also think I am clever.

Word still comes around

That E is a mega huge player and yes indeedy I am truly better off without him. But issues aside, I miss him as a person.

BF, however, is more and more delightful to me every day. I especially like it when he giggles.

I have decided to enter the weightloss contest at his work. (by remote, and I don't think his coworkers know I am playing) and since I am a glutton for punishment, I am blogging about it. I think it will help me to keep track of what I am eating ecause I like to blog so much. I'll give you the link as soon as I remember what it is.

HEY! I'm serious!

people keep laughing at me when I tell them I am very upset about the state of Rwanda. I don't think that it is very funny at all. people. are. dying.

don't even get me started onthe AIDS situation over there. That is one thing I cannot claim to have been ignorant about. It makes me very sad.

Ignorance, it's all ignorance. I would start reading world news, but I don't trust American news channels to offer me the truth. I think it's sugar coated so that they won't bruise the delicate American sensibilities. Days like this, I understand wanting to live a hermit lifestyle. Between the daily destruction of the environment, and genocide in Africa, I'm wondering what the point is.

I just sprayed yogurt all over the front of me.

Teleportation wormholes

Are what you get when you are trying to have a converstation with two men who have sniffed way too much laquer thinner. Having inhaled quite a bit (work only, I'm not the huffing sort!) I can say, it really does kill brain cells. I sure miss the cabinet shop.

So I am quite depressed today, not because I didn't have a fantabulous weekend, but because one movie put me in a funk. A reasonable funk this time.

Went bowling with my parents Friday. Fun! Snoozed will 10 on Saturday. Saturday night with BF. All day at the hot springs Sunday (my skin feels so nice!!) Sunday night MORE time with BF. hee hee.

We watched Hotel Rwanda. End fun and games. I'm really depressed. I am ashamed to be human at the moment. So much senseless killing. So much disregard for human life. I am ashamed that I never knew it was happening. Next time I hear someone bitching about America, I think I'll tell them to try living in Rwanda. We have no idea what suffering is. And we son't seem to care about the suffering of others unless there's something in it for us (read: oil). I don't know what would be better, to remain ingnorant for my own peace of mind, or be aware and continue to dream of death and dying. The part I remember most about my dreams last night was a large pool of water, filled with corpses. and the bad guys, whoever they were threw a bunch of kids in there to swim. When the kids found the bodies, the screamed. I wanted to get them out, I knew they had been put in there to die.

Latex Socks

Just imagine walking around in those all day. And the chunks of coagulated talcum powder in there with your feet.

Gross. I have decided that I would start bringing you into my worls by sharing some of the conversations we have around here. the wierd ones that come out of nowhere. I threatend my boss with that once and he told me I could get sued. but really, it's all just a bit too funny and sick not to share.

Hairy chests

For some reason, the men I know try to get me to eat things on account of "it'll put hair on your chest"
I'm sure they are kidding, but why would I want to do anything that would put hair on my chest? How gross is that? The only hair I want on my chest should belong to whatever hot guy I happen to be...um...hugging at any given time. If drinking coffee will put hair on my chest, well, I don't want anything to do with it!
If you want me to do something, why don't you tell me that if I drink coffee, the hair under my arms will fall out. permenantly. I'll never have to shave my legs again. I'll let your imagination deal with the third one. I'd be a coffee junkie!
but no, apparently, they think I want to be a hairy chested woman. That's a nasty factor right up there with omlette injections.

Big Paranoid Idiot

BF has lots of work coming up in May and cannot plan anything during that time.

He was just super busy yesterday.

He says i don't need to be paranoid. I'm an idiot. My baggage appears to be stuck to the back of my head with velcro.

This is funny though (at least to me), In Best Buy the other night and we passed by a copy of Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason. Now, I am a huge fan of Bridgette. I think she is me. only English and on TV. People even tell me I look like Renee. Not just people I know, I mean that people stop me in the grocery to tell me I look like Renee. Not Skinny Renee. No, apparently I resemble strongly, Renee in all her Boobalicious Bridgette Glory. I happened to mention to BF that I would be picking up a copy at some point but that I wouldn't make him watch it. He's not a girly movie kind of fellow. Turns out, that Renee is on his list of actresses he just doesn't like. I mentioned that I feel that way about J-Lo and Britney (not that she's really an actress, but she was in that movie). I did not mention the public's overwealming opinion that I look just like Renee. Let him hear that from someone else.

Then again, I may have grown a bit too round to be Renee, even when she's got some meat on her bones. Working on that, although it's Wednesday, and cappichino (I know, spelling. get over it) helps keep me from falling asleep during my meetings. Be proud of me though. I have not had any soda, cappichino (at least I spell it incorrectly the same way each time), or Tea with Honey and half n half this week. Well, I'll have cappichino today. but that's all for the week, I swear.

In other exciting news, Bubbly Creations is officially registered with the County of San Diego. Hooray! Moving right along!

ahh. he was just busy.

I'm a freak.

on the other hand

he seemed fine when he left this morning...He must just be stressed with work...

Panic-ing again

I had a dream this morning that I got up out of BF's bed and told him I loved him when I left. Then, in my dream I panic-ed because A)I said it first. I never say it first. he didn't say it back (don't think he would) and B)I don't think I feel that way at this time which means I was lying in my dream when I said it, and why did I say that anyway?

Please don't let me have been talking in my sleep...

Then this morning, I asked him about tickets to Episode III May 21 and his reply was that it was too far ahead for him. It's only a month away. He was thinking about pre-ordering tickets the other night. Does this mean he doesn't know if i will be in his life next month? I know I am taking it one day at a time, but closer to the beginning he did talk about future stuff. maybe he just doesn't like to plan more than a couple weeks in advance.

He snapped at me fort he first time last night. He didn't yell, but I could tell he was a bit angry and fustrated. He should know by now that I never know what I want for dinner...I'm working on it, and I know he is stressed at work. but...

So many concerns. so many worries. and lately, to top it off, I have been missing "E". even though I know it wouldn't have worked and I made the right choices, "E" had a joy and a love for life that BF is too angry and stressed to express. I feel so disloyal. I feel like a fool wrapped up in a daydream memory. Please get out of my head!

Unreasonable restroom fears

I have had a fear of public restrooms for a very long time. It isn't that I won't use them (as seen in other posts regarding my peeve about people and their cell phones in there) I just don't like them.
Of course, I have never met anyone who said, "oh boy! I get to pee in public!!" but, aside from certain business I just cannot bring myself to conduct in there, I actually have random fears associated with the use of public restrooms!
The first is that someone is peeking in on me from above the stall. This happened to me once in 5th grade during a class picnic, and it has taken me YEARS to stop checking to see if there is someone up there peeking in.
I worry that someone will open the door on me in all my tinckling glory. I walked in on someone once, I will never get the sight out of my head, I'm glad I didn't see her face so I don't know who it was.
What if I forgot to flush? I worry about this one at home too. This happened to me in a bar once. I was tipsy and just forgot. The next girl in asked me if the toilet was broken or if I forgot to flush, I'm still embarassed. Now I wonder if I have forgotten again....Sometimes I go back and check. This might be the start of OCD, maybe I already have it. perhaps I am crazy.
Even with the ass gasket, even having perfected the hover, I fear that I will catch something from the seat. Crabs can jump you know.
I'm thinking that for this reason it is good that I am starting a home business, even if I do plan to keep my regular job. Because if I work from home, I will have my own bathroom, and if I forget to flush, My girl roomie will just laugh at me. And that's ok.

You know i'm bored

When I run out of favorite websites to peruse.

I forgot to mention earlier that I am still moving ahead with my business, and I promise that there will be free samples. Who can resist free good smellin bathtime goodies? I finished one business related book yesterday (lots of valuable informaiton there!) and am planning to start on another this week. BUT, the point is, that when the time comes and all my ducks are in a row, I'll let you know how you can get some free samples because I will need to know if my stuff is any good before I try to market it. I'm only mentioning it because my stat counter is telling me that strangers actually visit my blog. as seen in my last entry. I'll keep you updated.

I'm very excited about this business because it will give me an excuse to make stuff without it cluttering up my house. This time, I'm not in it for the money (althoughI will gladly get rich!) I have a good job. I just want to provide a good, useful product and have fun doing it. Plus this time I have a partner in crime. stay tuned...

I love stats!

So, thanks to Luckyspinster, I now can view my stats and I learned that A) people really are visiting my blog! wow! I feel famous. ok not really. and B) someone web searched "boobs" and found me. hee hee.

Bought a fun new toy. I'm not even a Star Wars fan. but I do like Mr Potato Head so I had to have it. One to play with, and one to leave in the box. BF thinks I'm strange but admits that he would have bought one too. He now lives on my mantle.

http://www.itemsforme.com/productDetail.asp?sid=3035&mid=2149&pid=3609557

Had a great weekend, and had what I have decribed as my "perfect date" on Saturday. There were a lot more people there than I was thinking, but I guess I never specified that we had to be alone... Went to the beach (ow, sunburned my chi chis, just when my curling iron burn faded away...) hung out all day and ate sandwiches, he taught me to play cribbage (also not part of the daydream, but hey! finally a man who will go to the beach with me!!) Then home to watch rented movies all evening. It was really nice.

Went to go see Amityville Horror on Friday. It was pretty good. Ryan Reynolds is HOT. He may be my new celebrity crush. It wasn't as scary as The Grudge (still can't see it again, but I can look at the video box without turning away now. It still gives me goose bumps though) and you could tell where Hollywood added thier two cents to the story, but it was scary enough that I had to bury my face in BF's shoulder once or twice.

Tried to watch Sideways. BORING!! turned it off. BF added it to my list of bad movies, which is fustrating because I only picked it because I thought he wanted to see it. We plugged in A tale of Two Sisters next. Japanese horror flick, kinda confusing, but not a waste of time.

That's all for now.

Still Gripeing

I just riled myself up again filling BF in on the tales of last night in my household.

Add the following items to the list of liquids that I bought and didn't have time to consume before someone else did. Still no replacements...Soy Milk (I thought this would be safe since I'm the only one in the house who doesn't like to drink cow milk), Laundry Soap. (I had to go to the store last night and buy some because, well, my clothes are starting to stink!not really, but my room is a mess. BF can't get to his side of the bed.Having BF I my bed is important.)I did get to the bottom of who is doing the consuming. I have a feeling I will be running out of shredded wheat soon. I didn't open the box. At least the mouse is keeping out of my Girl Scout cookies. I think. I have so many boxes, I don't know how many have been consumed!

Downloaded the docs I need to get my business off the ground, or at least launched. Opening a business in San Diego is a pain in the ass!

Here's a visual that will gross you out.(thank my boss) interveiniously injected omlettes. the visualization of all that egg coming out of a syringe makes my cholesterol stand on end. blah.

Shameless Pride for the day

This might be sick. Not "eew why did you tell me that sick" but rather a bit, "why does that make you feel proud, you freak?" kind of sick.

In the course of conversation with Bf last night, he, who I don't think I have mentioned tends to be on the grumpy side, but in a highly amused sort of way, said that his friend at work told him that what he really needed was a blonde with big boobs about 5'4. To which BF replied, "I've already got one, but I think she's 5'5".

first of all, I took it as a compliment, and I don't know why. maybe it was the big boobs thing, although this should not surprise me at all, being the president of the PDCC.

I think the truth is, that it makes me happy to know that I would be precribed as what anyone "needs" even if it is on the most superficial level. And, I like it theat BF refers to me as something he "has" although, of course he would be on the curb if ever he pretended to "own" me. I've been through the overzealous boyfriend thing, and let me tell you, it's a good way to get rid of me.

I'm 5'4 afterall.

I remember!

Mt roomates and i discussed this in depth last night, and it is something that has been bothering me since I saw a "native pride" sticker the other day.

How many generations does my family have to live here before we are considered Native Americans? Now, I cannot claim a direct line with the Mayflower (I think) but I was born here. so were my parents. so were their parents. If you count the Mexican side, well, we've been here all along, and on my mom's side, at least a long time, so tell, me, how many generations before I am considered a Native?

I already don't list myself as white, when I can, even though I tend to glow in the dark. I'm not White, I'm "other". I just appear to be pale on account of my expressed genetics. I mark "other" on the census because I am proud of my mutt heritage.

What I really want to mark, what I would like all of us to mark, is American. If ou were born here, you're American. Not African American, Mexican American, Asian American. That's your heritage. Your bloodlines. That's your ancestry. You're from America. The United States of America, actually. Stand up. Be proud. I'm going to stop fooling myself by listing my ancestry to anyone who will listen. I'm not Irish. I've never even been to Ireland. I'm not Mexican, I've never been beyond Baja. I'm not German or Dutch or anything, my ancestors were. Me? I'm an American. Love me or leave me, it's time I started being proud of it.

I had an idea

For a fantasticly interesting post about something, yesterday, but now I can't remember what it was. I can only hope that it will return to me before the end of the day so that I can share it with whomever might possibly be reading.
I would like to be able to post more fun stuff (like pictues) but my home computer is not up, and when I do get it up (hee hee. had to)
I will still need to get internet because I refuse to give in to AOL with their free 40 hours of usage and constant barrage of CD's in the mail, the grocery, everywhere you look. I think they are sneaking into my house and putting them in my underwear drawer at night! There is no escape! I would actually like to know if there is anyone out there protesting the amount of garbage AOL creates by sending a new and improved CD program to everyone in the US, sometimes twice. (I recieved one yesterday in my "you've moved" package from the post office) Sure, the cases are recyclable if you send CDs, and if you are artsy, you can make neat mobiles and art out of the CD's, but in all honesty, who really does those things? and how many CD mobiles and wall hangings do we need? if they didn't have holes in them, I'd say make coasters out of them. come to think of it, I might anyway. that way, if you lose them or use them as frizbees, you know there will be a replacement in the mail in a few days. Ooh! I've been inspired! Look out world, I'm taking over! with coasters!
Everything gets protested in America. If you are not boycotting something, you must be Unamerican. I tried to boycott the electric company back in the rolling blackout days (and now we all know what that was all about!!) but my roomates wouldn't go for it. they thought they NEEDED electricity. whatever.
BF feels better! yay!
I'm moving forward with the startup of my company! yay! I'm hoping for a September launch. We're looking for names. I will have to add coasters to my product line.

What a wonderful weekend

Except for the part that I was a wee bit cranky. we won't talk about that.

I was offerend a black angora goat. I can't decide if it is a good idea to take/buy it. We will aready have a goat, but I would love to have the fiber for spinning. And black angoras are worth bucks, so I would be able to make some cash selling what I cannot spin. But what if in a year I haev gone crazy and I don't want to live with anyone anymore? What if my roomates go crazy and don't want to live with ME anymore? I have a few gripes, and they are small, but what if they get bigger? what if I can't find another house that will take farm animals? it was hard to find a home for my kitties (it's been almost a year! wow!). It would be really hard to find a home for one goat, let alone two! then again, we haven't even gotten the first goat, what if he falls through?

Here are my roomate gripes, perhaps someone out there in blog land can tell me whether I am being petty.

I can handle that the trash doesn't go out as often as I would like. But someone doesn't like walking the 100 feet to the carport instead of putting the garbage into the can on the back porch. (where is gets forgotten on trash day becasue I don't know it is there)I do get quite a bit cranky that no one lines the cans with a larger bag so that on trash day, I can put all the bags at the curb (we are only allowed 8 bags at the curb, two kitchen bags fit into one 33 gallon bag, and the cans stay clean). I moved the can off the back porch to stop that little habit. I lined all the cans. I think I'm the only one who knows that trash day is on Thursday.

I'm still finding cigarette butts ...I know they are not BF's because he field strips his and throws them away. I don't smoke and won't live somewhere covered in butts. Like I told the roomies, if I wanted to live in a frat house, I would have gone to college.

My biggest gripe though, is drinks. someone is drinking all of my drinks and not replacing them. Some stuff I buy to share, and I am really happy to share anything I buy. But of the two cases of leftover beer from my mom's party, there is maybe a 6 pack left. I don't drink beer (and this is not counting the two cases I bought for the move, all gone) So we have gone through at least three cases of beer in less than a month, I know BF didn't do it, and I was planning to recycle the leftovers to my sister's wedding shower. 2 flats of leftover soda, gone. Someone drank all my Gatorade (I'm trying to stop being dehydrated), at least a 6 pack. I put sodas in the fridge for myself, gone. Am I petty for being cranky? That's a lot of money in drinks. I know I do well, but I don't think it is my job to water the masses! I am trying to think of a way to bring it up without sounding like a bitch. I made a joke yesterday about boy roomie (who I want to blame for drinking all the beer since he is not 21 and cannot buy his own) replacing the beer when he does turn 21. Maybe that will be enough.

In the happy side, BF called me sweetie. :) it was nice. it was the first time he used an endearment that I felt was not in jest. Poor BF, he has a migrain today.

Oh my geekness!

Shared a picture of myself at the renessance faire with BF today because I promised to help out tomorrow even though I'm not all that interested in the actual faire anymore. I go to spin and chat. Haven't heard back from him. I guess I will know if he was scared away if he doesn't answer his door tonight.

missing out

apparently there is some sort of solar eclipse today. But I will be missing it because it's overcast. well. actually it looks like rain out there. RAIN!! I pay a lot of money to live where it isn't supposed to rain. I don't even own an umbrella. I do buy water tight shoes though. but that's just in case I happen to want to splash thorugh a puddle. My local river may look more like a brook, but sometimes, we have puddles.

Another Double

Craptacular. It's been in my head all day. Don't know why, it's such a negative word. Maybe I am being secretly spiteful today.

I have a rant today!

Showers. Not that bathing kind. The kind you have to attend when someone is getting married or having a kid. It's not that I don't like giving presents, that's the part I like, what I hate is sitting around playing bad party games. I went to a baby shower once where they mushed up candy bars in dipers and you were suppsed to figure out what they were by smelling, tasteing, poking, etc. There were 14 women playing, it took FOREVER. I only did well because I like candy bars. and I copied off my friend Kristen who is good at everything (you know you know someone like this. She and my sister. they can do anything!)
I told BF that if i ever happened to get pregnant, that I want to send a card that says simply, "I'm pregant. Send presents" after all, that's hat a shower is, right? an excuse to get presents? I like presents. I like giving them, I like getting them. I think I should give presents more often. If anyone pins a clothespin to me today, I might just have to start a brawl. That would make for an interesting shower. Hey....

Guilty for no reason

I just said something mean about an Ex. I called him a Jackass. I feel bad. He isn't really. well, ok, maybe he is. I think where I am concerned, he might agree.

The third and final chapter:

C and I got along great. It took us a year and a half to decide that we both wanted more out of each other (comittment. before that, he was my first and last boy toy.) We moved in together. Suddenly, he didn't have quite so much time. He would choose classes that kept him out until after I was in bed. For some reason, he didn't get the hint when I would wander about brazenly nakid and announce that I was going to bed. I gave him my emotional best and everything I had. He sent me away for the company of his Ex. It's no wonder I am afraid to get too close to BF.

He doesn't know these things, we don't discuss our past. I'm trying to live in the present. Why do I keep dwelling on the past?

Panic

I have a tendency to panic when put on the spot. Last night I was put on the spot and the answer should have been easy, but it wasn't. Here's what happened.

BF was over (yay!!) Friend Sara calls. I mention that BF and I are going to dinner. (My kitchen sink is broken again so I couldn't cook because I can't pour water down it. I would have managed anyway but...) so the conversation goes something like this, and please, keep in mind that my moment of panic was not due to Sara's question, but rather to the fact that BF was staring at me the whole time I was talking.

Sara: "Who's BF??"
Me: "Uh, he's my friend"
Sara: "Your Special Friend?"
Me: "Yeah!!"

Why is this a problem? because I couldn't refer to him as my BF in front of him, even though we have had "the talk". Why couldn't I mention to Sara that he is the guy who came into my office and asked for my number? I know I told her about him! and oh boy isn't great that we are still seeing each other... send some ego boost to BF for once? ack!

He wanted to know who Sara was, and I told him an old friend from High School. I invited her to dinner with us, but she found a bug in her food last time she ate at that restrant so she wasn't interested.

Other than that we had a wonderful evening.


Installment #2. "D"

D and I were together for 5 years. We grew apart. Long story. He would have preferred, actually, that I was more demonstrative. But I am just not that way. One of the problems in our relationship was the hours we kept, his late, mine early. On the rare occation he was home, he tended to be too tired when I wanted to get friendly. There was always some sort of excuse. Some nights it was "I'm too tired". too many nights it was "I already took care of myself today" The guys at the video store knew him by name. One night I showed up in lacy red PJ's, and he rolled over and went to sleep. After awhile, I stopped trying because it hurt too much to lay there and want him but know that he didn't want me. this went on for years.
I found out a couple of days ago that he was going to ask me to marry him, but I broke up with him before he could do it. We are still friends, although not as close as we once were.


BF has not met him. for the first time since we broke up, I am worried about it. I don't want to make BF uncomfortable, I don't want to put him in a funny place. Yet, eventually they will meet. I hope that I am more comfortable with the idea by then.

Oh my goodness!

Call me a dork (everyone else does!) but it made my day to see that I had a comment from Snozzberrylicious Cate who I read at least once a day. Between Her Snozzberries, and Callie's Spinsterhood, I don't know how I ever survived before blogs. I think I might be sick.

I had a wonderful time in LA this weekend. I didn't get discovered (again) but you never know about next time. We stayed in Burbank so I got to see all sorts of studios. here are my observations based on the reality versus what you see on TV.

Disney: Wow, look! Disney Studios! It would be very cool if I saw Hilary Duff. My roomate would be SOOO jealous. I would want to get her an autograph. (I won't detail the continued thoughts on how cool I think Hilary is or how much of a fan is my roomate)

NBC/CBS: hey look! it's NBC/CBS!!

Nickelodean: (spelling?) Hey look...Sure looks empty and kind of run down. apparently, when they show it on TV, they actually use the Florida location. The LA locatio does not have slime dripping or large colorful signs, or kids everywhere like I thought it would. but it did have a few random charactors on the roof.

Cartoon Network: hey look...you get the point. This was a large, kinda drab building. the sign was embossed concrete into the building, it wasn't even in black and white. quite frankly, I think it is more exciting to look at the gocery store.

Studios aside, I had a wonderful time and spent great, quality time with my brother who was my whole reason for going. He's a good kid. needs to ditch the girlfriend though. she is definately not cute enough to treat anyone the way she treats him and, definately did not make any points with me on account that she couldn't drag her lazy ass out of bed to meet me. we wouldn't have even gotten to her house until 11am. but she was way too tired. she gave him a ration of bitch on his birthday too, which, I don't think PMS is an excuse. Sorry. ooh. I get cranky just thinking about it.

Missed BF terribly. looking forward to seeing him tonight.

And now, because I have decided that my Blog replaces psychiatry for me, the first installment of "How men have rejected me and therefore I am terribly insecure"

JD was my first kiss. The son of my mom's friend, they thought it would be great if we liked each other. He went with me to my homecoming dance, but I was just not ready to be kissed. Scared (I was a late bloomer). Fast forward a year, and I move into his neighborhood. We reconnect. Our parents leave us home alone for an evening, and smoochy smoochy! He comes over another night to help me babysit. more smoochy smoochy. We lay on my bed (I shared a room with my mom, there was no monkey business) I lean in for kisses and he asks why I am kissing him. (um, because I thought we liked each other???) I back off in shock. couple of weeks later, he attends a family outing with me. He's mean to me all day, and when I leaned in for a goodnight kiss, he flat out refused. said I was wearing too much lipstick. Hurt, I headed back to my dad's truck where I checked the lipstick levels. none. I never called him again. I guess I was smarter back then.

Tomorrow we will fast forward about 4 years to "D". This will skip any boy who showed interest then lost it when they got to know me, and even the traumas of "W", my biggest high school crush and the trauma that was "B", the one who said he's call, then didn't. I waited 10 months for the phone to ring on that one. Not sure when I turned into a typical female when it comes to men, but I know it happened sometime in High School.

Inevitable Tears

It doesn't matter how wonderful a guy is, it doesn't matter how much attention he gives me, how much time he spends snuggling with me or how many times he tells me I am beautiful. He's gonna hurt my fragile ego, and I am going to cry. We will call it inevitable tears, and, I think if I ever write a book, that shall be the title.
I shed my first (and only) tear last night. It was a good one too. Welled up slowly. Sat for a long time in the hollow between my eye and nose. (I was laying on my side) slowly made it's way across the bridge of my nose, through the other eye, and onto my pillow. Poor BF. He asked if something was wrong and I said "nothing". (number two!! A voice boomed into my head and I immediately reminded myself that I swore I wouldn't lie to him again, that I would communicate like an adult instead of making him feel like he had done something wrong when really, he didn't) You cannot lie to a sensitive, he knew there was something wrong, but how could I explain?
How do I say that when he commented that I was being "lovey dovey" I heard, "you're being awfully loving for a person I'm just sleeping with". My answer was that sometimes I just get like that. I am not a clingy woman. I do not indulge in PDA's. Actually, I rarely initiate any sort of physical contact. One day I will list all the times men I have been dating have refused my attention. This makes me very gun shy. Over sensitive. Apt to take any comment about said attentions the wrong way unless it's something like "hey, gimme more of that lovin!"
That he knew something was wrong broke my heart more. But I couldn't force myself to tell him, "it's not you, it's me". I cannot ask him to fix something when it is me that is broken and only security can fix it. But that takes time. So much time, and I fear that he will stop trusting me if I always say "nothing" when he knows it's something.

Aside from the enormous crack in my soul, it certainly is a beautiful day, and when BF came by work, (I had forgotten he was supposed to come by) it was such a pleasant surprise. If I can fix this gaping hole where my self esteem should be...

Every Day Stuff

The kitchen sink at my house is clogged so I have been filling a dish pan and dumping it out instaed of allowing water to drain. Ah, country life. When I told my boss about it, he had the following to say:

"Eew, your throwing out the chunks too!"
"Yes." I replied, "The bugs will eat them"
"The bugs will eat the soap, and it will kill them"
"oh yeah."

He then proceeded to tell me all about how the food would form a quivering jelly-like mass in the back yard. Then it will be hit by lightning and form the blob. The blob will then go about eating everything. Between the two of us, we decided that it whould be translucent and you would be able to see all the stuff it had consumed. I said "eew" and he had a good giggle.

Made a meatloaf for the BF last night. I think I overcooked it, but he and BoyRoomate didn't complain. GirlRoomate did not come home. I think she is avoiding the place since she had a run in with out housemate "Tom". Either that or she found a man. I am not going to discount either theory because well, they could actually both be true! I know I was gone all weekend, but I have not seen her since last week. I miss her! I was going to send her a text message, but I left my phone at home.

Something wrong with the concept of Meatloaf. It's a loaf. of meat. Sure, you spice it, add some egg and oatmeal. Squirt on some katsup. but even with swirly little katsup designs, it's still a loaf. of meat. Man it sure does taste good.

Domesticated

My boys tell me I've gone domestic. Domesticated they call me, like some wild animal tamed into someone's home. I argue, but I fear they may be right. They tell me I "used to be fun". I really don't see how I am any different than the person they knew. Every so often I still let out the monster in me.
These are no longer the high school days of no responsibility. I have bills to pay. I have to be at work at 7 am and while I don't think mine is the most exciting job ever, it pays well. Sure, I'm out of the cabinet shop, and I do miss that job, but we all have to move forward in our careers, even if we don't know what our career will be.
A part of me misses the weekends wasted in hangover hell rehashing stories of the guy in TJ I was smooching on. I'm still a bit proud of the time I peed in a parking lot. But since that was the highlight of my last frightening night in Mexico, I don't want to relive it.
It's almost as though you have two different people in me. You have the one who wants to be respectable, the one who desires to be thought of as a role model of grace. And the one who will rip her shirt off in the middle of a party because dammmit, it's fucking HOT in here. (this act prompted quite a bit of topless mayhem in what has been declared the greatest, wildest party in group history)
I guess I am just considering life at the moment. Pondering who I really am. And really, I think I would rather be multifaceted. Keep them guessing. Be able to go from knitting to pudding wrestling in an hour. The kind of friends I want will love that about me. So in a couple of hours, I really can look forward to cooking BF up a nice hearty meatloaf.

argh!

Have I mentioned yet my favorite pet peeve? the one where people use their phones in the bathroom?

I have a difficult enough time using a public restroom. I don't like people to hear my private business. Actually, call me silly, I don't like people to know I conduct that sort of business. I mean, we all know we all do it, do we really need to talk about it? Among close friends is one thing, but I really need to know you for at least 10 minutes before I'll talk potty, and I don't care if I have been sleeping with you for years, I WON'T go for the tandem tinkle. I need some private moments.

I realize that the advent of cell phones allows us to have conversations in places that we would not normally be able to conduct business. On the golf course. Hiking. in the car. But not the bathroom! I don't want the person you are talking to to hear my body noises. I don't think they want to hear mine, or yours for that matter. Have you ever been on the phone with someone and heard them flush?

Whatever it is you are saying can wait a couple of minutes until you walk out of the bathroom. Finish drying your hands and walk out before you dial! I won't answer in the "Library". It's no wonder we are an over stressed society if we won't stop business for 5 minutes while we eliminate. Funny, they will put phone disrupters in churches, but they won't put them in restrooms.

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On a less exciting note, I had a great weekend. I spent the whole time with Boyfriend, we mostly napped. yes. napped. because we are old fuddyduddies at 30 (ish) well. he's 30 I'm not. I still have a couple more years. make that a few. a few is more than a couple right? I mean, I don't have to be 30 yet do I?

Friday, coworker came over for a chat. A long chat. I would have liked to have been blogging. or working. It was a nice chat. Then he leaned over my dutch door for a hug. and kissed my cheek. And mentioned that next time it would be nice if there wasn't a door between us. I, however, am glad there was a door between us and his kiss made me feel icky, and just who does he think he is being familliar with me like that? Then yesterday, he sent a "happy easter" message, which would have been fine except that he doesn't exactly call regularly so I can't help but question his motives. Maybe I am overreacting. But in all honesty, I don't usually overreact.

Poor little chichi

OW! I burned my left breast with my curling iron this morning. I would like to say that that's what I get for curling my hair while I am nakid, but really I would rather declare a day of mourning for the disfigurement of Leftie among all the members of the PDCC.

Having trouble shaking this cough, and now Boyfriend is sick too. I think he won't get as sick as me though. Nyquil has stopped working. so has cough meds. Last night I coughed so hard that my nyquil came back for a visit. gross. That was fun.

Almost forgot to mention that my mom ran in to "E" the other day. I had almost gone to his store, but I chickened out. He asked how I was ad they chatted for awhile. I know I need to go in there (because it's one of my favorite stores!) and also because I really don't like the way I handled all that. He really is such a wonderful person. I hope that we can be friends.

I took the quiz.

Boyfriend tells me I seem uptight and uncomfortable even though he knows I am not like that. I told him it takes me time to get comfortable with someone, that indeed, although he says I am not shy, he has not seen the full extent of the person that I am. I probably would not have noticed this about myself, but since he points it out, I must agree. It occurrs to me that whatever barriers are between us now are mine. He is comfortable showing me the person that he is. I like that person.

Is it ok to tell him that the last time I got comfortable with someone I ended up losing everything? I know that this time, I have nothing to lose, except perhaps my sanity and that, of course, is questionable. When is it ok, in a relationship, to share your past? your hurts and issues? I don't want to talk too much about it and turn him off, chase him away, because I would have no one to blame but myself and to quote my dad, "he's a keeper". I don't think he is giong anywhere since he offered me a key to his apartment (If I want. I told him it was up to him) but keys don't mean forever and a smart man won't deal with distant very long unless he is in love, and are we too new for me to be having these questions? We're a month into knowing each other and 4 days into our "relationship" and perhaps it might all be moving quick enough for me to be a little scared of the outcome. Who am I kidding? I am always scared of the outcome. Frightened to let anyone get too close. perhaps those are the things I should be sharing with him.

Oy. two funny spots on the same day.

Mother Plucker

I haven't mentioned my bird, which is strange because I think she's just great. I can talk about her all day.

Baby is a 13 year old African Grey Parrot. She's a plucker. but that I mean that she has pulled out over half her feathers. Crazy little thing. We found her the other day, she had pulled out a wing feather and was using it to scratch her head. Anyone who says that sapiens are the only tool users have never met Baby.

A foul mouthed little critter (I adopted her about 6 months ago and as long as she isn't cursing in MY voice, I can say she didn't learn it from me), she told my roomate the other day to go to hell and die. Since she came home to the new house, she has learned a bit of Merle Haggart and my roomate's name.

Smart too. She laughs at the funny parts of movies. She'll say goodbye when you leave, and goodnight when you cover her. She snorts like a pig and farts like a, well, I don't know who farts like that, but she will say "pardon me" so I guess she's polite.

In general, she doesn't like men. But she is most likely to imitate them. She does seem to like Boyfriend. I thought she liked me, but last night she took a huge bite out of my upper lip. She didn't even say "ow", she just glared at me. So here I am with beak marks, cleaning up with HO2 when Boyfriend gets there just in time to laugh at me for getting my face too close.

I guess I will have to make nicy nice when I get home.

Glorious Monday

Had a bang up busy weekend. threw a suprise party at the new place for my mom who turned 50. It was Ballerina themed and I decorated with pink tulle and streamers. Actually, I made my roomate and siblings do the decorating. It looked marvelous.
I was exceptionally dissapointed by the fact that there is a lack of Ballerina themed decor out there for purchase. apparently, it is no longer cool to want to be a ballerina. Having known some ballet dancers in my time, I have to say that although they freak at the idea of not being able to fit ito thier tutus after summer, the oneI know best does spend her entire off season happily drunk by the poolside and travelling to Vegas. Who would't want to do that for a living? This may have changed since the last time I saw her, she's part of "C's" world. so back to my rant, Apparently, little girls no longer want to be ballerinas, they would rather look like the Bratz, which, aside from the terrible injury they do the to english language, have ginormous heads and lips and are doing thier best to replace Barbie. Yes, these platform booted ho-bags are trying to oust the blonde babe herself who has already suffered the indigninty of a boob reduction and waist enlargement to better serve those who need to complain about idealizing women. As a member of the exculsive "perky D cup club" (all natrual baby) which I just invented and declared myself president of, I say that Barbie no longer represents me. But I still stand behind her. She's held every job imaginable and smiles through it all. She does, or doesn't need Ken. Which, I have to say, makes her the ultimate luckyspinster, which, by the way, since I don't know how to link to it, is a blog and website you HAVE to visit because it's great.
So I call on all of yo, who stand behind the Barbie to avoid those inner city fur bedecked Bratz and support Babs who, by the way looks FANTASTIC for her age.

all hail the PDCC. I am actively soliciting new members.

Had "the talk" with Mr Now and therefore he has been promoted to the official current Boyfriend. how strange it is to me to have a Boyfriend. Especially since I really feel as though he is the first "man" I have ever dated. It's hard to explain. I guess you would have to know my history. If you do, you know what I am talking about. I've always chased boys. the one's with the baby face. this one is a man. weird. He spent all day Saturday catering to my every need. he cleaned up the kitchen. he promised to fix the sink. he laughed and joked with my friends. My family likes him. At least, my mom says they do. He had an accurate count of how many weeks we have been seeing each other. I don't even have that I and I count everything! But I can't help but look at him and think. He's my Boyfriend. how strange that is. I'm sure I will get used to it. Actually, I'm looking forward to it.

Epiphany

Suddenly, today, I realized that I no longer desire to be famous. or known. Once, I did. I just didn't know what would take me there. I like public speaking, I do sing, although I have developed a nasty case of stage fright. I just always knew that I would make some huge difference in the world.

I think it may be that for this moment, and I pray that it is not brief, I am satisfied with my life. Sure, I have my issues and mini dramas, but honestly, at this moment in time, I don't feel like I need anything more than what I have. It feels really good. what does that have to do with fame and fortune? I am not sure. I think I just wanted to feel important and recognised. Like I am more than just a face in the crowd, someone more important than everyone else. Someone loved.

I don't think I need it from them anymore. I have it from myself. Wow. Please, please let this last forever.

Another Brag Fest

I really think that Mr Now is rapidly approaching Mr Wonderful although I am aware that we have only been dating for a month and I KNOW he is still on his best behavior. I know this because I met his friends last night and I listened to the things they said. I won't tell you what they said, but I still don't think his bad behavior will be that bad. Only time will tell. Goodness knows, I have met "Mr Wonderful" before.
However, this is how I have come to this conclusion.

• Saturday, he came over and worked in my yard. I didn't ask, he just did. With his shirt off. NICE!
• We went on an oddessy together to try and find ingredients for my Herb garden.
• He wants to build a slip n slide for my roomate. When I said he would be her new hero and she might go about trying to steal his affections, he replied that his affections were not available for theft or purchase. She wouldn't really do that. The fact that he wants to build her a slip n slide is what get me.
• He took care of me when I had a headache.
• He's playful. and sweet. I like his personality.

I'm gong to make myself puke if I don't quit.

Plague

So I have been plagued, the last couple of days, by ex boyfriends. No, they have not been calling, merely residue pooping up unexpectedly. Perhaps it has something karmicly to do with the opening of the X box and sharing of pictures the other day. I do go into the X box periodically, but rarely is there anyone there to see the pictures. Hmm. Interesting.

Meanwhile, Tuesday, I was inoccently working when my cell rang. unfamilliar number. I answered, and it was "C's" mom. who I love and miss terribly. She had a massage lead for me. She didn't know that last year's tramas took me out of the field permenantly. I wonder what else he has not told her. Does she know we are no longer on speaking terms? Then, I remembered that Tuesday was his birthday. The temptation to email a birthday message was strong, but I overcame it. After all, I told him he wouldn't hear from me again. But it did put me in a funk.

Wednesday I recieved a call from my friend Sara who had just spken with "E". He mentioned a cramp in his neck, she mentioned me. His reply was "She called me two minutes before my shift and told me we shouldn't see each other anymore". I filled Sara in my my side. But I guess that means he has no idea what he did incorrectly where I was concerned. I am so tempted to peek at his blog to see if he even mentioned the incedent and to see what people had to say, but after last time, I know it would be a mistake. better to concentrate on the future with Mr Now.

Last night I went to the video store to get a DVD for Mr Now and I to watch. (Ray is a good movie. I wouldn't suggest the extended version, it is not well spliced) Apparently, "D's" info was still on my account. as the primary person. That has not come up at all in the past few months since I started renting again. I was suprised. talk about flashbacks from 4 years ago. So I switched it all over to my name. If he has a problem with that, he can call me. I doubt he will. I imagine he'll tell me not to worry about it when I tell him about it. (we're still on good terms.)

I never mentioned a conversation about hairdryers that happened between Mr Now and I. He doesn't have one. so he suggested that I try sticking my head in the oven...(I don't think he knew why I thought that was a great idea, but you do, so you can laugh with me) He was kidding too, of course.

Prom

I was checking out my favorite blogs today, and stopped first at TequilaMockingbird (I always start at the bottom of my alphabetical favorites list) Her latest is about how she is not posting about her prom(s). Here is the link: http://tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_tequilamockingbird_archive.html#111030465952750788

I, however, will admit to shamelessly discussing my prom because, it's funny. Not as dramatic as hers, or some of the stories in her comments, but a little piece of me either way. Also, I found pictures from my prom while I unpacked last night. We had a good laugh. I am still good friends with my prom date, so it's funny to see how he, and his twin have changed.

So I'm a sophomore and rumor has it that one of the cutest guys in school is going to ask me to the dance. I thought it was whatever spring dance was coming up. I was wrong, so imagine my surprise when he asked me to Prom. PROM! I picked the perfect dress. (it was fuschia. I had matching heels) I made it clear that at 15, I was not ready for sex. (When did I lose my ability to say no?) My mom liked him, I liked him. He picked me up in a limo. We ate at a nice restraunt. Prom was lovely (except I was too shy to dance much and I kicked him in the shin doing the twist) I had to be home by two. Kiss goodnight, I think that was the end of any sort of "relationship" we remained friends although I carried a torch for many years. Yes, Tequila, I still have my embossed wine glass.

Fast forward two years to my prom. I got asked. By a guy with green teeth. I found a reason not to go with him. It was a good reason, although I'm pretty sure he saw through it. I asked a guy I had recently become reacquainted with. He never answered. I finally had to call him and demand an answer. He declined. So I called up prom date number 1 and asked him. He agreed to go. Hooray!

Our class did not have very much money, so my prom was on a Friday. I went to school in sponge curlers, envisioning long luxurious curls. My mom got me out early. When the curlers came out, I had the most impressive golden afro. My date showed up feeling dashing because he hadn't shaved in a day or two. Went to an expensive restraunt where I ran out of money and my date had to help. (so embarrassed! He was cool about it). We arrived at the dance took pictures (the curls had relaxed by then) and my date disappeared. I wandered around looking for him for a little while, asking everyone I met "have you seen my date?".

No one had so I turned my corsage into an armband and my friend Stewart and I were the first on the floor. After all, this prom wasn't about him, it was about me!! I found him later, he had been picking up on other women. I wasn't angry, he paid more attention to me after that. I am glad now that I didn't let anything get in the way of having a good time. The After Prom Event (I was not a drinker) was additional fun. Then we went to Dennys till dawn. Off to my Friend Tammy's house where her parents cooked us all breakfast, and I was home by 7 am. No kiss good night this time, and I still wasn't giving it up. (No wonder the date went looking for it elsewhere)

I have to say, I had the best time. I would like to know if I still fit into my prom dress. (the second one. I grew out of the first one LONG ago!) I would actually like to wear it to my ten year reunion coming up in June. I doubt I will though. It's just funny to think about it.

The prom date apologized several months ago for the way he acted. He said he was going through a lot back then. I had forgiven him long ago, and now I think it's funny that my prom date was picking up on other women. We're good friends now. And I wouldn't trade that for all the after prom kisses in the world.

BTW, in the spirit of prom gifts, I can say this, that at my senior prom, they did not want to encourage underage drinking, so they did not allow the wine glasses I got from the first prom. Nope. They gave us all beer mugs instead.

Fears

Mr Now made a lovely dinner last night which we ate on top of two empty tubs covered with a table cloth that I have been dying to use since I bought it 6 years ago. It was fun.
He was a little distant, which makes me nervous, but this time, instead of letting my fears eat me up inside, I mentioned them. How he responds is up to him. I think mentioning things once should be enough, I won't harp on it. at least not out loud.
Discussion came up about ghosts and stuff. I am relieved to find out that he is interested in learing more about my otherworldly experiences instead of just thinking I am strange. I never knew how most people saw that stuff until my friend made a comment about it once.
I used to tease my ex, "C", about his facination with aliens or, how he puts it "visitors". Not a lot, but I did. Now I know this was hippocritial of me because I too believe in things that are often percieved rather than seen. And even he will admit that the visitors may not come from outerspace, but rather from earth, just not usually perceieved.Anyway, I made a comment about his visitors, and my friend said something to the effect of "now you know how I feel when you start telling your ghost stories" humbling to say the least, this has stuck with me. I never realized she felt that way, and I stopped teasing "C".
But Mr Now wants to hear more, and even wants to go searching through my mom's house to see if a particularly difficult and angry spirit may have hidden something of mine in the attic. There is still so much we have to learn about each other. I fear that I will put him on a pedistal or make him my knight in shiny armor. I fear that he will dissapoint me by turning out to be a toad. I fear that I am not all I am cracked up to be. I fear that, not just in his eyes, but in my own and that of the world. I fear to be comfortable anywhere because the other shoe tends to drop, and drop hard.
Do all people live in constant fear of things seen and unseen? Am I strong because I get up and face the world every day, even though it is such a scary place? Or does that just make me normal? I want to be more than normal. what is normal? does everyone strive to be special? To change the world for the better and make a difference? I know I am not out there lobbying for human rights and the environment. Is it enough that I try to live my life with loving kindness and that I try to spread joy in the lives of others? In the light of all my issues, does the real me shine through?

First Nights

Spent my first nights in my new home this weekend, and I love it. I don't want to leave, although I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have collected over the years. Some of it is cool, but most of it is junk, that I can't seem to get rid of because I'm a pack rat, but I don't want to deal with it because I know it's crap.
I did get my kitchen mostly put together, which is great because Mr. Now is going to come over tonight and cook dinner for me and whatever roomates happen to be around. Maybe I can convince him to hook up the TV. This sounds terrible, but I have never done it. There has always been a man around to do it for me. Of course the same can be said about changing a tire, but that's not too hard. The electronics though? nah, I'll find a man to do it for me. Is that sexist? yup. But I will gladly cook and clean while it is being done, and rub some feet when the job is complete. So the sexism goes both ways. Actually, it depends on the feet. I've seen some nasty toes in my time.

Daddy discussion

Mr Now and I discussed my dad last night. I told him about how every day I dread getting "The phone call" The one telling me that Daddy has overdosed on drugs or sugar or been killed in a fight over some 18 year old crack whore stripper hussey and I need to pick up the pieces. He asked why it is that I worry about it.
I guess when I am not worrying about men, I worry about my dad. It was a great relief to me ypsyche when I realized that I cannot save him. All I can do is love hm. It hurts me deeply that he does not respond to my letters, but he is the one that chooses not to be a part of our lives.
I am aware, too that part of this choice stems from his lifestyle, which is, by now, less of a choice and more of a habit. a deep hole he's been digging for the past 40 years that he has lost the will to escape out of. He doesn't want to drag us down into his hole, and frankly, I've peered down into it, and I don't want to go in there either.
Selfishly, I know that when I do get the call, I know that I will have to immerse myself in the cesspool he has made of his life.I've done it briefly before, I don't want to do it again. I love him. He has a heart of gold. He is intelligent and fun. He is surrounded by filth. Human and otherwise. The people he calls friends are the very dregs of society. The use him, they steal from him. I know he is not blameless. I'm not that naieve. He invites them into his life. He has traded us for them. I forgive him. At least I think I do. a psychiatrist would tell me I don't.
There is apprehension that he will show at my sister's wedding. we're pretty sure he recieved the save the date card. we want him there. We miss him. I know his felings are hurt that he won't be walking her down the aisle. But sine we can't realy count on him showing...after all, he was late to his mother's funeral. he missed the service. we waited an extra 1/2 hour in the rain for him.

Sigh. I do love you Daddy.

The House

My new home (rental) was turned over to me last week and I am very excited about it. However, I did learn one very important lesson. If your new landlord offers to leave anything behind, other than appliances, say, NO!!
I was amazed when I walked in last Thursday to discover that things didn't look too much different than they did when the family lived there. I knew they were leaving food, but I didn't expect stale chips and crackers. Shampoo and soap in the bathroom. towels and washrags and underewear in the linen closet. shoes and a bathing suit bottom in bedrooms. More underwear. Bedding.
My favorite item? A coffee can with a lid on it that I found while talking to Mr Now. There was some sort of liquid inside. Turns out, it was the landlord's spit can. like spittooon. Poor Mr Now got to hear me screeching "getthisthefuckoutofmyhouserightnowIdon'teverwanttoseeitagain! Eewthat'sdiscusting!noIdon'tcareifyouaresentimentalgetitoutofmysightthisinstant!!!" I apologised for screeching in his ear, I still feel like a harpy.
BUT, we managed to get it all cleaned up and three truckloads of trash hauled away. I am sure there is more, but now that it has been cleaned and painted, I am ready to move in this weekend.
as I was saying to Mr Now, it feels good to be getting my life back on track and move forward again. I know he doesn't really know what that means because I have not given him the lowdown on my last major relationship (or on the last several non major ones...or really any of them except for the occational "dated a such n such once") But I know how important it is for me to move out of my mom's house and be out on my own again. I feel like I am finally climbing out of the well that C pushed me down. I can't believe it has been almost a year. Talk about personal growth. Mine tends to happen in leaps and bounds!