I don't expect my love affairs to last for long

Hi5 drove out at about 9 am yesterday. I didn't know until he called last night for some company while he drove. I did know he would be leaving yesterday or today. I also had a very strong feeling that Sunday would be the last time I saw him so I wasn't really surprised. I know how stressful it can be to move out of state; the packing, the goodbyes, the last minute stuff.

Despite my hopes that he would end up staying, I really do wish him well. Happiness, success, all of it. We are still in contact; who knows what the future will bring?

Our short relationship threw a lot of things in sharp perspective for me. Although I like Hi5 as a person, I can't help but feel as though the situation brought out some of the worst in me. I in no way blame him for this, as he was being him, and I was being me, and I am quite certain that I have the capability to behave far worse than I did at any given moment during the last 3 months. Time and communication would have fixed much of that, but while we were both working on the comumunication aspect, it seems time was not a gift we had.

There was an unexpected gift though.

I finally realized that I am better off alone.

I'm not being mopey, I am not looking for sympathy, it's a good feeling. When there isn't a man in my life, things get done. I start businesses. I spend time with friends. I create and prosper emotionally. I feel secure in my place and with myself. I don't wait for the phone to ring or the email to ding. I don't wonder when I will have another date or whether that date will get cancelled. I can have a drink (or 5...) without crying in my SoCo. All the things that drive me nuts about myself? Those things don't happen. I mean, there's plenty about me that drives me crazy, but it's different, you know?

When I'm alone, my friends don't have to listen to my latest heartbreak and wonder why I keep trying when it is so blatently obvious why I shouldn't. (I will always try. I will always give it my all. If it doesn't work, it's not because I didn't try. I will not change that) They don't have to see the hurt in my eyes when I am dissapointed. again. (thank goodness for Wifey and her spare hankies!) And they don't have to go through the mopey period which has been known to last for months or, you know, years (ahem).

I'm looking forward to the next however long I am going to be without a man's presence in my life acting as more than a friend. I'm not going to go out looking for one.

I'm not going to give up, I still love men. I would still like to meet one with whom I can spend the next 50 to 70 years of my life.

But for goodness sake. Not at the expense of my already tenuous sanity. The right time, place, situation, won't make me crazy (in a bad way). It won't disrupt my life. I know because I have been in relationships that were easy. C and I quickly became inseperable. T and I never questioned what to do. B and I would talk and giggle for hours. Sure, each had his way of making me crazy, but it wasn't bad. mostly.

Better off alone.

Lets see how long I manage to hang on to this conviction.

CONTEST!!!

Help me rename my soap! Contest details http://bubblycreations.blogspot.com/2009/08/fire-and-contest.html

Free bar of soap to the winner! And more to come!

Did Somebody ask for a Miracle?

I'm picky about the miracles I will ask for. I'm not sure why, as I am pretty sure there is no limit to how many you can ask for or how many you can have. I also believe that every day I wake up alive, whole, well, and able is a miracle.

When I actually ASK for one though, I try to make it count. Like Hannah's health (we were able to raise over $150 for her this weekend! I am not even done with monkeys! YAY!). They are wavering on a diagnosis, but it is looking like ADEM, a condition in the MS spectrum. They started treating for it and she is responding positively. She's still sleeping though and if she doesn't improve more, they will have to send her away. Likely to San Francisco where she can get better care. Or when my Maddy was trying to arrive early, I prayed hard that she and my Seester would both be fine. and they ARE. And I love them.

When Hi5 took off to Dallas, I had a chat with the universe. I asked that the right job come along. I said that I understood if that right job was somewhere else because it's more important for him to support his family than it is for him to be near me. After all, I didn't know, don't know, whether we would actually work together even though I really wanted to find out.

He will be driving out for Chicago Wednesday or Thursday. I understand. I accept. I don't like it, but I do. It hurts, I'm disappointed, but for once, I recognize that there really are bigger forces at work. Do I hope that a better offer comes through in the next two days that will keep him in town? Of course. I am human, it's normal. Do I also understand that there's a reason, even if I don't know what it is, that he is being sent 1500 miles away? Yeah. Whether you are faithful or not, I am comforted by this.

Expect more on this say, Thursday or Friday. I will do my best not to dwell on it much past then. Not here anyway.

In other, less depressing news, I put an offer in on a house yesterday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. the bank is taking the highest and best offer. I offered $5000 more than the list price and still stayed under my limit. I think it is worth the amount I offered so I am feeling confident. Also, because I offered more that $125,000, I qualified for a program that will contribute 3.5% towards my closing costs. I'm taking the Que Cera attitude. I like the house, it would be awesome to live in a place where I can put the leaf in my table and still walk into the kitchen. (without knocking over the bird cage) And the 2 car garage would be fantastic. But like Pam used to tell us before every pageant. "what is meant for you will not go by you" Those pageants taught me that I don't actually know what is meant for me, so I had to learn to have faith that the right thing would happen for me. If not this one, another.

Updates

No changes for Hannah. Please keep praying. I am 95% complete with 1 monkey. There's enough interest that I will try and make more. Last night, I was sewing in a bar. That's dedication. Or something. One man offered to buy one and even though I had told him why I was making and selling them, offered me half of my asking price. I was offended. It's not like I have raised the prices for these ones. I offered him a smaller, lower priced version instead of punching him in the face. I should have been a diplomat.

I am back on the house hunt. the housing market in my area is such that I can purchase a larger home (TWO CAR GARAGE!!!) for less than what I pay in rent. My realtor is understanding about my needs and is helping me to find something considerably lower than what I can afford in a neighborhood where I can feel secure. AND she has instructions to slap me if I start showing interest in another dump. We all know that I love a challenge and a home improvement project, but this time around I am looking closely at whether or not I can live with the changes that need to be made until I can afford to make them, and whether I can actually afford to DO the things that need to be done.

I looked at one yesterday that has promise. I like the fruit trees, and the grass just needs water. It has a sprinkler system which will help me alot since i don't have one now and tend to forget to water. Or i water for a really long time in one spot. Inside it appears that it needs paint, linoleum in the kitchen, and new cabinets. Or repaired cabinets. there were a few other things too, but those were the big ones. I can live with the missing tiles on the hearth (I think it would be an excellent opportunity to learn some tile work!) and the purple bedroom. the home comes with a two year warranty.

BUT

Yesterday was my first day out looking. And there are a lot of really great houses out there. So although she is going to inquire about the one above, I am not going to decide I HAVE to have it because I might see something better next week. I'm also not sure where I am getting money for down payments, earnest money, and closing costs, but I will cross those bridges when I come to them. I think this is one of those things that maybe you are never completely ready for. That sometimes you just have to jump and pray and trust.

I am waiting patiently for Hi5 to come home tomorrow and yet I am doing my best not to get my hopes up that I will actually see him this weekend. We have been in contact nearly every day since he left (even if only a quick hello on Yahoo Messenger) which has been enough to keep me satisfied about my spot in his world. Mostly, anyway. I dislike a bit, that I have been "waiting patiently" for anyone to return to my general vicinity, but I am interested in seeing where things go next. I'm not a fan of suspense. I don't like to wait and see. But I am learning to do just that. There are many lessons I am larning from this situation and for that, I am greatful.

I look up all day every day to a quote on my board that says, "Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end"

good to know.

diagnosis

Thank you all for your prayers.

I'm pretty sure that they have ruled out MS at this point. She definately has Acute Encephylitis (sp?) Still bad, but from what I have been told, she is improving. I have not visited her because it just upsets her. We are pitching in in other ways though, cleaning her house and doing laundry.

For those of you interested, I am making monkeys. they will be on my site as soon as they are done and I will be giving her family the money to help with hospital fees. No guilt, no pressure. Some of you had mentioned wanting monkeys. They will be up in the next few days. I will let you know when they are, and you can go take a look.

A rare request for you

It didn't hit me until this morning; the situation she's in.

She's a rockstar. Probably our most popular player. She's an incredible skater and athlete. She's my friend.

And she's laying in a hospital bed right now while her amazing body, so young, so strong, rebels against her.

The Doctors told her, when she went in a couple of months ago that she was sensitive to either caffeine or nicotine; to stop smoking and drinking coffee and her symptoms should go away.

As of yesterday she couldn't move or speak. The diagnosis so far isn't good. This morning, she tried to rip out her IV, which is good (She's got spunk!!) but situation is bad. And makes me want to cry.

Please pray for her. Whatever your beliefs, please. Even if you don't believe in a higher power, please send good thoughts. She's the one bootie blocking me with all she's got.

Has it been that long?

Sometime in the last 2 weeks or so I looked at my arm (where my watch would be if i wasn't too lazy and cheap to have a new battery put in one of the lovelies in my jewelry box) and realized that I have lived in Reno/Sparks for 2 years.

For those that are mobile, this is not a great accomplishment. For me, who spent the first 30 years of my life in the same city/county it's something to note. My friends, when I left, said I would be back in a year. It took two to start thinking about it, and I admit that I have.

It's been hard to be away from my family. We make arrangements, but knowing that I can't just pop on over and visit has struck a blow. Add my darling neice to the arrangement and it's as if I have developed a hole in my heart. A giant, achy hole.

These last couple of months have been tough too. There are things I haven't talked about and things about which I have said too much. With all the frustration that swirled around NG (Now to be known here, as he is known at work, as Hi5) and around Derby, I thought seriously about packing up and going back. Then, when I was done feeling sorry for myself, I realized that the issues that I have here I will have there. And what I don't have there is a job and a home.

Things are not how I expected when I moved here. the job that brought me here didn't work out. I've had my heart broken. I haven't bought a house. Poo has moved away. I still don't have a library card.

And yet, I have so much. I love my job. I'm reimmersing myself in my business. I'm shrinking out of my size 8's and not for lack of lucky charms and booze in my diet. roller derby fills a need for friendship and exercize that I have never found before. Puppybutt. I'm going tomorrow with a group of gals to watch Shakespeare. I'm going camping with another group this weekend. (some overlap) I have Autfest and mudwrestling coming up.

Busy busy. And yet, I read two books this week. I can't afford to keep buying them so I'm off to the library for a card. TODAY. Unlike last time I tried to get one, I can prove that I live here! My garden is growing. Not just literally, but figuratively too.

It's a nice feeling, when you finally look up from the grindstone and realize just how happy and utterly full you are. (except for that hole where my family goes...Thankgiving can't possibly come soon enough)

A new chapter

NG and I sat down and talked last night. It was a much needed communication for both of us. 

I had already decided that stories which include him will be of the harmless sort, fun ones that I could tell with him standing in front of me. I will no longer vent my frustrations about him here in public but to him in private if I have any. He doesn't know I have decided this, but I think it's right. He won't come here again. Well, maybe he will, but for now, he would rather not. 

There were apologies on both sides and we seem to have worked things out. There has been more communication between us in the last day than there had been in a month. I feel as though we are moving forward with a clean slate. It's a good feeling. 

I have finished stripping the wallpaper out of my bathroom and will start prepping it for paint tomorrow. I am amazed at the quality of other people's work. so much was covered by the paper. Things that should have been filled and/or sanded. I am determined to finish the job as if I were being paid for it. I think I should work just as hard for myself as I would for someone else. I think this is the first home improvement project I have done just for myself. Wow. It's a good feeling!

I don't know why there was a difference

I woke up this morning feeling more like myself than I have felt in a long time. Well rested, and, sadly, happy.

It's sad because I am generally a happy person. The last several weeks or months or however long it's been have been strange for me. I don't really know what changed, what shifted, but suddenly, I feel a renewed sense of who I am and how I feel about my life.

Maybe it was the good dreams. Maybe it was something else, I don't know, but I woke up this morning and felt for the first time in a long time not like it was just another day in the grind, but happy to be alive and living my life. 

I carried that with me thorough the day. I made plans with Mandrew to meet at the dog park and maybe to go to the Habitat for Humanity store tomorrow to see what they have. He's someone I have in my world with whom I can chat about building stuff and working on our houses. It was nice to hang out and catch up this afternoon at the park. We'd both gotten busy or something over the last few months and I should be more careful of that. He's been a good friend to me. 

NG and I communicated today too and we are going to get together and talk on Friday. That was another weight off my shoulders. I'm excited and nervous and a bit apprehensive. He and I need to talk, and no matter what, talking is a good thing. 

Kristen is coming to town for my birthday! Well, not really my birthday, more for an old friend's wedding, but she will be here for my birthday and that is fantastic. We'll be hanging out with RebTurtle and kicking up our heels like old times. I have promised not to wear holy fishnets to the wedding, (I think the groom would find it funny) and my hair should be completely blonde by then (I'm still a little lavender after the bout last weekend). I wasn't completely excited about it until tonight when we firmed up her flight plans and discussed hotel accommodations. 

As I spoke with her, I worked on a little bit o business. Soapy business. When she asked me what I was doing, I was excited to tell her. I got animated  about the possibilities ahead of me. That was a  wonderful feeling. One I haven't had in awhile either. Glorious. 

Tomorrow is also full of possibility. So good to feel normal again.

A New Week

And thank goodness because last week was pretty shitty overall, ending with Saturday night's vomitechnics.

Sure, there were some really great moments. The wallpaper in my bathroom is about halfway stripped and I am looking forward to finishing that up in the next couple days and getting it painted. The back yard still looks great! compared to what it looked like at this time last week...

I'm still practicing patience but at least the uniform issue is mostly resolved; I don't have to deal with that vendor anymore. I will be happier when the teams have thier shirts and everything out of my hands, but you wouldn't believe the stress I went through trying to get that covered. It's a long story, and I don't want to get into it here, just know that my stress level at this time last week was considerable.

This week feels fresh and new and I'm ready to face it with a positive attitude.

YAY!

New low

I haven't been that drunk in years. Which, according to Randy, should be a good thing but sadly, of late, drinking turns me not into the pile of giggles of yesteryear but rather what can only be described as a hot mess.

I managed to consume my limit. My absolute limit. My under the table limit of 7. I think. Wifey saw it coming. I remember her announcing that she was going to go get her car. I'm not sure at what point I went from happily chatting with Skaten Worshipper to shitty. I think it might have been Mr Bedlam explaining to me why I'm still single. ouch. He wasn't being mean, and it seems to be everyone's favorite game, but it's a sore spot and I'd been drinking. If I hadn't been, I'm sure that the tears wouldn't have been falling as Wifey led me from the bar. She has excellent timing.

I remember someone calling out my name as we left, apparently it was the owner of the bar. I couldn't respond. I was too far gone. I remember Wifey telling me that I may have been a little lonely before, but at least I wasn't like this.  

The truth still stings.

She made sure I got in the door. I collapsed next to the rabbit cage and proceeded to puke all over the carpet and pass out. At some point I rolled over in it. The dogs, thankfully, were off amusing themselves so I didn't have to try and fight them off. Bless them, they are good boys. 

I managed to peel myself up off the floor, shower and go to bed. I'm hoping that my clothes aren't ruined, I like that shirt. I'm still trying to figure out why I put Mr Bedlam's lighter in my bra. 

Hot mess. Emphasis on the mess. I won't be drinking for awhile. 

Chivalry is not dead, just aging

It's been a productive weekend so far. I thought I'd hit Lowes to pick up something to circle in my apricot tree. The soil here is clay and I need something to keep water on the roots and fertilizer too if I ever want it to produce again. Rumor has it, it used to produce the best apricots. I bought everything but...

BUT I got started last night stripping the wallpaper off of my bathroom walls. Cindy, my other mother, sent me a message with a better way (I was spraying it down with water and scraping with a putty knife) and I am hoping her secrets will get the job done quicker. Stripping and painting my bathroom walls has been on my mind for over a year now and I thought rather than sit and wait for the phone to ring, I would get to it. 

This morning I tackled the back yard again. And my neighbor (bless his heart, this is why I only make occasional remarks about him having my ladder and therefore I haven't unwrapped my swamp cooler) popped over to help. He left off his painting and came over, in the heat, to work on my yard with me. He loaned me his pick thingy so I could finish up, admired my squash, sat and chatted a bit. I gave him a bar of soap as a thank you; he had mentioned buying one for his daughter. Thing is, he's always mowing my lawn, and he watered it for me when I was out of town. I've never had a neighbor watch out for me like this. I've had neighbors WATCH me, but never really lend a hand when I didn't know I needed it. It's like having Grandpa next door. I sure do miss my Grandpa. All of them. This one reminds me of the one in AZ.

I filled the mini pool and lounged until I started to burn and I thought, this is what life is all about. I work so I can have these luxuries, but I don't take the time to enjoy them. I'm too busy. I want to change that. No. I am actively changing that. 

Tonight I'm off to Hot August Nights, Downtown Sparks. The Bedlams have a hotel room and have promised to get me drunk. Lets hope the stories are fun and fit for telling. I'm sure they will be. I rarely get out of control, even if that is their goal for me. Whatever. It's going to be fun times.