Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
One of the things I attacked was my old letters and cards. I didn't stop to reread them all, that would take forever. and I did save a few. Here is what I discovered.
That I don't think I appriciated my boyfriend from way back very much.
Here is what I remember. That he was very nice, and very attractive, but that once I went away to Americorps, he wasn't nearly as interesting anymore. I remember that in some ways he used to annoy me.
Here is what reading a few of his letters to me told me ten years later. That I wasn't as ready or mature enough to deal with a boyfriend and all that entailed as I thought I was. I have always known that I didn't handle things correctly (I stopped taking his calls, then I broke up with him in the Parking lot at Home Depot). But I think that he really cared about me and that he was very concerned with my happiness. I think he was a really sweet man, and that I took him a bit for granted. I don't think I worried nearly enough about his happiness. And while I know that we weren't meant to be, it's interesting to look at who we both were ten years ago and finally appriciate him.
He will never know that, of course, we don't speak anymore, since he got married. However, while I have always wished him and his wife (and family) well, for the first time, last night I realized what a truly lucky woman his wife is, to have found and married a man like him.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I took thursday off and went to LA to mee my sister and her husband. It wasn't until I had been there awhile that i realized that I forgot my pills and my hairbrush. The hairbrush I can live without, but the pills keep my hormones normal so I had my wonderful friend who was feeding the critters overnight them to me. We reached Carson City at about 3:30 am.
Friday I awoke and went upstairs to see a beautiful view for the Sierras from the back porch. I had never seen them before. We laid about all day Friday. It was really nice to just relax. By the time everyone arrived, there were 12 people in the house, and it didn't feel a bit crowded. My Aunt and Uncle's home is very welcoming, and I felt completely comfortable there.
Saturday it snowed! and I witnessed snowfall for the first time. I don't consider flurries. We headed up for a half day on the slopes, and after complaining a lot, I rediscovered how much I enjoy snowboarding. It was windy and snowy, but the powder was fresh and deep. It didn't really hurt when I fell on it. I was left with a frozen smile. That night we headed into Carson City for Contra Dancing. way fun. And only slightly embarassing when my slippery borrowed shoes got tangled up in my long skirt and I fell on my face. The impact made my ganglian cyst bigger, but I got right back up laughing and continued the dance.
Sunday, sadly, it was time to go. We left the lovely Carson City. I would have liked to have spent more time, and I have to say that I would consider moving there if I were to leave San Diego, but you know how it is. real life beckoned.
The drive down the 395 was gorgeous. I never did get to see Lake Tahoe, but the other lakes I did see on our return made up for it. Mono Lake was my favorite. It reflected the sky like a mirror. We passed many historical sites. I would have liked to have stopped, but it was getting late. next time though. I finally arrived at my house around 11:30, and I went strait to bed!
Yesterday and today I am like a new woman. Rested and happy. This morning I even gathered the courage to wack my wrist on the bathroom counter to deplete my cyst (this is the doctor recommended method of cure. actually, he told me to whack it with a bible) and although it hurt like mad, it did go down quite a bit. it's still sore though. AND, I'm proud to say that when the conversation jokingly turned to the idea of T stalking me, and I offered to leave him cookies, he said "only if you want me to stay" and I said, after surpressing my urge to keep my fingers quiet, "I always want you to stay" the joking resumed after that, but at least I said what I was feeling for once. fat lot of good it did, but you never know, right?
I'm looking forward to going home and purging the crap some more tonight. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have held onto over the years. Cleaning out my storage unit has really opened my eyes to my habit of keeping everything, and I am actively working on getting rid of all the extra.
I went shopping last night for Harbucks uniforms, and discovered that Target only carries cropped pants and Old Navy only carries pants for skinnybutts. Damn them both. I tried men's clothes, but they don't fit right either. sigh. I guss I will have to make do with what I have for now. I hate clothes shopping.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I replied that he does seem to be very nice, and that he's looking a lot thinner lately, and that if he continues his downward trend, I might be interested.
She could not believe how shallow I was being. She said it should be about brains and personality, and not about looks.
I see it this way. It's looks that initially attract us to someone. Then, the rest is important. This guy in question was not ugly before. I just tend to be attracted to skinny men. It's how I am wired. I would never tell a man I am not interested in him because of his weight, that would be cruel. I am always happy to make a new friend. I also recognise that there are likely men out there who see me and think, "she would be attractive to me if she lost a few pounds" I don't want them to tell me that, but I know it is true.
So perhapsI am being shallow by temporarily dismissing this gentleman. but I also don't think it would be right to go out with him knowing that I am not attracted to him. I did that this year already and it felt like crap.
Kind of a moot point anyway considering he's never approached me for anything. Maybe he's waiting until I drop a few more pounds!
I'll be out of town over the next few days, I don't know if I will be able to blog. Carson City, here I come! Let's just hope my body settles down between now and tomorrow when I have a 10+ hour drive to accomplish.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Me: are we still on for dinner?
T: Maybe, what time will you be finishing tonight? because I have to get B's son B a birthday present.
Me: I'm thinking 6 or 6:30. If you don't have time, we can forget it...
T: No I promised you dinner, it would not be cancelled only postponed. we can wait for that other thing we were going to do eventually...
T: Where is your meeting tonight?
Me: Clairmont (you know, like 3 miles from your house, which is why I agreed yesterday that perhaps we could have dinner tonight)
T:Call me when you are finished. Any idea what you would like?
and so on.
See, I am not the kind of woman who likes to manipulate, but I responded the way I responded so he would know I am angry and hurt. (I am passive agressive that way) But I didn't want to guilt him into seeing me this evening. He's not the sort to feel guilty or do anything he doesn't want to do, but I am the sort to keep my dates whenever possible so it angers me when they aren't kept with me. Especially by persons who know how mad that makes me. don't give me the brush off, just tell me if you don't want to be around me, you know?
In matters of love?
I'm going to let T go ahead and contact me about dinner tonight, because although a little voice in my head is telling me I'm playing games, if he really wants to go, he'll mention it at least. He's on a job walk right now, so he has an excuse for not bringing it up yet. I'm tired of chasing, because I keep tripping and falling and it hurts. And yes, I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I would really like to meet a good one. but the good single men are like me, they're tired of the bar scene, tired of the freaks on the internet, and have resigned themselves to staying at home with the TV (TEE vee) where, of course, we are not out meeting each other.
Monday, March 20, 2006
on a more serious note, those who know me know that it is a rare day when I lie. I can't bear to do it, unless it's to save my ass, in which case, by law, it's ok. (I don't mean legal law, I mean life law) I feel bad when I lie, even small ones, and find that it's easier in the long run to be truthful as much as possible, having learned the hard way that eventually lies will catch up with you.
But on days like today when my heart is screaming in agony, I can't help but tell people I'm ok when I'm really not because it's so much easier to swallow my tears than to explain them, and make them worse. People tell me I should let my emotions show, that I shouldn't bury them until later, but truthfully, in a professional world, that just isn't acceptable.
Thank goodness for my blog, it lets me talk without telling me I'm an idiot (I leave that to my comments) truth is, I know in my brain that I would be better off not chasing hope, but my heart just won't listen. It has always wanted most the things that it cannot have, and T is no different. He says little things to me that keep my hope alive, whether he knows it or not. And then there are days like today when all that gets smashed to smithereens. My ego is fragile, it doesn't take much.
Will I regain the courage to talk to him tomorrow? I don't know. Will I confront him about how much it hurts me when he reschedules? Likely not unless it comes up. I fI want to look on the bright side (hee hee Zube) At least he rescheduled. Perhaps I should be more proactive about it, perhaps I should kick his ass about it. I don't feel like kicking butt. I feel like crawling back into the cave I was in yesterday for some personal healing. Go visit for awhile with the friendly ghost that lives in there.
Chances are, that if I confronted him, I would lose it. Times like these, dignanty is all I've got.
funny how I can have something and not be able to spell it.
Friday, March 17, 2006
If you look closely you can see the Pus in Jack's eye.
he's getting worse. I noticed yesterday that there is a considerably larger abount of pus in his eye. it's bright white instead of yellowish, and it almost completely obstructs his vision. I also noticed that the eye is weepy.
Since I have read about the symptoms of pasturella, I know that the nickname for it is snuffles and that it causes runny bunny noses. So when I noticed his eye last night, I checked his forepaws for signs of snot. There didn't appear to be any, but I looked at his nose and it looks damp, which is not right, bunnies don't have wet noses.
What is the answer? I don't know. I need to call the vet tonight and find out what my best course of action is. He told me before that the next step would be bunny opthamalogist, but I don't think I want to spend the money. I feel wrong thinking of my finances before the life of another living creature, but I have to be realistic and logical. I had hoped that the medications would clear up his problems, but all of the websites I have seen have suggested that there really is no cure for pasturella and that long term medications is the only answer. I have also read that the only way to clear the pus is to scrape it out. surgically. I have not started my new job yet, so funds are still tight, and will be until I get my first paycheck. (and even then, I don't really know how much I will be making...)
I know what T would tell me to do (he's one of my more logical friends, often playing the voice of reason to my wild ideas. well, really most of my wild ideas have something to do with gathering more pets...) I'm sure if I asked, he would do it for me and save me the cost of euthanasia. It's not like the gopher, I can't just hook Jack up to boy roomie's tail pipe and let the carbon monoxide take care of him. He's my pet, you know?
However, I need to figure out what to do soon because I see conflicting reports on the affect that pasturella can have on humans and birds. Losing Jack would be hard. Losing Jack AND Baby would be even harder. She's a tough old bird, but it is a respratory ailment, and birds have delicate lungs. come to think of it, so do I...
Yesterday I booked my first wedding! I'm thilled and honored to marry my friends.
oh crap, I just forgot everything I was going to talk about.
An important Reminder. Ladies, Monday is Steak and Knobber day. don't forget to treat your man. Unless he's a vegetarian, in which case he probably doesn't like blow jobs either so you're off the hook.
Happy St Patricks Day. I know I should not celebrate the day that St Patrick drove all the "snakes" from Ireland since it's been suggested that it's a eufamism for the removal of the Druids, but, I can't help it that I like to wear green, I don't like to be pinched, and for most people, St Pattys isn't about religious issues, it's about green beer and corned beef. ooh. maybe I'll make corned beef and cabbage in my slow cooker for dinner! (maybe it's too late to have it for dinner tonight, but there's always tomorrow!)mmm. corned beef and cabbage.
I just checked my email, and there was SPAM in there that was sent tomorrow.
There was indeed lots more, but I'm still forgetful and I should be working.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
This is the cake I made for my mom's birthday. Note the half dead african violet. I really did try to do well by it, but since it's 2 years old and already survived the cat eating it, and moving 3 times, if it dies, I understand.
At my mom's party, the following conversation occurred. I think it's funny, so I am going to share:
(we were ordering take out chinese)
Momi: I like Mushroom Chinese Mushroom!
Me: I like Mushroom Chinese Mushroom!
Lee: I like Mushroom Chinese Mushroom!
Eric: I like Pork Fried Rice!
Lee: I think I'll get Shrimp Fried rice!
It flowed like poetry. Guess you had to be there.
The following terms/insults also floated around freely. Feel free to pick them up and use them when appropriate
and always my favorite, twat nose.
I love my family.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
T got invited to submit his resume here: www.globalprinciples.com on one hand I'm excited because it would be perfect for him, on the other hand, it's in Alabama. And I was just about ready to tell him how much I care. But I won't let that stop me, no siree, because I think that's the next step in my healing process, even if it means I'll rip my heart open all over again. He isn't getting his hopes up, but I think he really wants it. que sera.
on the less fun front, last night I was shaving my legs (finally) and I thought I whould hit my toes, not because I have hairy toes, of course, there's just a few hairs on two of my toes and well, I knicked them pretty good. bandaid good. so now I have Harry Potter toe rings. the left one glows in the dark. not the cut, the bandaid.
today is my half birthday. happy half birthday to me. I baked my mom a birthday cake, becaue it's her full birthday, but the second layer didn't come out of the pan very well so it's a bit of a mess. I guess that's what I get for rying to be fancy. pray for the peanut butter frosting, it's next on my list.
Friday, March 10, 2006
I say, good for the judge, the man is an ass.
http://wagenschenke.ch/ click on "play home run". I know that unless you read german, it won't make sense, but if I can figure it out, so can you. my remembered record is 17 meters.
This morning I couldn't find anything to wear. and I'm wearing fullbutts instead of thongs and they're all bunchy under my nylons. I forgot to take my pill wednesday night so I didn't shave last night because I thought it was wednesday instead of thursday. Yesterday I thought it was friday when I woke up and I actually used "you can sleep in tomorrow" as consolation for having to get out of bed. then reality hit. but I still had to get out of bed. Truly, I would go home early today if I could. But I can't, so here I am, blogging and becoming increasingly stressed about the work I am not doing, but having no motivation to actually get it done.
In a rare moment of pure childlike fun, I ran outside with my umbrellelelela so I could experience it properly. it was joyful. I wanted to stay out a little bit longer, but my little black heels don't keep my feet very warm and I didn't want anyone to ask why I was standing randomly on my porch in the hail with my umbrella. in other words, adulthood barged in on my childlike time.
And it just occurred to me that I need to find that same childlike wonder in as much of life as I can because life isn't about perfection, it's about art. and true art is not perfect, regardless of what C thinks.
Speaking of C, yesterday was his birthday. I was invited over to his mom's for friends and family time. but none of his other friends showed up. it was awkward. I know his family was wondering (again) what the heck I was doing there. One day I will learn not to keep making the same mistaks over and over again. I tried to put it into perspective, but it didn't really work. I realize that C and T are the only exes I have that I hang out with outside of group settings. Sadly, that sparks hope in the T department.
Speaking of T, all conversations have remained G rated since I admitted that it hurts me to have those conversations with him. HOORAY for me!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I really should be working right now since I spent all day vendorsitting, but I lost my steam looking happy while I was vendorsitting.
I went on an interview with Harbucks yesterday. I think it went well. they seemed a little intimidated by my business suit (I wear them to work) and one of the interviewers kept looking at my chest. I don't know why, the girls weren't on display. all I want is a night job. if allowing him to look at my boobs will get me hired, I think I can handle it. I know many find them evil, but it looks like it would be fun to work there and "Barrista" sounds so exotic. I'd be a bellydancing barrista!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
He said that I appear to be searching for something, and that he hopes that I find it.
So I started looking at myself and my life and I started wondering what it is that I am looking for. And I think I might know the answer. I am searching for a purpose.
Growing up, I was the oddball. I was the one who didn't feel wanted, didn't feel important, and I felt like everyone was just waiting for me to screw up. To drop the baby and cause irrepairable damage, to burn the house down. I was actually told once, when I was in junior high, that my step dad believed that if the house was buring down around me, that I would just sit there and watch it happen, and perish in doing so. He actually worried that I wouldn't have the initiative to remove myself from a burning building.
I now know that they were wrong about me. I knew then too, but now I will gladly shout it from the rooftops. or at least I would if I were the shouting type. Now, my family watches and waits, but only to see me do something silly so that we can all laugh.
However, one of the scars this atmosphere left on me is that I feel the need to show that I am not the child they thought I was. I have transitioned from apparent underachiever to overachiever.
For me, this means that I think I should be doing far more with my life than I am doing right now. And I just don't know what that is. Unfortunately for the type A part of my personality, the universe does not tell us when we are fulfilling our purpose, so I wander around doing the best that I can to be useful, and I grow ever frustrated that I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I take on more projects because I think I should be superwoman.
Every so often, I realize that with every smile, I change the world a little. and every year I live, I change who I want to be. I know that I have always wanted to own my own business, and I have and do. My dreams have grown and shrunk over the years (at one point they went multinational corperate). Dreams do that.
Add to that confusing mix of asperations (not aspirators, those are snot suckers) a desire for a life partner, travel, and maybe children (MAYBE, Shawna) and you get a person who, for all her apparent confidence is, well, lost.
So I go home each night, I knit, tend my garden and pets, I play with my imprinter and my soap, I chase carpet beetles and bake cookies (but I don't bake the beetles into the cookies because that's gross). And all through this I wonder what I should be doing because, although it's nice, and I really love being at home (except for the carpet beetle part) I think that I should be doing something to change the world or find a partner or have some kids or expand my business or...
Or, maybe realxing after a hard day's work is what life is all about. so perhaps after all, I am searching for acceptance that whatever it is that I am doing, right now, is what I am supposed to be doing and I should be patient. It's hard to be patient when you are a bit greedy and you want more, or maybe it's not that I want more, just different. But logic says that different, and more, aren't better, just different and heaven forbid, more. Even though it's not really more on my plate I want, but more out of life, because it's difficult to be satisfied with little when you think you have to make big.
Work is very busy right now. Actually, Right now I should be working instead of blogging.
I had lots of things to blog about yesterday, but I was too busy and now I have forgotten what they were.
Monday, March 06, 2006
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE RECORDS DOING AT YOUR HOUSE? SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE TURNED THOSE OVER TO MY LIBRARY TWO YEARS AGO? DON'T THEY BELONG TO THE COMPANY, AND AREN'T THEY PROPRIATARY INFO? DID YOU NOT HEAR ME WHEN I SAID I WANT EVERYTHING?
grumble, grumble. cabinet designers. grumble grumble. sorry for yelling, i wish it had worked.
I knowI would look fabulous at 135. I also know that according to "fitness gurus" my ideal weight is about 120. That to be a "10" I should be about 110. I'm telling you that I could starve myself and get there, but I would look like I just walked out of a concentration camp. Plus I would be very grumpy because I like food. I'm just not built that way. That's ok with me. So I like myself best at 135, and I am hoping that by tracking my loss here, I will try harder to reach my goals. Since in my mind losing weight means working out more and eating better, then I will be achieving fitness as well.
I'm 5'4" tall. I currently weigh 160. fitness gurus can kiss my butt.
the following cracks me up about my city's team. In order to attract fans, they have giveaways. this is not odd, many sports teams give stuff away. Lets take a look at last weekend's schedule, shall we?
Friday night: T-shirt night (normal so far) and not just any kind of t-shirt, no, the first 5000 fans receive a free SLEEVELESS t-shirt. Sleeveless t shirts are not hot. I couldn't find a picture of said shirts online, but keep reading.
Saturday night: Disco night. With free afro wigs to the first 5000 fans. A-Fro wigs. in my search for the t-shirts mentioned above, I discovered something.
yes. the afro wigs were red. I suppose that it would be rather un PC to make them black. but I have to say, the blonde afro on the left is pretty funny. The red ones? I'd say it looks more like Jerome Furniture sponsored Ronald McDonald night.
Maybe I will attend a hocky game. Bring your dog to the game night is coming up, and I love puppies. I think I will skip sleeveless t shirt and disco night though. If I wanted a red afro, I'd put my hair in curlers. Who knows? maybe I could score a date with blonde afro guy.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Meanwhile, his Snarkiness was discussing his downstairs neighbor today and it reminded me of the reasons I never wanted to live in another apartment again, and how I am redeveloping my love/hate relationship.
I'm sure I have discussed how much I love being on my own. I don't run about nakid as much as I would like to, but it is nice to have only my own messes to deal with and all that.
But there are a few things that are a bit bothersome.
- My neighbors still vibrate, although it has stopped happening at 4 am and now they wait until 6 am when I should really be thinking harder about getting out of bed anyway. The reason behind the vibration is still a mystery. but at least the extremely loud noises have stopped and I no longer think my TV is dying in the middle of the night
- Downstairs, the kids have been getting in a lot more trouble lately.
- Someone nearby fights a lot.
- Someone nearby is a door slammer. While door slamming keeps poltergists away, well, it also annoys the neighbors. I have a feeling the door slamming has something to do with the fights. I also think it has something to do with the couple next door since none of this happened in a month of living there before they moved in.
I know I shouldn't bitch because I now don't have to deal with overflowing trashcans and my food disappearing before I can eat it and pussified boyfriends, but I'm human, and a woman. I can always find room for complaint.
I took this picture to remind myself of why I don't want any more roomates. I would like to point out that I did not create any of the trash shown in the bin, that they just kept shoving it in even though the bag seems to have dissapeared, and that I took out the trash after I took the picture.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I made sure I chewed bubblegum to cover my coffee breath. I watched my language. when he forgot to give me his email address to send drawings to, I told him I couldn't pull it out of my butt. (ooh, maybe that wasn't a good thing to say, but it was classic Gina so I was really just being me) and he made sure he took my card. And he said I was easy. err. actually, he said his experience with me was easy as far as finding the drawings and getting what he needed, but that's the same thing, right? right?